Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

You haven't failed! I understand that feeling, I've felt that way too, but you haven't. You've actually suceeded to make your relationship last for 8 years whilst getting absolutely nothing in return. You're amazing. That's an achievement in anyone's books!

You're emotionally drained, unhappy and scared to even say how you feel. You know deep down that you and your daughter will actually be happier without him. You've already been single and loved it. You were 'happy'. When was the last time you actually felt truly happy?
You've done it before, and you can do it again! But this time you have dd who will give you all the love you need and be your reason to get up in the morning and make sure you live a happy fulfilled life. You have her. You'll never be on your own.

Surely the possibility of a happy relaxed life (either with or without a new partner somewhere down the line) is a better prospect than living this way forever?

Put yourself and your dd first - like you've said to me! Honestly, only you know the right thing to do. And you'll have all the support you need on here to help you through it!

Thank you warthog. Deep down inside i know it what i want. I know it will be for the best. For me anyway. Its just going through with it
I honestly feel i need time by myself. A relationship detox! I don't want to leave as a 'vicitm'. Just because i have a bad relationship, which is a good reason to leave. I want to leave for me

Hoping all this makes sense. I'm working my way through stuff as i type

MLS the last time i felt truly happy was after my divorce. I had been totally controlled for 12 years. No bank account, not used a phone, agrophobic, not allowed to wear make up, not allowed to wear skirts. I was a wreck. Then one day something happened. Don't ask me what because i haven't a clue what it was but i woke up and decided enough was enough. I told him i wanted him to leave. He laughed in my face and told me i wouldn't cope without him. I was determined i would and i did!
MY first achievment was making a phonecall, the lady on the phone was so lovely to me and friendly i came off that phone with a huge smile on my face. Someone had taken the time to listen to me and liked me!! My next achievement was to walk to the papershop. Fisrt time was with my head pointed to the floor not daring to look at or talk to anyone. Then the lady in the papershop started to talk to me, it was great. another person who liked me and was interested in what i had to say. From then on i set myself little goals. Within those 3 years i was single i had got a banj account, been to college, then to university, got a job i loved, learne to drive and bought my own house. I was on top of the world. Then i met him. And it all disappeared again.

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wow iohw! you've got through all that - you're very strong. you CAN get through this. we are all here to help.

Thank you

I always did think i was stong, putting up with all i put up with but, i'm just beginning to think that maybe it's not strong at all. It's been a comfort zone of a sort because ive known nothing better. Ive spent my life constantly feeling as though i'm just holdong my head above water. struggling. I'm totally exhausted from it now. I don't feel i'm coping at all on the inside. I seem strong on the outside but on the inside i just want to let it all go. Be free of it all. just have a happy and quiet life with my little girl.
I have reasoned with myself that i can't take my little girl away from her daddy but he is never around, he doesnt spend time with her either, its got to the point now where she more or less ignores him, she never goes to him for a cuddle and refuses him a kiss. She won't let him take her to bed, she wants me all the time. So i feel now that maybe she is picking up on something herself and dealing with it in her own way. thats depite me presenting a happy, smiley picture of us.

You've done so well. You've been through so much please don't let things get that bad again. There are so many people out there that won't suck the life out of you, they'll make you feel good, they'll give you something back. That's what you need.

Only you can decide what's best. But you have the strength to do whatever you set your mind to. You've proved that!

children pick up on much more than we realise. and her love and attachment to you is proof of what a loving and fantastic mum you are. perhaps you will both be better off and happier on your own. in every way.

you do have strength, because you're talking to us about it. it sounds like he's such a drain, things can only improve once he's gone. children are extremely perceptive, and it seems to me that your dd is saying she doesn't need your dh, she needs you.

I think it's also a bit of the 'why does he not even seem to like me never mind love me, i don't drink or smoke, i never go out (because he won't let me) i cook every meal from scratch, i bake, i keep a spotless house, i'm loving and caring and i'm considered attractive, i take care of myself, the only thing i ever ask (nag?) him for is love or affection, why do you never want to kiss me? Why do you not want to sleep with me? I thnk i would be a bloody good catch so what's his problem with me???

Anyway, i give up now. I have to. Life is too short. I can't do anymore or give anymore than i have. In my heart i know i am going to leave.

This site has been godsend to me. Ive come such a long way with my own thoughts since i started reading some of these posts. I am so grateful for the advice ive read, the advice ive been given and the new 'freinds' ive made.
I keep all this away from RL freinds but i spend my whole time feeling a fraud because i'm putting on an act.

Hi
Now I am on your thread.

I was in a realationship for years to a man that was emotionally switched of to me. Ring any bells. You too have a mum like mine. When I went to relate I realised this (why I hadn't before I don't know).We choose our life time partners with what we know. Something inside me craved for his attention and I loved him and thought one day he would love me as much too, but all the time thinking I was needy and this is what I deserve anyway.

We went to Relate after a crisis in our realationship and he has totally changed. I still don't quite beleive I deserve it sometimes and It feels so wrong sometimes to be put first.

I was never brave enough to leave as I thought it was me.I wished I felt as I do now. YOU are special and you do deserve to be loved. When you start to belive that you will fall stronger and your feelings for him might become less. It's about breaking the habit as others have said.

None of that made sense did it

the problem is to do with HIM, not you. you're taking responsibility for his actions which are out of your control. you sound like a real catch, an absolute gem. there are plenty, plenty of potential dp's out there that would really appreciate you.

i think you need time out from relationships for a while, to get your confidence back. enjoy time with your dd without someone sapping your energy.

Bananaknickers it makes complete sense. Im just beginning to realise that maybe ive felt 'safe' in such a reltionship. Don't ask me why, ive not worked that out yet maybe its a case of better the devil you know. I have come across some really nice men but when they have shown a 'more than freindly' interest in me i have run a mile!! I don't think i would know how to deal with it. As i feel at the moment i just want to be on my own, be a good mummy, without all this trash going round in my head. Ive come to realise that i'm wasting good energy on a bad situation, i should be investing that same energy in my little girl.

To be perfectly honest with you i can't stand to look at him at the moment. He has such a cold, emotionless look, its one that makes me feel like ive done something wrong and it makes me do more for him to change it. Same with his voice. He has a 'nice' voice and a deep, ordering, barking voice. that does the same to me. Gosh, i sound like such a wimp!

is there any way you could pack a case for you and dd and go away for a couple of weeks?

leave him to it. leave him to wash, cook, clean, shop etc.

(i'm not suggesting for a minute that you move out or anything.)

just say you are taking dd on a well earned holiday and you'll see him in a couple of weeks?

he has no idea how lucky he is and i agree that the issues are with HIM! not you.

perhaps it could be a good idea to give him a couple of weeks to reflect on what he's about to lose and give yourself a couple of weeks to rebuild some confidence and show yourself that life without him can be good. are there any friends or family you could visit? even maybe a long weekend somewhere?

take one step at a time. remember that you can do it. and you'll get there in the end.

even come up and stay with me if you want to! or we'll book a couple of weeks in spain and leave everyone to it!!!

I think you are right warthog, i do feel i need time out, i feel i need a relationship detox
I feel i need to work on my self esteem too.

mls has a good idea. is there family you can go and stay with to have a little break? just to get some perspective and be able to focus on yourself and dd?

Bless you MLS

I have no family and he was always so disapproving of my friends so most of them wne t by the wayside too. I do have a good friend but she is just as bad as me
My DD has recently started school so i'm beginning to establish a couple of new freindships but he doesn't like that either!!!
I would love to get away for a few days, ive told him so too but it feel on deaf ears. Unfortunately, im not financially independent either and apart from the monthly housekeeping he gives me i have no access to any other money.

I am actually starting to tell myself, as well as realise that the problems are his and not mine, but..... thats when i start to feel sorry for him, sounds daft i know!!! His upbringing wasn't great and he hasn't been shown much love but, that doesn't excuse his behaviour and treatment of me. I think he should want better for his daughter than he had as a child. Plus i feel he has a choice. he could choose to be a nice loving man but he doesnt, he chooses to be a cold, emotionless, controlling bully.

IOHW,re-the-thread-title...you-don't-actually-love-him-do-you??What's-to-love?

(Please-excuse-the-"----s..broken-keyboard)

yes, he does have a choice and he's CHOOSING to be the way he is. it really is not to do with you. sounds like he is behaving he way he knows how - what he has seen in childhood.

you also have a choice. do you want your dd to think this is the way men are supposed to be? cold and disengaging? i'm so glad she's got you, but you have to show her that his behaviour isn't acceptable, and that it isn't a woman's lot to make the best of things, no matter how bad they get.

why don't you and your friend go away for a couple of days? if you go mid-week it's cheaper.

also, have you considered building up a nest egg? squirrelling money away into a savings account that he doesn't know about? even if it's a fiver a month, it's better than nothing.

If you had a perfect relationship yourself you'd be in the very worst position to advise anyone else, since you wouldn't have a clue what they were going through!

Oh and if you do see someone else apparently making him happy at some time in the imaginary future - he's probably faking it. Probably a lot of people think he's happy right now. Maybe he IS happy right now with his personal slave under his thumb. But it wouldn't suit him to let you see it.

That about the nice voice and the barking voice rings a loud bell with me, too, and the grouchy face that means you have done something but you may never find out what because he won't discuss it... oh yes, been there. Since I decided to divorce him it has lost the power to hurt, but it's still irritating. How DARE he "disapprove" of me? Perhaps it helps that I always had a job and my hand on the household purse strings, plus some excellent family and friends who he couldn't keep me away from.

You're not admitting defeat! You're realising the true extent of his behaviour and emotional abuse towards you. And therefore you are taking positive steps to remove yourself and your beautiful dd from this destructive relationship.

That is positive. It's a step forward. It's a step closer to you and dd being happy.

You can see all of this yourself and are making all of your own decisions and choices. Our posts on here may confirm your thoughts, or they may be the total opposite of what you want/decide to do - but that's ok, because you are strong enough to deal with all of this and make your own choices. We just want to support you in whatever you decide.

Can you make a small step by speaking to the CAB to find out your rights, entitlement to benefits, entitlement to maintenance, how you would split assets, entitlement to the house... savings etc...

Begin to arm yourself with the knowledge you need. Photocopy documents and bank statements. You may or may not ever use it. But it's a good step in the right direction.

It's hard to make a choice when it's a potential step into the complete unknown. But sort out the financial and accomodation side and everything else will fall into place xx

Thank you MLS. You are right inthat I think I have already made my decision and i did come on here mainly to get some confirmation and some support. I was originally going to post something along the lines of 'how many of you are unhappy in your realtionship but pretend not to be'. I feel i have gained a lot of strength from reading various posts on here. Of some of them i have thought 'gosh, that poor woman, how awful to be in that situation' but i have given advice when really i should have been listening to myself. I am just admitting to myself that I am one of those poor women!!

As far as assets are concerned - everything is his! The house, the lot. He would never ever share anything because he always had a fear of being taken for everything. Thats one of the reasons he has always said he will never get married.
Also, i know what a nasty man he can be when challenged. I am quite prepared to walk away with nothing but my daughter. As you can probably tell i have given this quite a bit of thought recently
To be honest, i feel totally exhausted, completely battered, i would just like to walk away with a clean slate and have a fresh start. I am happy to walk away not blaming him for any of this, holding myself responsible for the way i have allwed myslef to be treated. The thought of getting involved in rows over money etc fills me with dread.
I know for a fact he will never admit responsibility for his part in anything. I would be fighting a losing battle. I know he will not give me anything if i demand it. He did once say that if we ever separated and the CSA got involved he would pack in his job and i would get nothing. thats the kind of man i am dealing with.
I have never known what his earnings are, he says its not my place to know. I don't know if he has savings or not.
But i do know that he can be nasty and vindictive and i want to avoid any further conflict.
I know this is not ideal and may cause a lot of raised eyebrows but i just want a quiet life. And yes, i am frightened of him.

IOHW-((((hugs)))I-think-you-do-need-out-and-you're-right-I-don't-think-you-love-him-at-all...it's-just-a-"what-might-have-been"-feeling.-But-the-way-he-is...it's-not-your-fault..you-deserve-better--LOADS-better-and-you-have-started-to-recognise-this.

Wishing-you-luck.xx