Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

Ifonlyhewould - Hi I just read melminx note and as I have experience of this thought I would let you know my experience of refuge and council housing in case it comes in useful. As I told you yesterday I was placed in a refuge with 3 DD's when I left my husband. Luckily for me it was a very nice refuge, lots of shared facilities and nice staff, but you do have to sleep in one room which as you can imagine with 3 DD's was not ideal. If I had stayed in the refuge for 6 months then I would have been housed by the council straight away after that. Some of the women that were in there at the same time as me were housed in 3 bedroom council houses. However I chose to take a different route. The council where I live offered a Rent Deposit Scheme, which means that if I could find a private rent house they would pay my deposit and 1st months rent in advance, which I would have to pay back monthly. Where I live they told me to look for a house that was to rent for up to £800.

I thought that it was best for me to take this route as I wanted to get some stability and normality back into my childrens lives after such an emotional ordeal. However in doing this I have inadvertently put myself right back down the housing list. I am likely to be in privately rented accomodation for a few years to come as there are very few council properties available. In hindsight I think I would possibly have stayed in the refuge. The children were quite happy in there as there were other children to play with. I just found it hard to establish normal household rules with mine (bedtimes etc.) I'm sure it would be much easier with one child.

You might have gone aarhh at the thought of £800 pounds a month, but it doesn't work out like that because you are entitled to Housing Benefit. My rent is £775 per month. I work 16 hrs a week and can claim working tax credit, child tax credit, child benefit and I receive maintainance from my husband (had to fight for it though!) I receive £201.44 housing benefit every 2 weeks and just have to find the difference myself. I find that I manage quite easily now. At first it was a struggle but I've got it all sussed now.

It is worth finding out from your Council/Housing association if they operate a similar scheme.

Hope you find this info useful. Good luck.

iohw .i think he has a measure of control over you and has now taken away your self worth .You are a very eloquent poster and you sound very positive in what you intend to do.You are an adult and do not need to be controlled in any way be it verbally or physically.How dare men think they can treat women any way they want.good on you for now taking steps to end this relationship.ps a dose of milk of magnesia in milk is good too ! .i dont have any advice as i am lucky enough not to of been in your situation but wishing you all the luck in the world to get what you need and deserve.

gtimama thank you so much for ll that information, it really is helpful and has suddenly made evrything seem a little bit brighter. To be honest with you i did look up womens aid and refuges on the internet when that last episode happened, i was seconds away from picking up the phone but i just daren't do it, i couldn't go through with it. I had this vision in my head of me and dd living in a hostel and it scared the life out of me. Plus, it would have made it all real and i don't think i was ready to face it at that point.
Even now, even as i let it all spill out on here i can hardly believe it myself.
That is so useful to know about the first months deposit and the bond, i did wonder about private rented but didnt think i would stand a chance of being able to afford it. Maybe, with the right help i can {smile] thank you so much x

mummylin, you are so right, but he doesnt just have a measure of control over me, he has total control. It has got worse. I just keep quiet now, i don't disagree, i don't voice an opinion, i just keep my head down.
I'm an educated woman too in fact i think thats part of his problem with me, i can speak better than hom, i know more than him and people have always found me interesting to talk to. I love to read and learn so i'm a mind of information, he hates that. It gets really frustrating not being able to communicate.
A lot of ladies on here keep saying how strong i am, i dont feel im being particulary strong. In fact im scared witless inside and even though im going through the motions and taking action towards leaving i still cant believe im doing it. But i want to do it so it's onwards and upwards

Ifonlyhewould - you have to get out if only to show your daughter that this is not normal - you really don't want her growing up to think that is how a man is supposed to treat her do you??

What he is doing to you is abuse palin and simple and you have to get away - believe me no matter how shitty things become being your own person and not living on a knife edge is the bestfeeling ever!!

I came on here 5 years ago with a shitty husband and now thanks mainly to al the support I got on here in the early days have a wonderful life, a DS to add to the DD and a handsome lovely new husband.

Things may take time but even when they get worse you will be able to do and say what you want without some sad tosser trying tomake you feel shit about yourself. You deserve it and so does DD.

Good Luck.

im sure that in the end you will be fine ,your determination shines through and gradually you can then restore your own self esteem,im sure it is scary but only you know what is best for yourself and your daughter.well done for having the courage to tell us all your awful story.

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Twinkie1 - thank you. Yes i do have to leave for my dd's sake because i don't want her growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to live. When she said that about the bruises on my arms it broke my heart. I knew then that i would have to face up to it and do something about it.
Its great that you have turned your life around and that you now have a lovely husband. I find it hard to imagine sharing my life with another man, i don't think i could trust one. I certainly cannot imagine living with one!!!
This might sound crazy but, as scared as I am i am actually feeling excited about having my own place, a cosy little home for me and dd. A bright, happy home with lots of fun and laughter. When he stormed out and didnt come home for 2 days it was an awful time but waking up the next morning knowing he wasnt in the house was wonderful! The atmosphere was so much lighter somehow. Then he had to go spoil it by coming home!

Thank you mummylin its thanks to people like you who have offered me support and encouragement. I know you are all on the otherside of a computer screen but i really don't feel so alone x

Thank you Dior i did feel a bit of a hypocrite offering you advise when i had all this going on but i could sense a lot of myself in you, the low self esteem and the liking to be liked etc.
thank you for taking the time to read my thread x

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IOHW didn't realised you had just started on them maybe they will help to lift you, seem to be doing the trick anyway. What do you think your options will be when you leave ? Sorry don't really have much advice on this but see others who have. Probably all the advice you have given other people is what you want to do yourself.Also it helps to see you not alone and as isolated as he trys to make you. I agree it must be a mixture of terrifying and relief that you have now faced up to this situation.

just keep thinking how lovely it will be not to be on tenterhooks all the time ,scared of saying the wrong thing,being able to fully relax ,knowing there will be no-one there to make you feel bad,that will give you even more encouragement,and help you with your goals.

Hi ifonlyhewould,
After reading about how deeply you`ve been hurt and how hateful your H is, I feel that my post about you sorting out your issues was flippant.
I was basically responding to the idea that you may still love him (because of the title), because I kind of regret splitting up with exP.
YOU have to get out of this relationship. I have to quote a sentence from Germaine Greer, that helped me get over my ex:

"When are women going to stop believing that what looks and feels like hate, is love?"

They say love is a verb, not just a noun. So there is the "state" of being in love (noun), and then there are the actions that show you love someone. He is not showing loving actions towards you; this is not love. Please believe that you can do better.

Morning IOHW how you feeling this morning ?

Hi Dior

I'm sorry that ive confused you. Maybe I have been in denial, i know ive been living a lie, projecting an image of a 'normal' happy family, ive been living out a sort of fantasy. I have tried so hard to make this man love me, to make this relationship work, ive read every price of literiture going in an effort to understand why he is like he is. I just don't know anymore
But yes, i have decided to leave. Something has clicked in this silly head of mine and i have come to my senses. I am emotionally drained, i feel totally battered. I don't have the strength to pretend anymore and i have nothing left of myslef to give in an effort to make this man happy.
In your posts i saw a chink of light, an opening for communication, for compromise, thats from where i gave my advise. It was nice that it worked for you for while and you did manage to get him to agree to Relate so that is a fantstic achievement. I sincerely hope that your husband comes through for you. xx

Thank you mummylin your thoughts, help and advice are much appreciated xx

Sakura - thank you for that, it is so true. But it's not that i thought his look of hate meant he loved me, that just caused me to work harder and give more. It was the odd crumb he would throw me in between the looks of hate that convinced me he must love me. "gosh, he has bought me a magazine! He must love me!" and silly little things like that, yes, i know, it sounds pathetic but thats just how it is. In the early days if we went out for a meal he would always take the menu and choose a meal for me before he decided what he wanted for himself, i took that to mean he cared!! If he knew i had a hair appointment he would leave a picture from a magazine of a style he thought would 'really suit me'.
It goes on from there. You mistake control for love.
Ive always made excuses for him, he is insecure, he is jealous and possesive as a result of this and i have done everything not to raise these traits in him. But i don't have to do anything at all to make him behave badly towards me. He just does it. Then there may be a day when he is nice, calm. Those are the days that keep you hanging in there. You live for those days.
Those days now are very few and far between. I just need to get away now. I've stayed longer than i should because i didn't want to take my little girl away from her daddy but now i think it's probably the best thing i can do.
Thank you so much for all your kind words, your support and for reading my ramblings. It might not always make sense because it just comes spilling out xx

Hi Lilyloo
I'm not feeling quite so perky today but i'm still feeling determined. I think i'm running on autopilot today. DD is watching fifi flowerpot on dvd and he is out at his mates, won't be home til early evening so thats ok. I'm thinking about looking into private rented after reading gtimama post yesterday. I'm trying to decide when would be best to talk to him about it too. Now ive made the decision i want to get it off my chest but i'm not sure if it's best to get everything sorted first. I don't want to cause anymore problems for myself than necessary xx

Lilyloo you are so right in that the advice i have given is what i would like to have done myself. Ive been living in cloud cuckoo land!! But being isolated you don't realise how many people are actually going through similar things to yourself. It's reading OP's that made me question and face up to my own situation. I was originally going to start a thread along the lines of "how many of you are really happy in your r'ship or just pretending to be"

it is hard to advise you really ,only that you must do what you feel is right for you and your daughter in your situation.If it had been me i would be out as soon as it was possible.It is not love, as the other person says it is control.It may be that you have a difficult time ahead but the final result will be well worth it.Maybe he wont believe you at first or think he will talk you round in to staying .Do not be fooled by any sweet talking as he will soon revert back to being what he is.Then you will be back at square one.

Hi mummylin, i think when i first posted i already knew i had to leave and i was sort of working my way up to it. I had spent some time reading other posts and deliberating my own situation. I think when i posted i just wanted to say it all out loud so to speak, at the back of my mind i knew my situation wasn't 'normal' but i wanted someone else to confirm it. I know it sounds really stupid to doubt your own mind.
It does worry me that he may try turning on the charm and i will fall for it, after all, ive done it for years. But ive never felt this strongly about leaving before, ive brushed my situation under the carpet so my dd had a 'proper' family. Since the last episode ive realised that i can't subject my little girl to that kind of environment. I'm actually looking forward to having my own place and being able to breathe properly!! Today i feel like a nervous wreck. My insides feel like jelly. I think i would like nothing more than to find a quiet corner and bawl my eyes out. Hopefully, this feeling will pass very soon and i will be back to feeling strong again.

why are you feeling so nervous today ? is it because you intend to tell him ,or is it the thought of telling him ? take heart that there are a lot of people on here who will help you through it all.You will have times i expect when you will wonder if you are or have done the right thing,especially if he turns on the charm.only you know for sure what you want.I dont have the right to tell you what to do but if i did it would be to leave !

I'm not sure why ive got the nerves today, i just feel all edgy, maybe it is because i know things are going to happen. I'm just hoping i will wake up feeling different tomorrow.

I understand what you are saying about not having the right to tell me what to do. I think i am past the stage now of wanting someone to tell me, a few months ago it would have been a different story, i would have loved someone to tell me to leave because i didn't have the courage to make that decision for myself. I remember reading a post in which the lady wanted her husband to hit her so she had a reason to leave. That jolted me. I didn't need a reason to leave I needed a reason to stay. And i don't have one.
This site and all you lovely ladies who are brave enough to post all of your experiences have helped bring me to my senses. Your kindness, your support and all of your lovely words have made me feel less alone and more able to cope. I know now that i can come on here and post whatever i am feeling without feeling stupid or a nuisance and there will always be someone there to help. thank you xx

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oi dior
is oyur email safe?

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i dont get who g is

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ah haw he haw

hoe thrilling

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