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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

337 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:29

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with meSad

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 26/07/2017 22:22

There is no going back he is a cheating twat and he has made his choice 😡

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 26/07/2017 22:22

It shows he doesn't respect her too.

He probably came out with the lovey dicvey stuff so she'd keep shagging him.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/07/2017 22:29

I wouldn't take him back. No matter what others say - he lied and cheated, and laid hands on you when he was shown up. What a git. And now he's got nobody - serves him right! Prepare for an onslaught of self pity and flying monkeys - it might be an idea to surround yourself with your most resolute friends.

Groovee · 26/07/2017 22:36

I remember your thread. I am so sorry about what you have been through and think that trust will be hard especially if he is away so often.

You have to do what is right for YOU!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 26/07/2017 22:45

It's just horrible. But I think you shouldn't try and force yourself to make any decisions right now while it's so incredibly raw.

Allow yourself time to have a real think. Only you can make the decision either way.

Joinourclub · 26/07/2017 22:45

He sounds disgusting. Just reading this makes my lip curl.

I do agree with Benedikt though that relate could be useful. You two need to continue to have a 'relationship' because of the kids. You can't simply cut him out. Relate could help you establish your new normal, and enable you to be in a room with him, have a civil conversation etc move forwards apart.

I'm assuming that the professionals recommending relate aren't recommending taking him back, simply suggesting a mediation service that can enable you to move forwards (amicably?)

Sunpainting · 26/07/2017 22:47

So sorry for what you are going through. I've been through it.
It doesn't matter what other people say, it is about what you want.
Some people would go to counselling to see if the relationship was repairable and others wouldn't. I think at the end of the day both options are fucking hard. That is where I think a lot of additional anger comes in as he has put you in this shitty position. If you still love him and he shows genuine remorse and you both want to put your energy into creating a new relationship then perhaps it's worth a shot at counselling but I think at the moment it is far too raw and too soon to make that decision. Give yourself some space and be kind to yourself. You are doing an amazing job xxx

jeaux90 · 26/07/2017 22:50

Your husband sounds like a real prize OP! Let the anger and grief flow for a while but then maybe relate could help you longer term to work out how to move past that and co-parent effectively.

I bet he has lied to her too. Not that you need to care but I think it helps to remember the shit they come out with. How your marriage is on the rocks, how you don't understand each other anymore, it's been bad for years etc he's probably lied through his teeth to her too.

The OW wasn't there to police him or help him keep his dick in his pants. That was his job and he failed miserably. He will now probably say anything to buy him some time by getting you to think this wasn't all his fault.

Stay strong, keep your trusted friends and family close x

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 23:16

Thanks all. Going to try for some of that elusive sleep stuff now!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/07/2017 23:22

For the fact that he brought or attempted to bring your children into his sordid affair, I couldn't forgive and reconcile.

He was fully immersed in her and after this....

how much he loved me and would never, could never, had never, would never cheat on me and he was so emphatic and so convincing...

How can you ever trust he's being honest.

Even if I was inclined to forgive, he'd have to realise I was serious and I'd file for divorce.

Depending on how much he grovelled, and with a post nuptial agreement in my favour I might possibly consider it a..

Actually, who am I kidding.... It would be over for sure. Bringing the kids into would seal his fate.

Utter disrespect towards you... And shipping you out of town while he arranges a tryst with the tramp.

Because no decent woman would get involved and be willing to mess with the kids like this. It's deplorable of them both... But mostly him.

Would he stand proud in a few years and be happy to tell his kids what he was up to... That he was planning on having them meet his bit of fluff behind your back?

BraveBear · 26/07/2017 23:50

Be careful about couples counselling. So many of them seem to think that a relationship can't be fixed unless both parties accept some blame, others are only interesting in "winning" by reuniting a couple, never mind what's best for them, there are lots of cautionary tales online.

Do you think you can forgive that he sent you away to free him up to spend time with her? Think back to how he was when it was being organized - did he seem kind, supportive? When secretly he was excited and horny. I don't think I could move past that.

BraveBear · 26/07/2017 23:50

*So many of them seem to think that a relationship can't be fixed unless both parties accept some blame - which is music to the ears of the unfaithful party.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/07/2017 11:09

He did try to pin it on me at first. Said he didn't think I loved him anymore and he felt neglected.

I may have screamed and shouted rather a lot at that. Given that I have been abandoned at home with small children 5-6 days a week while he has been off carrying on with his essentially single life, working away, staying in hotels, eating out and drinking champagne on expenses every night. And, as it turns out, having all his emotional and physical needs met by someone else so that when he did deign to come home at the weekend he was pissed off at the disruption to his lifestyle, and was wishing the time away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/07/2017 11:20

He has been working away from home for years and I accepted it as a necessary evil to advance his career for the sake of the family. However, I always insisted that Friday nights were sacred and asked that he bow out of Friday night socials and recognise that he had had plenty of socialising and "networking" time on the other nights. This year, though, he has stopped even coming home on a Friday, and he blamed some changes at work making it important that he work late or attend "networking" events. So i have been sat at home every friday night for months. Its not like i could go out myself as i was in sole charge of the children. Ive been doing the 5:2 diet and even ended up doing fasting days on a Friday as there seemed no reason why not.
So when he had the cheek to say he felt neglected and trapped he is very lucky I didn't punch him

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 27/07/2017 11:21

What an arse. He will live to regret every second of it, love.

pigeondujour · 27/07/2017 11:23

Just read your second post. Tell people that about the Friday nights when they suggest you get back with him. That shows more contempt for you than the affair itself, in my book. What an absolute cock.

CoconutLush · 27/07/2017 11:24

I remember your original thread op.

I couldn't have him back, what if he does the same again to you in 5 years time? You will have wasted even more precious time on him.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 11:24

As is usual, the person who has been giving least to the relationship is the one that devalues and steps outside of it

None of this is your fault, love, and you should very clearly accept no blame at all

Grooves · 27/07/2017 11:25

He should take responsibility for his own actions. Say you did act that way (neglect him, make him feel unloved) not saying you have, he should have come to you, said "I'm feeling neglected, can we talk about it" and you could have gone forward as a couple.

Personally, I think he's a coward and you're better off without him. He's put his own feelings first and acted in the worst way possible. It's selfish.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/07/2017 11:47

He also can't claim I didn't care about him after i got really upset the first time he unexpectedly said he was staying away in a hotel. That wasn't a Friday night, it wasn't that I wanted him home to spend time together as on the rare occasions he did make it home on a week night he would get in while I was asleep and leave at the crack of dawn so I wouldn't see him anyway. In fact I always tried to be sympathetic to the long hours and was really easy going about him staying in a hotel instead of burning the candle at both ends. But when I got a last minute "actually might stay in a hotel tonight, that OK?" I got quite shirty. That weekend I burst into tears and asked what I was supposed to think when he suddenly wants to stay away at the last minute for no apparent reason when I already gave him so much freedom to plan when he needed to stay away in advance. He got really upset that he had even made me think he might be having an affair and made profound and heartfelt declarations of love and devotion, with the repeated assertions that he had not, could not, would never do anything like that and I had nothing to fear.

When I found out I asked him if it had started before that and he said no. But I checked the dates on my messages and she had helpfully mentioned their "anniversary" in some of the messages I had seen, so he eventually admitted it had been a week prior. He says that the first occasion had been a one night thing and at that point he thought it was a massive mistake and felt guilty, hence he had been able to be so heartfelt and convincing.

After that I stopped holding to his planned nights away and would just check if he was coming home that night so I didn't accidentally lock him out. I later saw messages to OW holding that against me and saying nobody cared where he was. Which was not fucking true, I was just trying not to be the nagging wife, and gave him enough rope to hang us all.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2017 11:51

I'm sorry OP, this is truly an awful time.
But you are doing all the right things.
Keeping busy etc....
I couldn't forgive my ExH after such a huge betrayal.
I hope your counselling session helps.
Keep leaning on friends and family - they want to help you.
Ignore their crap about relate.
Only go if you are both agreed that it will be to ensure a smooth and amicable separation.

But do give yourself some time.
It's very recent and very raw.
You will have so many ups and downs in the next year you won't know what's going on a lot of the time.
Then make decisions about YOUR future yourself.
This is your life.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 11:58

He really is a piece of shit

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/07/2017 12:00

BARF at their "anniversary".

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/07/2017 12:01

Yes he really is. Can't believe I have known him so long and didnt recognise this

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/07/2017 12:03

She sounds delightful too.