Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

337 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:29

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with meSad

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 26/07/2017 21:14

You will never trust him again and without trust you can't love. He has betrayed you and your live together. If you took him back could you ever trust him? I wouldn't be able to in your place. Forget about relate, it's for people who are having 'difficulties' not suffering a betrayal of this magnitude.

donajimena · 26/07/2017 21:15

You can go to Relate. I think its a great idea. On your own to get support with the end of your relationship. I'm so sorry this is happened. You've already kicked his sorry cheating arse out so you are stronger than you think. Good luck with the jobs and to a bright future. Its just the early days that suck.

dangermouseisace · 26/07/2017 21:15

You poor thing bedraggledmumoftwo Flowers

I had a similar thing where it was mumsnet that basically 'told' me my husband was cheating. He admitted it not long after.

We'd been to Relate when we'd previously temporarily split over his 'issues', mainly centred around his lying. All that happened was I ended up feeling bad about being angry at him and feeling sad that I was thinking of chucking away everything that we had. Like you, he'd been my best friend and I loved him.

I wish I hadn't done it as he royally screwed me over after we got back together again, taking the opportunity to try to completely destroy my life in every way before waltzing off with the OW. If we hadn't gone to Relate my life would be so much better.

If your H is capable of lying and deceit on a large scale, which he clearly is, do not waste your time trying to reason with him via Relate. If he's lied to you so far, why would he tell the truth in a Relate session? I agree with PP who said individual counselling (for you) would be far better. Photocopy all the paperwork of his that you can (payslips, P60's, pension statements) and then when you've got all that request that he leaves. String him along until you've got your info if necessary, a little bit of manipulating the truth compared to his planned deception is nothing. Citizens Advice website has lots of info on separation. Sorry but the man is a scheming tosspot, and by the looks of it was likely to be working towards abandoning you at some point. You and your kids deserve better.

Dibbles1967 · 26/07/2017 21:16

Feel so bad for you.

Men can be such dicks (not all of them, but you don't need to hear that right now)

Why on earth was he sending her pics of your family day out?!

I still don't get why OW (in general) believe all the bullshit. MY ex did a similar thing so I really feel for you & DC's Flowers

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 21:19

*Oh good god! I think I remember you!

Was this the work colleague who he'd introduced you to, you'd become firm friends with & then they'd inexplicably fallen out just before a holiday?*

That was the thread. But just to be clear it wasn't holiday friend that was OW, it was another colleague they both work with.

Holiday friend has been very supportive and is also a victim of this herself because he has been alienating her and blaming her for his moods for months because she has been getting close to me and has been daring to question why he is no longer free for coffee or drinks, when clearly he had better things to do and she was cramping his style

OP posts:
Beenbadwolf · 26/07/2017 21:21

Don't take him back.

The relationship can never be the same again.

Sorry OP Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/07/2017 21:24

Relate can potentially help you separate 'well', as in helping you work out the details of a financial settlement, access to children etc.

IF you decide you want to try again (and you shouldn't, you shouldn't, you absolutely shouldn't) then counselling would be a necessity.

But otherwise, nah. My DF is going through a break up and was just saying the other day how invested some of her friends were in keeping them together. Usually the ones with poor relationships who liked to moan about them in the pub - they were so uncomfortable with her moving on. No-one likes the trailblazer.

Stick in, you'll get there and he is lower than the low.

pigeondujour · 26/07/2017 21:24

You poor thing, OP. You sound so sad. You won't always be. Flowers x

thespywholovedme · 26/07/2017 21:26

Bedraggledmumof2 I think you're amazing. Applying for jobs and getting your CV together with all this going on! Something tells me you are going to be ok. I don't know if I would be so together. You will probably never trust him again, so it's a question of whether you can forgive and forget completely, or whether you'll be happier in the long run if you make a clean break now and save yourself from the agony of wondering where he really is the next time he says he's staying in a hotel. I'm so sorry this has happened.

dangermouseisace · 26/07/2017 21:26

and he broke your toes in the kerfuffle to get his phone back? That's some kerfuffle- he clearly had no concerns for your physical wellbeing and was determined to get what he wanted, even if it involved hurting you.

I wonder if you'd be able to use that as evidence of domestic violence for legal aid? I hope you told the hospital how it happened.

moggiek · 26/07/2017 21:28

I am truly sorry this is happening to you, OP. IMO there's no way back from this. Once the trust has gone, it's gone.

Grooves · 26/07/2017 21:28

Sorry @gingergenius

Just cheating to me is the ultimate betrayal. They never cared about you whilst sleeping with someone else, sneaking around and I couldn't forgive that.

I couldn't be with a man that would give himself to another woman.

We're all different people with different opinions. I respect yours and hope it works for you.

Lanaorana2 · 26/07/2017 21:31

OP, how grim for you. The horrible thing is how badly he wants to try and come back - absolutely no consideration for you at all. None. Just wants his stuff back.

And no love for his unfortunate GF either, to whom he has lied and lied too.

He doesn't love either of you. Hmm - if you take him back, he might do it again. I reckon he will. Safest him being at his parents.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 21:32

On the positive side I have effectively been a single parent for years, due to his working practices keeping him in hotels from Monday to Friday anyway. So I'm not used to much support with the kids etc anyway.

But I have had the luxury of being a sahm during that time (although it doesn't suit me) and now I will have to juggle work as well.

At the end of the day it is the children I am heartbroken for. I know on mumsnet people always say he left the mother not the kids etc. But his actions are going to affect them, and not for the better, regardless of what happens to our marriage. So he has done this to them too. Which surely he was aware of while sending her pics of them on the teacups while at the funfair with mummy?

OP posts:
magoria · 26/07/2017 21:34

Relate may not be a bad idea.

Not for any chance at reconciliation but to help you work through the ending of the relationship and support you with that.

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 21:35

I hope you inform his dps of the facts. . Not his fairy tale version. .

Lanaorana2 · 26/07/2017 21:35

Oh, OP, you are so sweet and strong - it shines out from your posts. You know what - the DC are going to be fine.

What they'll think of dearest daddy when they're old enough to know what he's really like is not your concern.

Mama234 · 26/07/2017 21:35

Yes the whole picture thing would make me feel really sick.
He sounds deluded, You can do so much better.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/07/2017 21:36

He is sorry, because he has been found out to be a cheating, lying, conniving, low life rat.
OP, some kinds of broken, can't and shouldn't be fixed, this is one of them.
You will recover from this Sweet, but it'll take time.
Let him face the music alone.
I'm so sorry you're having to endure this. 💐

Lanaorana2 · 26/07/2017 21:37

Seconded - tell his parents the truth. They need to know. He'll have lied to them too - you don't say.

Emmeline123 · 26/07/2017 21:37

He's a prick. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. Flowers

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 21:37

He broke it off with the OW. Apparently she said she couldn't believe he had "caved" so easily.
I was beyond incredulous. Caved on their sordid affair in late night hotel rooms? What about how frigging easily he caved on our 15 year relationship, 8 year marriage and 5 and 3 year old children all for the excitement of an illicit affair. It makes me furious just to think about it.

OP posts:
GriseldaChop · 26/07/2017 21:38

Really sorry that you're going through this. My husband cheated on me (ten years ago now) and so many people had so many opinions. My advice is to do what's right for you. For me, I couldn't stay with him as I knew it would never be the same as the trust had gone. We did try, but for me it was only because I felt I should, but in my heart I knew I couldn't go back. I was lucky, we didn't have any dc to consider, I know that makes it harder, but you'll know what is right for you and your dc. It's good you've your parents there for you and the job applications to keep you busy. Stay strong, you'll come out the other side, you'll feel shitty on the way but it'll be worth it. Flowers

Maria1982 · 26/07/2017 21:41

I don't know why everyone is suggesting Relate, but I am happy to disagree with them!

He has cheated and lied and broken your trust. If you decided you wanted to try to stay together Relate might be of use.

However from your posts I don't think you want that. I wouldn't either! I would want him gone.

As someone above said, Relate can do individual sessions to help youyou sort through your feelings.and frankly screw him. Start putting yourself first!

OllyBJolly · 26/07/2017 21:42

I was in your situation 25 years ago. At the time I really thought life wasn't worth living. Within a few years I had a great job (SAHM before), fabulous network of friends and a lovely life with my 2 DCs. He married the OW. I stayed single.

Now we're both mid 50s. His second marriage broke up very acrimoniously due to his cheating and his XW no 2 gave him a much more difficult time than I did (Respect sister!). DW number 3 has just left him with a year old baby because "It's not for her".

You are way too good for this piece of shit. Take a bit of time to heal, then live the life you want. I've honestly never been happier and only regret the 18 months I spent wishing he'd come back. You are worth far more than that kind of life.