Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

I would divorce him and insist on 50/50 childcare so you can advance your career. He can kiss his partnership goodbye.

What an utter arsehole! How does it always become the woman's fault? We ask them to do their share and we nag...we are doing the main bulk of childcare and still poor little man child doesn't get enough. Why can't they own up and say they wanted the easy life. I understand that women have affairs to but it does seem it's a lot of men!

OP sorry this has happened. What an utter fuck wit. You deserve more than this.

know on mumsnet people always say he left the mother not the kids etc

Some do and I don't buy it. If you leave your partner you are also leaving your kids. It's just a fact - if you have to leave the family home, you're not going to be with your kids every day. Anyone who cheats knows that is at stake and some people do it anyway.

You're so brave and dignified, you can hold your head up high and be proud of how well you're doing in the face of a complete shit storm and having to rethink everything you've known.

You'll have a better life without him. He's weak, deceitful, calculating and cruel. Lean on the kind people around you who can help you adjust to the new normal, try to steer clear of him and his bullshit. And anyone else around you trying to make you doubt yourself and your feelings and forgive his appalling behaviour. Honestly, you'll look back and wonder why you put up with him for so long, even without the disgusting betrayal and affair.

Nothing more to add op except good luck.

I'm really sorry. He's lied repeatedly and it's unforgiveable.

Can I suggest that you find a good psychotherapist to talk all this through with? There's an amazing amount of support on here, but it makes such a difference to have a safe space to process things with somebody who can really listen actively and guide you. Check for UKCP or BACP accreditation.

OP, every cell in your body is going to want to take him back, for what you once had and 'for the children's sake'. Please, please be strong, walk away and don't look back. Life is short.
You never really knew this person. The person you believed you knew didn't really exist. That person couldn't have, wouldn't have done this. But, this person did! In moments of weakness, you have to keep telling yourself that this man is not the man you thought you knew. That man was an illusion. He will never be that man, never.
This has been a well-planned, well-orchestrated betrayal by your husband. He has lied to your face repeatedly and only now regrets his affair...after he's been caught. You can bet your last penny that this would have gone on and on and on without a single thought for you had you not found out.
The fact he was sending photographs of your children to OW is unforgivable. It's monstrous, in fact. There was you thinking you were enjoying a family day out together while he's rushing off photographs of your beloved children to the slut he's betraying you and them with.
Please think of this when he comes, tail between legs, telling you he loves you, you and the children are his world, he doesn't know what he was thinking, OW means nothing etc etc. It's BS, believe me. Men capable of conducting themselves with the morals of an alley cat never change. He will not change but he will be more careful next time given the chance.
Divorce the disgusting excuse for a man and get good financial support from him in place for your children. And, don't look back. Onwards and upwards. There is better - MUCH BETTER - out there for you and your children. You both deserve better! While he deserves the kind of whore who'll happily sleep with a married man and coo over photographs of the children he's betraying.
I hope you are ok, OP. Stay strong

I agree with someone who said, forgiveness on one night stands or a week of stupidity and admitted, then maybe. Its much harder when its not been admitted or confessed and has gone on over a period and involves 'emotional' not just sex. In these cases its not spur of moment/a bit too much to drink etc, its premeditated and planned stuff involving a lot of deceit.

In the circumstances Relate is a waste of time and money. Yes it can help deal with the divorce process, but I'm not convinced OP needs that kind of help. Personally I'd be accessing one on one counselling for support in the circumstances if I felt I needed it.

*DarthMaiden

Unlike a lot of people on MN I don't subscribe to the view that adultery always has to mean the end of the relationship.

Having said that, I can't see any other option in your case without it destroying your sense of self worth and respect.

The defining characteristic (to me) of his actions is that he deliberately shaped a lifestyle, which he coerced you into accepting and normalising, that accommodated his cheating.

This was highly manipulative and also sociopathic in its implementation and maintenance - which included not just yourself but also your mutual friend by his deliberate rejection and fabricated dislike of her - simply because she had the potential to impact his carefully prepared set up.

He clearly has no moral boundaries - yourself, your friends and even your children have all been reduced to pawns on his chessboard.

There is only one possible response to this - stop playing. Don't engage. Focus on your own welfare and that of your children.

Counselling if you feel it would help you, but certainly not with him. He's far to manipulative for that to have any possible benefit.

Tell friends, family etc what he's done. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Let him "own" what he is and how he's behaved*

^I agree with everything Darth Maiden has said above op! Your h is a dangerously manipulative sociopath! He has planned, divided and manipulated everyone around him to have his perfect life! He has no care for you, your children or even the other woman. You are his trophy wife, his perfect family for everyone to admire him for and for showing to his parents/ boss/ anyone important. He had the perfect life, a loving and naive (justifiably) wife at home looking after his children. A tramp on tap to fulfill his sexual needs whilst away from home (she is no more than a hooker to him, he has shown this by his ability to discard her with no thought for her feelings either) and a single lifestyle letting him lead his dream life whilst his loving wife raises their children alone! No wonder he manufactured the fallout with his work friend, he wouldn't want her finding out and ruining his cozy set up

You come across as so lovely in your posts op, I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much! I have a hunch that your h may be a narcissistic sociopath, look up narcissism. It would be very useful to know if he is as he may turn nasty!^

I remember your other thread.

I'm glad it's not your friend (his colleague) that he cheated with.

Will you still go away with her? Without the twat?

Doesn't sound to me like a sociopath. Just your common and garden shit-for-brains bloke.

Can't believe I have known him so long and didnt recognise this

When someone sets out to deceive you, they are already steps ahead of you, so please do not ever blame yourself for not recognising the signs.

That's exactly how people are married to serial killers and only find out on the day the police come knocking.

He played your every day hard working husband and was just manipulative all along.

With his lifestyle, it's unlikely to be his first rodeo, but that doesn't matter, because this once is really enough.

He gave himself permission to cheat by saying you didn't care and he felt neglected... That's just bull.

She was his fantasy and he was so excited at the thought of it.

I bet he spun her the line of I'm only staying because of the kids... Then she says to all her friends, he's such a great dad.

If it's truly been a three week affair, thank heavens you found out now... Because I've seen women whose husbands were in affairs for years.

I would suggest any counselling you do, should be individual counselling, not relate at this point.

I'm very much in favour of marriage and working at it, but I think there's a limit to the disrespect anyone should tolerate in a marriage.

Children are a no go area in my book.

If it's truly been a three week affair, thank heavens you found out now...

No the affair has been going on for months but the 5000 messages I found only went back three weeks. Which was when I went to a high profile corporate entertainment thing with him and there would have been pictures of me looking fabulous and us looking happy. I imagine they had a bit of a falling out over that and he deleted the old messages at that point but two days later it all started up again.

This was highly manipulative and also sociopathic in its implementation and maintenance

Actually there was some sort of internet personality test doing the rounds a few years ago and he came out as a psychopath. I thought that was a big joke too but maybe I should have paid more attention

Sorry not psychopath. Sociopath

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

Get rid and don't look back OP.

What an utter shitbag he is. Please don't take him back, you can do this

What a shit.

My dad cheated on my mom in gaps throughout her 27 year marriage. He left her for the OW and fully expected to move back in when he was done having his fun. He couldn't believe it when she filed for divorce. Because he is a selfish asshole. Your husband is also a selfish asshole.

If you take him back, its your business. But I think you have the strength to do it on your own, as you've been doing for the last few years. It'll be hard, he'll use every bit of emotional blackmail to get you to stay. My dad would withhold alimony and child support payments to my mother to punish her for having the gall to divorce him. Never mind he'd been having an affair, hiding money, and also taking photos of his children and sending to his OW to suggest they could be a happy family. But we were 26, 24, 22, and 18.

I'd suggest 50/50 custody so you can have some time on your own for the first time in years. The good thing would be that you can finally take care of yourself, do things because you want to, and find something or someone that makes you happy. Good luck.

You sound so strong.

Haven't rft.
So sorry op. You've had a terrible shock.
This won't help you right now but try to remember my word at least you know the truth.
My exh cheated and lied to me for ten months. Told me he wasn't having an affair but had fallen out of love with me.

The truth would have been better than his lies because he kept me hanging on.
He was hoping to find his way back to me.
He just kept me dangling.

At least you've been cut loose.
Get your business head on.
I'm sure up thread people have told you what to do

My children were a similar age 27, 25, and 23

He sounds like a grade A selfish fucker.

I don't think I could get over this level of deceit and then to have the absolute cheek to say it was because he was feeling neglected. Please don't take him back as he will do it again (and again and again).

Thank you all for your words of strength. I've no idea what will happen but I am certainly more cynical than I was and I do think I would be strong enough to do it all myself. I would certainly rather do it all myself rather than find myself back in the same position again.

He seems 100% sorry and is pretty broken and begging for second and third chances. Which hurts me to see because I have loved him for 15 years. But then I remember all the little details of betrayal and deceit and I wonder if I really know him at all.

Seem to go from furious to numb to sad and back to furious several times a day at the moment.

Each day I think it is getting better but then something sets me off again and it is as raw as it was ten days ago

Really, it's a grieving process. 15 years is a long time. Furious, to numb, to sad and back again is all very very normal.

He seems 100% sorry - but that is it. Seems. He is probably very upset at the thought he had two women, and now has none. He will have to see kids on weekends, pay maintenance, split 50/50 with you in the divorce...these are the things he's upset about. Not being able to have his cake and eat it.

Trust me when I say I have seen the sorriest man after yet another night of drunken abuse.

They are not sorry. Not in the way you want them to be anyway.

It will be raw for a time.

Cynicism is now part of the new you. It's not a bad thing to have TBH.

You will DEFINITELY be strong enough to do this alone.

and and if you're up to it!!