Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

So I have survived another week. Just about. But I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants as I just wasn't coping. I feel like all the months of gaslighting has fucked with my head and now even though I know I was right all along I just can't get my head around the lengths he went to to continue to lie to me

Sometimes you'll never understand the lengths people will go to have and continue affairs.

The gaslighting cheaters inflict to cover their backside is shocking at times.

They don't think or care about the damage their inflicting on you.

One of the worst cases I've come across was a woman who told her DH he imagining her having an affair and diagnosed that he was suffering from Othello syndrome ... then proceeded to find him a therapist and vouched to stand by him.

All along she was having an affair as suspected.

Your DH has behaved shamefully...but he has to look in the mirror and see the man he's become.

Can he ever look at your DC and tell them what he's done...even in 5/10 years time ... he'll be filled with shame.... while you can hold your head up high.

Your conscience is clear

Decree nisi arrived today

Think of it as the first step to freedom.

Sorry

Oh, OP, you've been put through so much. My heart goes out to you. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to in the financial settlement... A guy this selfish is never going to do the right thing by hie kids in 5, 10, 15 years time.

Thinking of you OP! I have been in hospital and tried to reply last Saturday, but lost patience with hospital WiFi! You have been through so much, your dh is a lying snake (which is funnily enough an accurate term for a certain type of lawyer), I hope that you and your children are doing as well as possible.

Op. I've run a similar path. Am slowly coming out the other side. It really does get better.

Wish I was coming out the other side. Realised today it was my work anniversary. This time last year I was starting my new job and feeling like I had taken control of my life and was moving forward. A year later and I am a wreck again. I can't believe he wasted another year of my life and gaslighted me so much that I feel like I have lost my mind and am having to be medicated.

Oh OP  This time next year will be much better.

Hi
Re pension stuff. You really need advice. Spoke to someone I know and they said something along the lines of:
Cetvs have increased as a result of cost of providing guaranteed pension income has risen dramatically in last couple of years. You can't compare dc with db/cetv as two different animals or apples with pears.
Hope you understand the gist of the above as I didn’t!
Basically get advice like a pp said as the pension is probably worth a lot more.

Thanks Nagaram. I'm an accountant and spend half my life lecturing our employees on the differences between defined benefit and defined contribution pensions! It is mine that is defined benefit though - his is effectively just a pot of invested money. I realise the cetv on a dB pension is pretty much a work of fiction/blunt instrument but it is the only one there is and I spent ages untangling the complicated formula they use to calculate it. I have formally requested a valuation from the pension scheme now so will see if what they come back with is close to my estimate.

See a really good lawyer. Properly and more than one token visit, and let them lead. Your STBX is a very high earner and will continue to be. If you don't want a lawyer to represent you, then use a lawyer to tell you what to say and do and to check your draft letters and emails. You must must get the consent order right, though speaking from experience a consent order will fall apart in the drafting stage unless he thinks he's getting a really good deal and you'll end up with lawyers anyway after wasting months or years wrangling. #grimexperience