Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

Why would friendssuggest relate? What kind of friends are they unless they mean to help you recover from the betrayal and end of your marriage? And how can he possibly think this is forgiveable? It's not. The lies, the deception , the swearing he couldn't have an affair, the sending photos of your children, the skiving off on looking after them for a date, the not being there in your marriage or for the kids, the messaging her when he was there? How can he think the marriage he could hardly focus on for an hour without messaging his gf can be saved? How can he think he loves you? Or his children tbh- I don't really see how someone could betray their children like that either. Hugs op, you sound like you're doing brilliantly but this would be so so difficult.

If you take him back, how is he going to stay faithful when he lives in hotels Mon-Fri?

Logistics are on non-one's side here.

If he and GF really have split, I bet it's because she's realised he had a live-in wife. He wd have told her allsorts.

I'm so so sorry Bedraggled. It sounds like you know what you want to do. If he was so convincing in his declarations of fidelity and adoration before then I can't see how you will ever be able to trust him again!

Also, the bitch he cheated with is an absolute disgrace.

This?.

What is the MN opinion on the OW that is so often involved? Surely she should know that there is a wife/ partner/ spouse/children etc who is on the other side to whom she is causing or will cause so much trouble for why does this woman behave like that?.

Are there any MN contributors who have been in that position?.

FWIW Bedraggledmumoftwo I have been in your situation with a cheating now ex wife.

Perhaps they are suggesting Relate because they know Relate offers one-to-one counselling?
There's no point going to counselling with your husband. He's not remorseful about the affair. He's remorseful about getting caught. He doesn't get to decide how you feel about all this.
fwiw I think going to Relate on your own is good advice. They are experienced relationship counsellors and you need support to process all this.

Relate will only work if you both still want the marriage to work

This is wrong, Relate isn't there to mend marriages, they work to help people find the best solution going forward which for many is separation and divorce, much like Lonny has described on the thread already. The OP may well not need them in this case anyway.

This is really sad to read and am sorry to hear its happened to you OP, I'm another one who went through it with an ex-partner ten years ago and had a lot of similarities to you eg the weight loss and much worse things. What worked for me was finding new friends and getting out, it was a realization that I missed socializing and company not the particular person. It can be a long road through it but you really do get there in the end and will wonder why you ever cared

Unlike a lot of people on MN I don't subscribe to the view that adultery always has to mean the end of the relationship.

Having said that, I can't see any other option in your case without it destroying your sense of self worth and respect.

The defining characteristic (to me) of his actions is that he deliberately shaped a lifestyle, which he coerced you into accepting and normalising, that accommodated his cheating.

This was highly manipulative and also sociopathic in its implementation and maintenance - which included not just yourself but also your mutual friend by his deliberate rejection and fabricated dislike of her - simply because she had the potential to impact his carefully prepared set up.

He clearly has no moral boundaries - yourself, your friends and even your children have all been reduced to pawns on his chessboard.

There is only one possible response to this - stop playing. Don't engage. Focus on your own welfare and that of your children.

Counselling if you feel it would help you, but certainly not with him. He's far to manipulative for that to have any possible benefit.

Tell friends, family etc what he's done. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Let him "own" what he is and how he's behaved.

Your kids will be fine. They have you.

I feel for you OP.
He sounds like an absolute cunt - sending her pictures of your kids! Giggling over their plans for when he'd got rid of you for the weekend! What an utter, massive, cheating, disrespectful, devious cunt.

I've been there - to an extent. I'm a namechanger, but have posted about this before. I could not forgive and forget and move on.
I tried the first time - young child involved, I thought I couldn't handle being a single parent and dealing with the 'heartbreak'. Guess what - being a single parent was the easy part - trying to hide my bitterness and insecurities and absolute fucking loathing of a twat who would treat me and my child like that was very much the hard part.

You will get over this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but really you will. And if you want to try Relate, please think about whether you will be able to be comfortable with him texting on his phone, coming back late from work, being 'off' with you. I'll not forgot the dread in my stomach that everytime one of those things happened that he was cheating on me again. I turned into someone I didn't recognise. You deserve better than that. Your kids deserve a mother who is better than that.

I wish you well.

@justaboy

I think it's a selfish thing to be honest, it's about what she wants and has no respect for whom she is hurting.

I also think it's low self esteem, she may feel empowered and "I've taken someone's man" but she can't love herself if she can do that, and walk around knowing she's hurt another person.

I'm not a big fan of women that act that way, I believe women shoud have respect for other women and their relationships! Which means "stay the fuck away from a man if he's not single, get your own man"

Relate can potentially help you separate 'well', as in helping you work out the details of a financial settlement, access to children etc.
This is true (the people saying to avoid relate seem to he assuming they will try to patch things up at any cost, that's not the case), and it could give you a chance to tell him just how hurt you feel, and hear a response in a safer and more controlled environment. My ex and I had counselling and it helped to close things down and say the things we needed to, so that there seemed an ending.
I'd caution though, that we previously saw a relate counsellor who was not at all helpful (ex did nothing to help out with DC or round house, and she told to be more accepting of him, not expect help, and that my feelings of misery were just attention seeking behaviour..). So if it doesn't seem at all helpful, you may need to find a different counsellor.
Your DCs will be sad about the split, but they will cope with your support, children are adaptable. And they may see their dad for more quality time once he has to specifically have them for a visit, rather than fit family life around his job.

Sorry but I would give up on him for good, that level o duplicity sucks. I remember your post from before. Best not show him these threads lovely, could turn nasty.
It's a no-no actually. Think of contacting Womens' Aid for advice as you must be devastated.
Hugs and keep on keeping on xx

If he had owned up on his own and admitted it relate may have worked.

If it had been a ONS he felt terribly guilt about Relate might have worked.

But he doesn't love you.

He couldn't wait to get you out of the house so he could sleep with her. Just because you now know doesn't mean he doesn't still feel that way.

How could you ever see him in any light other than disgust again?

He's not thought about your kids either as he palmed them off. He may well have been a lovely person before but he isn't anymore.

He's only thinking of him.

Let the other woman have him and then there'll be a new vacancy of mistress for someone else to take up.

Meanwhile you can hold your head up high.

I couldn't forgive that kind of prolonged, calculated deception, or his willingness to bring your children into his relationship with her. Do you know her OP?

PS. I would NOT go to Relate with someone who can manipulate and lie and use you and your lovely children as pawns.They sit there and lie some more.
I hope him and his cock are very happy together...

Because that is how it is and you must get what you need in terms of your assets and move right on.

What does OW mean by caved?

What an absolute prick your H is.

I could never come close to forgiving him. There would be no way back.

I say that as someone who, along with my OH, has done some swinging in years gone by.

It wouldn't be about the fact he has been sleeping with an OW. It would be the lost trust and his deception.

You'll get through this!

I know people who have repaired a marriage after infidelity, using Relate and other means.

Having read your story op I am so sorry but I really don't think that you would benefit.

I've been in your shoes, as many on here have, and it hurts like nothing else, hurt for yourself and for your poor children who have been let down so badly by their father.

But you can't worry about that now. You didn't do it, he did, and all you can control is your response to his shitty behaviour. You sound dignified and strong, and I'm amazed that you're already making plans and looking for employment. Show him what he threw away. Show your kids how to deal with betrayal. One day you'll look back and think thank god I found out what he was like before I wasted more years.

I know on mumsnet people always say he left the mother not the kids etc.

No, I really disagree with this OP, he has betrayed you and the children. He has left you and the children. And that, is unforgivable.

You sound amazing and incredibly strong. What a horribly shit time for you, but it will pass, I promise. And life will get so much better

My ex broke by finger trying to get his phone off me, and no it cannot be described as an accident. SO desperate he was to not let me find out.

Good luck. Take support where you can. Be kind to yourself x

Op I was in a similar position a year ago and pregnant too. I decided to give him another chance after him pleading for weeks with tears ect ect blah blah. A year on and I'm in the same situation again, except now I am unable to leave the home and he refuses to go. Quit while you're ahead op, I know the easiest option is to stay for the kids but this will never work and even if he never decieves you again you will constantly play those messages in your head and won't be able to look at him the same again.

I would be wary of Relate - it didn't work well for me as DH1 lied and manipulated. He sat there trying to make out that everything was my fault yet somehow forgot to mention the OW to the counsellor and the fact that he had a church and reception venue booked for his next wedding despite the fact that we were not divorced.

However afterwards he did a big show of telling everyone we knew "hey I tried Relate but they said the relationship couldn't be saved" even though it was all bollocks

I remember your original thread, OP, and I've been wondering how you are. I can imagine you must be having the worst time of it at the moment but I'm pleased that you have friends and family that support you. I'm sure it's a small consolation now, but it sounds like you've got a good head on yourself and I can imagine that in a year from now your future will look much brighter.
I know you will support your children through this process and I hope you will take any time out offered to you to give yourself a mental break at times because you'll need it to keep strong.
Good luck with the job search and I hope you find a job that you love as well as it brings you independence, both financially as well as a person who exists and participates in all spheres of life, no longer being at the mercy of someone who ultimately was happy to use you for their own gains and not consider the catastrophic consequences of their actions. You deserve better and I sure hope you get better.

What does OW mean by caved
I think she meant that they were all lovey dovey and he was making her promises about meeting children and alluding to a future without me. Then one day I found out and the same day he broke it off with her. So she said I can't believe you caved on our romeo and Juliet star crossed lovers romance type thing.
The implication is that I begged him to reconsider and he caved. When actually I had already seen all I needed to see and came back with the assumption he was already going off with her and it was him that begged forgiveness and second chances

You are being incredibly strong. It's difficult to see anything salvageable- he wasn't only cheating on you, he acted as though he was trying to replace you with OW in your own family.

I suspect he fell out with holiday friend because she'd figured out that he was up to something, and he needed to stop her telling you about her suspicions.

Op
You sound amazing. Your dignity in all of this has shown through. I just don't see you with the person you've described your dh to be. The glee he appears to have taken in cheating on his wife and kids gives me no hope that he's redeemable...

OP don't totally discard the idea of Relate as this can be helpful in sorting the aftermath of separation, arrangement for children etc. People get the idea that Relate pressures couples to stay together etc and unless they want to try again it's not worthwhile. It's a valuable environment to express your feelings to your H -- just why you don't feel able to trust him again etc
Good luck