Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

OP, sometimes your heart will be frozen, sometimes it will melt into floods of tears.

That volatility you feel now isn't going to last forever. You're going to realign your life to a more truthful place. Right now you don't know that yet, you just have to believe it.

Absorbing the pain of loss is hard work. It's not a "just do it" kind of thing. The challenge is to take the time you need to heal and retain your heart's capacity to feel love, happiness, and joy again. You're not going to let anybody take that away from you, are you? .

I'm so glad you are pushing through with the divorce and so sad it has worked out this way (as in, he's turned out to have this rotten 10%).

I don't think your life has been a lie either. Some parts of it before all the sides of him were revealed were probably very real to you both and their meaning to you and your fond memories from before the shit storm don't need to be re-written unless it helps.

I am pushing through with the divorce but as I told the counsellor yesterday, I is because I know I have to and not because I want to. I am still hoping to wake up from this ridiculous nightmare but I know that isn't going to happen.
So yesterday I talked to the mortgage company about transfer of equity and booked some estate agents in to value the property so that we can get moving on the financials after the nisi is issued in a fortnight. At the moment we have agreed a split in principle and are hoping to just get a consent order and not have a court battle but I told him he needs to speak to a lawyer becuse we are to both be able to tick a box to say we have both had legal advice otherwise it might not go through. The split we have agreed is in my favour given that a) I am the primary carer b) my career progression has gone backwards due to mat leaves and being a sahm for 2.5 years. I am now back at work but more junior. And c) he earns over 3x what I do now and his future earning capacity is through the roof- the whole reason I did the sahm thing was to support his career to get him to where he now is and eventually for him to make partner and earn Megabucks.

Then when I said about him seeing a lawyer yesterday I said he would need to be honest about the situation (as described above) and he suddenly decided he didn't think that he was going to make partner now! Two weeks ago he was still talking about a 2 year path to partner. And then when I am listing him telling his future earning capacity to a lawyer he suddenly decides he thinks he is going to probably not do that anymore!!!

I don't know how much difference it iwll actually make given he already has a good six figure salary. But I think the deal we have agreed is good for him given that he will be earning Megabucks (could easily be 7 figures in 5years) whereas if he decides to downplay and minimise like he has everything else for the last two years then the lawyer will probably encourage him to fight for more and then we will have to have a court battle and I really don't think I can face that, although I realise I will have to if the time comes.

Someone on my thread shared your thread with me as I am going through a similar thing. Different details but similar types of men I think. I sympathise

sohardtochooseausername Funnily enough I think I was reading your thread yesterday!

This struck me from yours... *He’s insistent they are really good friends who accidentally shagged a couple of times." Yet mine somehow managed to convince me, a professional woman with three degrees that was exactly the case a few months ago. Should have given my head's wobble back then. Just like all the people on his thread did.

Oh yes, the poor dear did in fact post on here for advice (without actually telling the truth of course) Didn't much like what he was told and in fact I think it was part of the smoke and mirrors pretending to be open stuff but he got his arse handed to him on a plate, which was some minor consolation to me

He posted on here?!

I wouldn't do this without exhaustive legal backing, because if he's worth that much, and has the potential to make millions, don't just sign away quickly.

Make sure you fully understand what you are entitled to here, and not just getting this over with, which could suit him long term.
If he's not comfortable with lawyers as he'd have to be truthful about his earnings, then there must be money he's not going to give you.

If he's got that kind of earning potential and is still going to quibble about money FOR,HIS CHILDREN after all he's done, then that's the measure of the man.

I see nothing wrong with you going to MC for the reason you state. Don't be dictated to by posters on here.

As for women like the OW being taken advantage of...nonsense. She knowingly had an affair with a MM. That's on her. She's a fool...but sadly some women of a certain age can become desperate for a man and lower their standards...accepting crumbs.

Yes..he played her too...but if she wasn't complicit in being his bit on the side it would be a non issue.

It's clear cake eating and finances are a big reason he doesn't want a divorce.

If he has the slightest remorse...he should really not mess you around with the settlement.

Does his family know he's been lying all along?

You have details of his pension as well as salary, correct?

This struck me from yours... He’s insistent they are really good friends who accidentally shagged a couple of times." Yet mine somehow managed to convince me, a professional woman with three degrees that was exactly the case a few months ago. Should have given my head's wobble back then. Just like all the people on his thread did.*

Yes I posted a year or so ago about how unhappy I was, even before I knew about the 2nd affair and everyone wobbled my head and I thought I could love him into changing. I’ve got a PhD. Doesn’t make me any smarter. I wish I’d got out years ago when DD didn’t know any better.

sohardtochooseausername that makes me feel better as I have just been feeling like the world's biggest mug.

Schnitzel he posted on dadsnet on here back in July. With a lot of minimised or edited details to try and sway opinion. But actually i think he did it for me to see to add to the smoke and mirrors illusion he was trying to create. I haven't linked to it as I don't want him to get a notification if someone uses his name and end up here but I did take the liberty of updating his thread with the actual truth a few weeks ago

*OP
*
"I am pushing through with the divorce but as I told the counsellor yesterday, I is because I know I have to and not because I want to. I am still hoping to wake up from this ridiculous nightmare but I know that isn't going to happen."

I have suffered a similar betrayal recently (found out in June) and that is exactly how I feel. There's this tiny hope that a simple easy explanation will come to light, which is of course impossible.

this tiny hope that a simple easy explanation will come to light, which is of course impossible Exactly. Hadn't really thought of it like that, more that I would wake up one day and it would all be a dream! The only other explanation I can come up with other than I inadvertently married a sociopath is a brain tumour. Of the kind Dr House would find and would explain all of the cheating and lying and illogical behaviour as being a symptom of the tumour and not an actual characteristic of the man I married

Of the kind Dr House would find and would explain all of the cheating and lying and illogical behaviour as being a symptom of the tumour and not an actual characteristic of the man I married

Careful what you wish for! My stbx is using his poor health to make excuses for his bad choices and it’s not making it any easier for me to forgive him. It makes it more perplexing as he seemed too ill to be capable of having any extra energy for an affair.

So I got the house valued today. Not necessarily thinking of selling but needed valuation for financial split, although I have been feeling overwhelmed for the last year as it is big and old and a load of work. He doesn't understand this as it was never him that did any of said work.

Anyway, valuation came in towards the low end of what I thought. And he said that Carney had said rates might skyrocket and house prices could fall by 35% if Brexit goes badly. Which has rather shaken my idea of a good settlement. I have been living under a rock for the last few weeks so hadn't seen the news. So. If I buy him out of the house and then it loses a third of its value and he is sitting pretty with his cash and pension then there is no justice in the world. But given I seem to have the polar opposite of karma and he has the luck of the devil then maybe that is exactly how it will go.

As it stands, I wouldn't be putting everything into the house and foregoing everything else like pensions, which you should still be entitled to some.

To me, your house sounds like a white elephant and could leave you worse off.

Seek legal advice about what you are entitled to and what you should be expecting.

Unfortunately the house is our biggest asset so for me to get it I would have to give him the cash and his pension. I have included his pension in the calculation though- I'm an accountant so I always held the pursestrings.

His response to my email with the valuation was " that's disappointing, off they say how you could increase the value before march ?" (Which is when he said he would expect it to sell). This seemed a bit of a weird thing to say given that he knows I'm not actually intending to sell at all and why would I want to increase its value when I'm not selling just giving him cash?!?! the only person that would benefit from a higher valuation would be him! And had he actually read what I said I was worried it could lose a third of its value!! Maybe I should keep it as a joint asset until post Brexit. Maybe his luck of the devil will outweigh my terrible karma!

I’m sorry if you have answered this upthread , but have you had his pension valued ? Are you sure it’s worth less than the house ?

@0rlaith yes I have checked his pensions. Only worth about a third of the house. Although I initially brushed them off as countering each other out because when I became a few years ago I remember mine was worth the same as his. But then I told him to up his contributions as it was for both our retirements after that and even got him to make massive overpayments to avoid a tax blackspot. So three years on it is worth three or four times as much. Obviously I wouldn't have encouraged him putting our family money into his pension had I not believed we were solid as a rock and growing old together!

I just need advice really.

For the last 2 years I've been accusing my husband of cheating. I've not found any solid evidence but it's just a gut feeling I've had. Well when I first started accusing him I didn't. Anyways I've done all the regular stuff, gone through bank accounts, checked his phone, his phone bills and nothing came up. Apart from this one number which I didn't recognise. He fobbed it off at the time and said it was a guy who he works with, still I didn't fully accept that, so I saved the number in my phone. Things settled down and I suppose we were happy, but I still had this little nagging voice in the back of my head. I just didn't trust him. I then find out out he's been watching a lot of porn which completely devastated me as I thought we had a good sex life. To cut a long story short, the number I saved in my phone, turns out it's a girl, he swears blind he doesn't know her or has never spoken to her. By this point I was already 7 months pregnant. I've found her on Instagram and her page is open, I literally go on her page on a daily basis now. She clearly lives in the same town as us and she goes to the same places as us. She's also got a baby, that you can see belongs to my husband. I'm too frightened to contact her and ask whether she knows my husband or not, but I'm driving myself insane with it. We argue nearly all the time over her and this baby. I've just recently had my child and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified that this girl is going to knock on my door one day and say the child is his. What further complicates the matter is that this is my second marriage. I've got 2 kids by my current husband and one kid by my ex husband. We come from a culture where this would bring great shame on our family if this were to come out. Especially if I left him as this would be my second failed marriage and it would be unlikely anyone from our culture would date me let alone marry me again. I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. No one in my family or friends knows about this and I just feel like I'm waiting for a knock on the door and to be humiliated. Everyone thinks we're a happy family and it couldn't be further from thr truth, I cry myself to sleep most nights. Do I just take my husband's word for it and drop the issue or should I actually contact the girl and just for my own piece of mind ask her outright.

@LosingTheplotMumOf3

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's best to start your own thread to get support.

I'll reply on there.

Losingtheplot

Definitely start your own thread otherwise it will be lost on mine.
Sounds terrible though and I completely get the losing your mind checking up on them feeling.

Personally I would contact the girl (although she might lie) or follow him. But I feel terrible that either should be necessary although my owb experience makes me assume the worst! Hope it turns out to be a misunderstanding

Sorry to bang on about this, but I just wanted to check that you’ve actually had them valued, and not just looked at the amount of money in the pot. It’s not the same thing, though you probably know this.

Sorry if it’s my misunderstanding . I don't really know much about it, I’m only repeating the advice I was given by my IFA last week. My STBX has been putting money into various pensions and life policies all over the place and opened up various bank accounts so I’ve been trying to track them all down.

He said that most people over estimate the value of the house and underestimate the pension . And it’s often women who lose out because they want to keep the house for stability for the kids, same school, friends etc . And sometimes women agree to sell the house when the youngest is 18 with not the faintest idea of how they will house themselves and two kids of 18 and 20 in a 1-2 bed flat. Because not many kids leave home permanently on their 18th birthday .

Hope that makes sense.

@0rlaith, very valid point. I haven't actually had them valued although I was intending to further down the line. As far as I know though, it is the cash equivalent transfer value that matters and that is more or less the fund value as all of his are defined contribution pots, so I have been using the fund values as a baseline. I, on the other hand, have a defined benefit inflation linked public sector pension that it took me forever to track down a valuation for. Three years ago his and mine were roughly equal. But now, his is worth significantly more than mine simply because I made him contribute so much to it after I became a sahm and because he earns so bloody much