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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

337 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 26/07/2017 20:29

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with meSad

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 01/08/2017 20:27

Yea! Your luck is definitely changing.

HopefulHamster · 01/08/2017 20:41

Congrats!

MrsMozart · 01/08/2017 21:08

Excellent! Congratulations Flowers

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/08/2017 21:11

May have spoken too soon. This really is the weirdest day ever. The water has been cut off where we live and had to queue with the kids for an hour to get some bottled water after the taps stopped working!

Luckily we got some eventually and had a late bedtime with baby wipes in lieu of bath time. And I am now drinking bubbly instead! Wine

OP posts:
altiara · 01/08/2017 21:15

OP you are amazing! But your day is sounding ridiculous, thank god for bubbly.
Stay strong and congratulations on your job offer Star Wine

lollipop7 · 01/08/2017 21:16

That is wonderful news. I've finished an awful relationship and left with my two young children and a baby on the way. Ive a mountain to climb but reading stories like yours gives me hope and reassurance. You've done so well to deal with all of this and to get a job on top of it all so quickly is inspirational. All the best and hope the new job is a fresh chapter for you and your children. Onwards and upwards

BingoFlamingos · 01/08/2017 21:20

So pleased about the job.
Wank about the water though. Sorry.

ajandjjmum · 01/08/2017 21:36

Fantastic news about the job - well done you! You sound like one impressive woman.

NotMyPenguin · 01/08/2017 21:58

Well done on the job offer! You are obviously still employable (despite what sounds like a terrible series of events leading up to the actual interview) and you have more options in life now :-)

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/08/2017 22:02

Shared responsibility for childcare if you're working, remember. He's fucked his partnership along with the OW.

gingergenius · 01/08/2017 22:06

Hurrah for fizz!!!!

HopefulHamster · 01/08/2017 23:08

If you are in my waterless town today (one of two close together), apparently it has just come back on!

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/08/2017 23:29

Shared responsibility for childcare if you're working, remember. He's fucked his partnership along with the OW.

I have been very clear about this. Regardless of what happens our deal of me doing 110%of the childcare in return for him doing 110% of the wohp is completely defunct. He will be doing his share of drop offs and pick ups. Funnily enough this is suddenly possible when he hasn't been able to do a single one for the last five yearsHmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 01/08/2017 23:30

hopefulhamster probably. It just has! Thank goodness

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/08/2017 12:04

Oh no I thought I was doing so well and have just had a complete breakdown in the kitchen and my five year old had to come and tell me to remember to breathe because I was hyperventilating.Sad

OP posts:
Groovee · 03/08/2017 12:08

Flowers hugs x

Walkingtowork · 03/08/2017 12:23

Flowers It's to be expected I'm afraid. I've found it's two steps forwards, one step back. But the overall trajectory will be upwards x

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/08/2017 12:36

I hope so Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/08/2017 13:00

I'm just so furious with him for putting us in this position. Three weeks ago everything was perfect, even if he didn't think so. Now he has ruined it for everyone. I have to go back to work and am panicking about the logistics and arrangements. Yes, I will make him do his part but it is still going to take a lot of juggling as 3yo DD is too small to go to breakfast club and after school club. And I may have hated being stuck as a sahm but I was doing it for their benefit while they were small so that they could go to ballet and swimming and not be passed from pillar to post. Which is exactly what is now going to have to happen. And I don't now have the luxury of looking for a part time child friendly role once dd2 was at school proper. I feel like I am being forced into rushing into arrangements that are rubbish for me and the children all because having a sahp is a luxury only afforded to those in stable trusting relationships and he couldn't keep up his side of the bargain.

I don't know if I'm more furious or upset but I can't stop crying because of the effect this is going to have on the children's lives

OP posts:
gingergenius · 03/08/2017 13:40

It's not impossible OP. Take a breath. It seems very overwhelming right now. Try not to think of everything all at once. Just the next 60 seconds. Then the 60 seconds after that and on until you come out the other side. It WILL get more bearable, I promise x

Walkingtowork · 03/08/2017 14:21

I absolutely hear you Bedraggled. I alternate between furious, sad, scared, and downright outraged that dh thinks he can do this to us.

I've poured it all out to good friends, and they're keeping me afloat! SO do reach out for help as much as you can.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 03/08/2017 14:38

Have dragged myself to the park with the kids (against doctors orders as I am supposed to be on the couch for a month with my broken foot elevated but that seems unfair to the kids) they are having fun and will hopefully be less stir crazy later and I am doing my best to pretend to be engaged in hide and seek.

Fresh air is helping a bit but I still just feel hopeless

OP posts:
Walkingtowork · 03/08/2017 14:39

Another thing that's really helped me, since I've lost my 'rock', is writing in a (lockable) journal every day. It's like having an ongoing conversation with myself - things make more sense written down, and it sort of centres me and makes me realise that my plans, emotions etc are all important.

Walkingtowork · 03/08/2017 14:39

There's always hope Flowers

spunkymom22 · 03/08/2017 14:45

Bedraggled, I remember those early days. You are not alone! At times the world seemed so dark... But a counsellor got me looking for positives, and you've just listed a few here. Try writing down the positive things that happen every day. We all tend to focus on the issues, of course; those are the things we have to focus on! But writing down the positives helps you to look for the good, too, and the good does exist. Actively looking for it will help you to feel better as you go along. You have a new job! Fabulous! You had bubbly on hand at the most appropriate time ever. Your five year old knew to tell you to breathe.... Keep on! Flowers