Just devastated by DHs betrayal. Need a hand hold

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Ten whole days have passed since my whole world disintegrated and I think it would be therapeutic to get it all out. I really need support though so please don't kick me when I am down. I know I have been naive and feel stupid enough already.

Ten days ago we went to the zoo. We had a lovely day with our kids. Took them to pizza express afterwards and was generally a really lovely family day. In the evening we watched a film but he didn't sit next to me as he said he was buying motorbike stuff online. All was fine until he had a few too many drinks and was snarly about our friends we were going on holiday with. Before bed I posted on mumsnet about that particular issue and was mildly amused to see all the responses saying he was clearly having an affair with her. When I got up that morning he was distracted with the kids and I picked up his phone to see what had been going on with holiday friend. Not seeing any justification for his venom towards friend I was about to give it back when it occurred to me that there was no thread with a girl he usually messaged.
Not really knowing how to work an iPhone I happened to swipe up and ended up in archived chats where Her name was front and centre with messages the day before. When I opened it and saw that he had been sending her photos of my children the day before while at the zoo as a family and in the evening watching a film with me

Once he realised I was onto something he chased me around the garden, tried to physically tackle me to get his phone back and only when our three year old came into the room did I escape with his phone and drove to a friends house wearing nothing but a nightie to get a chance to properly look at what I had glimpsed.

And what I confirmed was everyone's worse fears. I later realised the messages only went back three weeks but in that time he had messaged her 5000 times. He had sent her

Does she know the truth now? If you haven't spoken to her he's presumably still lying through his teeth while she laps it up. Though she's not your concern anyway of course. Sorry you've had such a hard time, at least you have some resolution and can start to move forward.

There's an awful lot of information there, but I hope you finally see him for what he is. How many times has he now let you down and clearly lies and cheats and you let him back in? There's no point bothering with the mirrored Ipads or phones, he'll always be lying and cheating, he's proved it.

Your broken foot isn't no big deal. He physically hurt you to try to cover up his sordid other life.

On the issue of your parents, I really don't see why you are so annoyed. So they decided not to move miles away? It's a big decision and would involve them giving up their lives where they are permanently if they sold their house and move.
You always have the option of moving up to them if you need the support. You can't hold it against them for worrying about upending their lives, and they were kind of right, you have got back with him.
It's their lives too, to be annoyed because they didn't tell you until nothing could be done about it, well they had decided, so there was nothing to do about it anyway, even if you knew before it was settled, it's their decision.

Wow! What a tale!

You’re ex is a complete, total, utter, absolute fucking cuntish disgrace of an excuse for a human being.

I am so sorry, there is no way you could get past this pile of crap ,

I am so so sorry you've been through all this. What an awful time he's put you through.

People like this are such a mindfuck to deal with because you expect them to act like other people would and they just don't. You try and draw conclusions about what they feel from what they say to you, when really all that's ever going on in their head is "which words and gestures do I have to use so this person will give me what I want."

He might look like he's walking away unscathed now but he'll never have decent, fulfilling, loving relationships with other people he doesn't see as objects. You will. His life will be shallow and all about him; you'll get a full and rich life, and one day you'll look back on this hell and think "I'm tough enough to survive all that, I'm bloody invincible."

Does she know the truth now? If you haven't spoken to her he's presumably still lying through his teeth while she laps it up

She know s the truth now. Or at least enough of it to know he was definitely deceiving and betraying her too. I refused to give her my what's app logs that she demanded because at the time I was still angry with her and thought she was behaving like a bunny boiler over a fling and had no right to ask(before I got the full picture!) But I did provide a list of dates and screenshot a couple of particularly pertinent loving and committed messages for him to show her. She also demanded to read the two days of messages since I found out, which will have been full of me ranting about everything he had done from my side. She seems to have been doing a matching exercise and sent screenshots of him saying how blissfully happy he was with her (on my wedding anniversary no less ) except she is angry because he went out to dinner with me that night and lied about it.

When he met with her I told him to just tell her the truth(as if he was capable of doing so!) But also to be a bit cautious given she was intending to sue him or get him thrown out of the company depending on how bad a bastard she thought he was (you will probably say I shouldnt care if she did either but we were still married so it wouldn't have been good for me financially in terms of joint assets or future maintenance) so I dont think he told her he had had the vasectomy. I think that would really have made her want revenge as it was bad enough that he had lied to her about wanting to have kids at all.

It's never easy when you love someone with a personality disorder. One day they are charming and fun and considerate and the next they lie and suit themselves as if your feelings don't matter at all. I don't know if that's the case here but it sounds like it could be.

In which case possibly both you and OW have that in common, loving a guy with a personality disorder. I do think you still love the "good" side of your mate. Has he ever seen a professional psychologist? See if there's an underlying cause for all the chaos?

You seem like a very reasonable person yourself who is caught up in a relationship that is not working for you the way a healthy relationship should. Dealing with a loved one's personality disorder brings a lot of drama into your life. Is that what you want? It sounds exhausting from your description.

You did the best you could with the info you had at the time. You've been so brave. And now you truly have your closure. Well done

He has to live in his miserable little life for the rest of his existence. You are meant for something better.

Hmmm. Maybe I misread what OP was saying, foxotterhare. If she has moved on and gotten closure, that's great and I'm very glad for her. She certainly deserves a quality life with a partner who appreciates her.

Wow...what a rollercoaster you've been on.

I could feel sorry for the OW...but I don't. She started off in an affair and it's her own fault she's wasted 2 years of her life.

Your STBXH is something else though. What a big liar. Stringing you both along.

What does his mum think of all this now. Her son has been lying all this time and she probably thought you were unforgiving. Shame on him.

As for you.... you're better off without him. Get as much as you can from the settlement to assist with the stress he's put you through.

You need that money for counselling from his gaslighting.

If she doesn't know about the vasectomy I bet she'll have him back. He'll find a way to make it everything else your doing. She's got a lot of sunk costs.

You have really done all you could and gone the extra marathon not just a mile to give him time to earn your trust and he has repeatedly lied and lived a double life.

Head high. At least now there is only ahead to concentrate on. Continue being brave. You are an awesome role model for your DC. Tenacity. Determination. Compassion.

OP - cut your losses and please, try to move on. You have been hurt enough by this man surely?

If it makes you feel any better I took my husband back twice after his lies about the OW. It sounds so similar to your story...his lies were pathological as well. There is no going back this time and I have filed for divorce. My advice would be is not to yearn for the man that he once was that man is gone. I have completely cut off all unnecessary contact with my husband and that makes things easier. I text him to arrange contact with children. I feel a massive relief that he is gone from my life. Yes it is hard and it is not the life that I envisaged for me and my children. However I realised if anyone was treating my children the way their father was treating me I'd want them out of the relationship. I hope you don't go back this time and this is the start of a new beginning for you. Big hugs. Xx

One day they are charming and fun and considerate and the next they lie and suit themselves as if your feelings don't matter at all. I don't know if that's the case here but it sounds like it could be.

Definite possibility. Thanks is why I have been struggling so much to actually push through the divorce – 90% of the time he seems like his old, loving and considerate self, then 10% of the time, usually when he has been drinking, he turns into this cold, calm and calculating, or snarly nasty sneering monster that I don’t recognise. In fact I realised the other day that it is reminiscent of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho!! But I never saw that character before 2017, so I assumed it was a persona he had built up to deal with he stress and guilt of having an affair. I would happily never see that man again, but yes I do think I still love the good side of him. Although it is a shock to realise that even the seemingly good side was actually so duplicitous as to be loving and considerate to someone else at the same time. On the same days, using the same words, as if flicking a switch. I still can't quite believe it. I think I'm going back through the grief stages again.

I have told him he needs proper psychological help. In fact, last week I was supposed to go to our marriage counselling session alone, but then I decided he would need it more than me, since I was pretty sure his current remorseful navel gazing pityfest would only last a fortnight after which it would be too late. Even then I ended up going too, but said from the start that I was there to try and get him some help but the session wasn’t for me, i only went along to make sure he didn’t lie and minimise and actually told the counsellor the truth so that she had the full picture so she could refer him to an appropriate person. So I sat in silence only interjecting when he was skipping over something crucial. Turns out the counsellor is a well Qualified psychologist herself and she did say she could work with him or refer him to someone else. So hopefully he will actually do that, but it’s none of my business anymore, I did the best I could in making sure he had actually explained the full extent of it, so that he didn’t waste time going to therapy and lying and minimising –like he has been up to now-- . But you can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make him drink.

This week I am using our counselling slot for myself. I think it will help that she does know what he has done/ how he is as he has been lying to her face too. Last time I had counselling I found it difficult that the counsellor didn’t actually know my H and was just forming an opinion based on what I said. I am on the waiting list for NHS individual counselling as I got re referred back in July!

To be clear I am pushing through the divorce now-- decree nisi expected in a fortnight. But I am still so bereft about the man I thought he was and struggle to believe it is all true after I finally let him back in emotionally. Even after it all I have to believe that his despicable behaviour was only in the last few years and that the man I thought I knew really existed before that because otherwise my entire adult life has been a lie. The thought of which makes me sob in a heap on the floor

Stop going to marriage counselling with him. You really need to stop all contact except about your children now. He's an awful human being, there's no counselling that can cure him, he's going because it's a show for you. He thinks that's what you want him to do, so to get in with you, he's going. He doesn't want to go.
Just leave him be now.

Also, part of me wants him to come under fire from his workplace. It's men like him that ruin women's careers and lives. She may be held back now as he is her MENTOR and is sleeping with her and manipulating her and placating her (and you did too) after the thought of him coming under fire for his behaviour.
He deserves to be fired as he's abused his position of power, and god knows if he does this with every woman that he has to mentor at work. He had an emotional affair with another woman in the workplace.

To me he comes across as a workplace predator. The women are in a vulnerable position working with him.

We aren't going to marriage counselling together any more- we have a number of sessions paid for by work so agreed to take it in turns. I will be going alone this week. I was very clear that I only went along last year as an act of generosity and compassion for the man I used to love to ensure he could actually tell the truth and get the help he needs. I sat there in silence with my eyes shut.

I'm going myself on Friday. I'm really hoping it will help now she is in the know, so I can talk about my feelings rather than a catalogue of his actions ( which would take all year)

Last week

I was very clear that I only went along last year as an act of generosity and compassion for the man I used to love to ensure he could actually tell the truth and get the help he needs. I sat there in silence with my eyes shut.

This is what I was talking about. Just don't go. You sitting there with him shows a commitment to him from your side.

That man doesn't exist. And it's obvious he can't tell the truth, you already knew that before last week. You couldn't even get into a therapists office because he kept rebooting his apps and passwords to keep his lies going.
There's no point. You just need to let him be with his lying ways, he'll always lie, there's no cure for it. Just accept he's always going to be lying to you, so there's no point seeing if he'll tell you the truth, and when he does, it's no better because the truth is he's a cheat who has abused his position of power on those he has responsibility for at work.

Go alone for therapy, but tell her it's over (if it really is).

OP I've read your whole thread and he has behaved appallingly throughout, but the thing I found most shocking was that he broke your toes trying to keep his cover. Even if it was an 'accident', it just shows such utter disregard for you as an actual person and your physical well-being, rather than you as representing his cushy/safe life. I do think that's sociopathic. No one deserves that, and I'm sorry the foot is still giving you trouble

I hope you're on the path to healing, in all ways.

I have no advice for you, only to say that I TOTALLY get it. I understand how you feel when you are doing all of this and how you feel the way you do. I can't explain it for you; I can't help you; I can't advise you. But I want you to know that I feel it. It's illogical - but you already know that. I really hope that you manage to get some peace this time.

Hugs xx

What Sweetness said. I couldn't put it better.

You love the good but you can't live with the bad.
And you know now you can't save the good in him from his lies and cheating ways.

Once upon a time you felt bedazzled and now you feel bedraggled . That's going to change. From what you have written here I think you are on the road to healing. You're seeing things for what they are, as painful as that is. This guy sapped the life out of you but getting away from him is going to allow you to breathe again and live fully again, better than ever.

Your entire life wasn’t a lie. You had a relationship with his “90%” and it is his intolerable 10% that is now fully revealed. It’s maybe only in the fullness of time that this aspect of him has been revealed even to himself. I’m no way making excuses for his despicable behaviour, I just mean he probably seasoned into a being massive lying knob and didn’t know he was capable of such behaviour until he started doing it. He can never undo it, it’s beyond the pale and the man you know; the “90%” has been forever overshadowed.
A man who is 10% rotten apple is still a man rotten to the core. Don’t waste any more your time on him. Pity him but don’t feel sorry for him. Good luck OP you are so incredibly strong.

Thank you sweetness and paws. It is good to know someone gets it as I feel like I'm losing my mind!