Horrible Horrible Man

[chestylarue52]

I’m on a website for finding adult friends for casual sex

I’m single.

Messaged by a man, sends me a photo of himself, very smart as in going to a wedding or the races, arm round a woman is clearly cropped out in the picture but you can see the edge of her dress, hat, arm etc

Him: this is me

Me: is that your ex or current gf/wife in the photo?

Him: oh lol thought I’d cropped her out that’s my wife
Him: is that a problem

Me: do you have a open relationship or are you cheating on her

Him: no I don’t fancy her any more and I miss the intimacy

Me: ok that’s really not for me. Please don’t message me again

Him: that’s a shame you’re really hot
Him: let me know I fyou change your mind hon

Me: I won’t. Don’t message me again.

I just feel so enraged by this exchange. Like just FUCK OFF. He sent me other photos I feel like trying to hunt him down and tell her. ‘Thought I’d cropped her out’. Makes me feel sick.

parttime you're not the only person on this thread who's been cheated on. I dare say many of us have had marriages destroyed by similar behaviour. I've been on the receiving end of behaviour like this.

But that does not give you the right to launch disgusting attacks on people who you don't know from Adam purely because they don't subscribe to a view of sexual relations that's about 50 years out of date.

I also think if you see sex as something to bartered in return for things like commitment/marriage then you're always going to be at high risk of being let down by shit behaviour from men.

OP I applaud your honesty but I think it's going to be hard to find a decent man on these sites TBH

Alas, I will also tend to agree with user on this. So so SO much dross out there.

chesty,

You come across as someone with low self esteem issues. Have you considered therapy? Also, it is clear to me that you are very naive and it worries me that you may get yourself in a situation that you are unable to handle. As other have said, what on earth did you expect? Anyway, I wish you well.

Ahem, can we ask posters to stop it with the PAs, please? The OP has come here looking for support, and that's what this thread is for. We'll remove anything with is a personal attack or beyond the pale.

Why on earth did it bug you SO much? Was it language he used? Or that the woman reminded you of a friend of yours? I'd have a good hard look at the trigger here - because if you are on a casual sex site, this reaction is out of proportion to the thing you are complaining of.

By ' this reaction' what do you mean? Starting a thread? Or being angry? Because you know people start threads here about people looking at them weird in Asda or eating crisps too loud. It's a discussion forum. I didn't go out and machine gun down a load of people or hunt this man down or anything.

Thank you Clara, I am shocked at people's nasty comments on this thread especially considering that OP is not condoning sleeping with married men.

I did say I wanted to 'hunt him down' but have you never been part of a conversation where someone says 'ooo I wanted to slap her' or 'oh I could have kissed him'?

Parttime I'm sorry you're hurting. I assure you it wasn't me that slept with your husband. I hope you find some peace.

I'm not really sure how I come across as having low self esteem. I get self esteem from my job, my friendships, my interests, my achievements, from many areas of my life. I don't think not wanting a boyfriend or husband means I have low self esteem.

I've never been in a situation I can't handle I am very, very careful. More careful than most women who go out on the pull on a Friday in town. Thank you though for your concern. I'm fine.

OP I applaud your honesty but I think it's going to be hard to find a decent man on these sites TBH.
Even if it is just for sex you have stated you want a guy that is respectful which I would to, if I was looking for the same set up.
Sadly the men on these types of sites will generally have a low opinion of the women on them as even in these supposed enlightened times there are still double standards when it comes to casual sex.
How about a normal dating site and just put your not looking for anything serious which is dating code for FWB.
Even on a site like POF you will find better.

Did you rtft? Did you miss the part where I repeatedly said this method has worked well for me in the past? And I've met decent, single, compatible men and we've enjoyed each other's company?

I think that being able to have casual sex generally means you have good self esteem- I have low self esteem so I couldn't do it but I'm envious of those who can!

Being single, it's normal to want sex at times!

SO this is a typical week for me. Work Mon to Thurs in the office, work from home on Friday. Pub quiz on a Wednesday with friends, go and see my mum Monday nights, usually go out for dinner with friends at the weekend, spend time with my nieces, nephews, go away for the weekend on my own or with friends. I DJ regularly, I play in a band, I garden. I run, I cook. I live in a flat that own, on my own, with my 2 cats.

Around once a fortnight I’ll meet up with whoever I’m ‘seeing’ at their place and have two or three hours in bed. In between maybe we’ll drink wine and chat and have a laugh and mainly talk about sex.

I don’t sleep with men who are married, I don’t sleep with more than one person at a time, I use contraception, I take massive precautions the first time I’m alone and naked with someone.

What about this requires therapy, exactly?

I sourced my fair share of happy, consensual casual sex offline. I still had the same risks (in fact more) through the sourcing available to me at the time. I managed not to end up with any married or attached men, to my knowledge. It was a similar nope from me in that way. I'd have less ability to tell in real life in the early days. Seeking casual sex does not mean you want to sleep with people who are cheating on their partner.

Absolutely zero OP. You have your shit together.

You are a strong and empowered woman.

Good for fucking you!

Renarde Amen to that. Have been genuinely shocked by some of the reactions on this thread. People presuming you have low self-esteem because you don't want a boyfriend. FFS.

People need to learn to separate two things. Having sex with a man you have feelings for in the hope that he will come around to you and want a relationship can be a sign of low self-esteem. Having sex with someone purely for the fun of it without any expectation that it will develop into anything more is a sign of strength.

If you can't handle it you shouldn't do it. But you clearly can. And most of the people on here carping about how you don't value yourself are probably just intimidated because they have spent their lives using the promise of sex to entrap men into relationships. And need to get over themselves.

Kudos, op.

I am on a dating site or three. Occasionally I have lovely, friendly, fulfilling sex. It is nice to feel good and enjoy it with a like-minded person. I am pretty discerning and set my bar high. Married men get short shrift from me (block) as do guys I feel inappropriately young or old, or whose politics I don't like, manners, attitudes, dress sense, looks, etc. In fact, I weed out so many 'nos' that there are very few 'maybes' left, and only a couple of times have I met a 'wow' and totally went for it

there are creeps everywhere, and online is no exception.

Enjoy finding your satisfaction with someone or someones respectful and fun.

I had a very similar experience but instead of asking the gentleman about the obviously cropped picture I did an image search on it. The search revealed several wedding photos, he was the groom, couldn't believe how low that was

Welcome to my world . I get a lot of offers like this from men around my age. I stick to the younger ones (mid 30s) who do at least appear to be single.

S xx

I'm a professional woman, I own my own home, I have good friends and a loving family. I don't want a boyfriend or husband but I would like to have regular sex with someone I find attractive. It's worked for me in the past. I find if I join dating websites I have men looking for a partner and I don't want that, I don't want dates and weekends away and moving in together and meeting parents. I don't think that means I don't value myself.

I am you, OP, in every way. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Hope you find what you're looking for. S x

And there are those of us who think that marriage is a prison

Oh yes: a life sentence without the crime ....

chestylarue52 Thu 27-Jul-17 18:31:35

Why on earth did it bug you SO much? Was it language he used? Or that the woman reminded you of a friend of yours? I'd have a good hard look at the trigger here - because if you are on a casual sex site, this reaction is out of proportion to the thing you are complaining of.

By ' this reaction' what do you mean? Starting a thread? Or being angry?

Being angry but not just "angry" - SO angry that you are talking about your blood boiling. I would have thought this was blindingly obvious

from the part where I said:

I am at an absolute loss to understand why this man and his photo triggered you so much to "make your blood boil"

and:

this reaction is out of proportion to the thing you are complaining of.

My point was it seems a completely disproportionate level of anger given (a) this kind of thing goes on on normal dating sites and (b) you were on a dating site for casual sex hook ups - which is obviously bound to be worse.

It makes no sense to me to be THAT angry and I was wondering why that was.

this reaction is out of proportion to the thing you are complaining of.

OK, if you think so. Its ok to get angry about different things, we don't all have to agree. His behaviour might be fine to you. To me it makes me cross.

It makes me angry on behalf of women who are married to wankers like this who want to have their cake and eat it, who want to have a wife and probably kids but not be faithful to their families or honest to themselves, and who want their colleagues and families to think of them as 'good blokes' and who don't even have the decency to pretend to be decent, and who think its hilarious. LOL yes that's my wife LOL don't fancy her. heres a photo of my dick. LOL. That makes me angry and your blasé 'calm down dear' attitude is baffling to me. It does happen yes and 'this sort of thing does go on' but just because something 'goes on' doesn't mean you can't have a flash of anger about it.

I'm not shocked or triggered, or outraged. It just makes me angry. Fuck him, what a shitbag. I'm not staying awake worrying about him and you know my blood isn't literally boiling, its an expression. Why do you care what I get angry about?

Yes. The misogyny on this thread is outstanding. Let's recap.

1 - OP posts that she is angry at blatant disrespect to wife. Reasonably expects most of MN to agree with her (I do, it's fucking shocking)
2 - A significant proportion of MN turn around and rather than support the OP in her highlighting of the blatant misogyny against the wife, they round on her instead and attempt to slut shame. Thus not only tacitly condoning the man's attitude, it somehow OP's fault in the first lace for being on these 'disgusting' sites
3 -Normal, well adjusted MN'ers come on thread and bring an element of common sense to the proceedings

Have I missed owt?

I agree with you op.
At least you sussed him out.

Renarde - you missed the bit where a poster blamed me for her marriage breakdown, and the bit where I'm mentally unstable, and the assessments of said disgusting sites even tho pp admit to never having been on or used them 👍

Damn! I did. :-)

I am also thinking you might have caused Black Monday in 1987 and sank the Titanic.

Just ascertaining now your kitten torture status :-)

The misogyny on this thread is so disappointing. Do some women really still see sex as something they give men, and that it shouldn't be given "for free" or that means you have low self esteem? You must have really crappy sex lives if you subscribe to that outdated, male imposed view. Men have policed women's sexuality for years, and the handmaidens rush to reinforce it. Jesus Christ, just think about what you're saying before you spout your daily mail views.

OP I totally get why you were angry, I used to be on a regular dating site and would get married men trying it on all the time, as well as men older than my father who would then call me shallow when I said I wasn't interested . The fact is, a certain type of man has a sense of entitlement and thinks his dick is the most important thing in the world. You have the sense not to end up with someone like that, even if it is just for a bit of fun, so good luck to you! Oh and thanks for the amazing diagram