Can buying my own space work for now

[Lesley65]

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

I am so grateful for the support (and the little bit of banter that we have created )😊

Tonight isn't good.....I came home from work to a foul mood and "what does it matter you're leaving" scenario.

My best friend is frustrated because she expected me to leave (bags packed, au revoir and all that) but the truth is I'm not that strong to make this momentous decision to buy and move in....(and tell him it's over.)
I want to take it one step at a time.. .For me I'm making huge steps.
Sometimes being honest with your best friend then back peddling because you're handling it as best as you can isn't easy (She puts up with him because he's an ok guy and im with him, but can't stand his reluctance to move on with life and me. There have been occasions when she has wanted to punch him 😉 she thinks he brings me down)
Now I've gone ahead and started my purchase she's quite incredulous that I'm talking about (let's see how it goes when I've moved )
The reality is talking about and doing it are somewhat different.

I am still so happy and proud I've actually made the decision to buy it...Im just trying to make it ok for my partner too.

Baby steps is right for you.

Who knows what will happen with your relationship- he may prefer to carry on with it whilst living apart then end it. You just don't know. People don't like change, your taking control and he feels threatened.

He may sulk and you think "can't be bothered with someone acting like a man child your dumped"

The only person whose happiness you are responsible for is your own, not his. He needs to grow up and accept the consequences of his decisions/lack of action...

NotMyPenguin has put it perfectly - you're not leaving HIM, you just need a say in where you live. He's the one making this a sweeping statement about your relationship. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to salvage the relationship, because if you stay it will surely grind you down to the point where you resent him too much. By getting some breathing space and hitting the reset button you can move forwards in a way that works for you BOTH not just for him.

I can't stay....My mind is made up.
The only way for us to "survive" is for me to do what's right...
You're right ...Im choosing where I live when he has let me down by expecting me to fit in with his life now he's changed his mind about ours.
We're on holiday now and so far it's normal.. .however we need to have the conversation before long as he needs to understand that I have made my decision and the purchase is going through as we speak.
We are both old enough to make choices for ourselves now and we must respect that.

Things like holidays don't need to change.

Making this huge decision has been such a hard thing for me to do, but it makes me happy and I know it's right.

it makes me happy and I know it's right.

Sounds pretty convincing, OP. All the best.

I think it's really good that you're going on holiday as normal and having a good time (hopefully you still are). As you say, it reaffirms that you're not leaving the relationship.

It is just so nice to hear that the house purchase is making you feel happy and certain that it is right. That tells you everything you need to know!

Who knows, perhaps having a little shake up like this will revitalise your relationship and make him reassess his level of commitment to it. It's also not a crazy idea to continue living apart but having a strong long-term relationship. Some couples find this really works well for them. Since he wasn't able to compromise (seemingly at all!) on life style or location, maybe you will be one of the couples who are just happier living separately but still being a couple!

Hi Everyone.

I thought I'd update you on how it all went.
It took 6 months for the sale to go through and I finally moved in 4 weeks ago today.

Up until then we remained living together although my partner had started to cut all emotional and physical ties with me after we returned from our fantastic (yes really) holiday in August.
At no point during the last 5 months have I done anything but try to show him and convince him that we are worth the effort and we can work this new situation together.
As I told you all months ago, this apt is 12 minutes door to door between the 2 properties.
However my partner won't even try..
We have several animated discussions in which he tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and his son. He tells me my love and thoughfullness are above any other woman he's met...his relationship with his son is far stronger because of me and also said that he was actually strangely proud of me for going ahead with it all.

However as far as he is concerned, I have left him and broken the family and the time is still not right for him to move yet...he still needs to make sure his almost 19 year old son (who attends college/works part time and drives his own car) is settled...My partner is still prepared to buy a bigger house for us but only around the corner from where he currently lives and ideally on the road he was born on.

So that's it really. I've not seen him for 25 days and I'm emotionally drained.
I did every single aspect of the purchase and furnishings myself and took nothing from his house bar 7 ornaments and 1 picture. He offered me nothing for all the furniture I left there so his home is still full of my furniture.
I'm completely utterly drained of all energy today,it all seems to have hit me physically and emotionally.
I've been on leave for 5 days, as last Wed was his birthday and I'd booked a 4 day break to Italy (I booked it last June for his birthday present) He refused to go on the trip and I hung on trying to persuade him but finally cancelled it 2 days before.
Ive I still had to take the leave otherwise I'll loose it.
I have no idea why today is the the days it's all hit me..I'm not sleeping well but actually feel ill today...I feel as if typing this is a huge effort...
How can a 59 year old man have this mentality?

If you're sitting on a sum of money, you run the risk of either it being frittered away (particularly if you have a partner who is of the 'let's just go on holiday' persuasion), and the capital not increasing as fast as the cost of properties (interest rates being low and the housing market could suddenly take off where you are). Get the money into something solid which will (hopefully) increase in value.

You can always reassess at any time, and sell the property, should your partner decide that the time is right to move.

Whoops, hadn't read the full thread! But I answered because I have a man EXACTLY like this - I've inherited enough money to buy a house, we were going to buy together, now the house he lives in (too small for us both, we don't live together at present) is 'perfect'.

I'm buying alone for the reasons I outlined above. And if he doesn't like it, tough. May I wish you all joy in your new home, and the strength to give this bloke the push! Set in his ways hardly covers it!

Glad you have moved out,but why on earth have you left YOUR furniture there? You are making the same financial mistake your OP outlined when you divorced. Get it back or sell it!

Remain no contact with your now ex. It will help you move on.

I remember your situation and thread, and I just want to say "well done" for leaving and getting on with your own life!

I have no idea why he is behaving in such an odd and unsupportive way, although - thinking about it - my stbxh would have been similar. With him it was all about control. Everything had to be done as he wanted, or he just couldn't (wouldn't) cope.

Don't underestimate the huge amount of emotional stress this situation (and man) have put you through; this has probably just hit you. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of all you've achieved.

He told you clearly who he was through his words and actions - he didn’t marry his previous partner when she wanted to, didn’t make many changes to accommodate you in his and his DS’s home, and “future faked” to get you to move in.

He was then, by the sounds of it, unpleasant to you for months when you, sensibly, decided to protect your financial security and seek a nicer place to live.

Your friend had the measure of him IMO.

And I agree with Dozer - get your furniture back!

I agree with Dozer get back your furniture and stuff for goodness sake - it's yours!!

I guess underneath it all he's a misogynistic arse???

It's what he wants that matters, you've betrayed him by not toeing the line...

Please do go and get your furniture even if it's just to sell or donate

Well done & congrats on the move Lesley. There’s give & take in any relationship but it sounds that you’re the one doing all the giving.

Get your furniture back, enjoy your lovely apartment and cut him out of your life.

Bless you OP, this must have been so very very hard for you, not many women would have been so brave.

I’m not sure whether this ‘relationship’ is worth saving, he’s clearly incredibly selfish. If he wasn’t going to change his mind when you told him you were moving, then I’m afraid you’re not as important as he makes out.

Well done OP for doing what you’ve done, no mean feat

Yes brave and you have done the right thing. His reaction since you left confirms that. He still will not budge.

Nothing else to add except obviously take everything from the house that is yours. You gave up everything after your divorce, don’t do the same thing again. You made the right decision in safeguarding your own future.

I’m sure this goes without saying but I REALLY hope you have stopped any financial contribution to the other household now you are no longer part of it.

I’ve just read through the whole thread. Well done for taking such a big (and necessary - as his behaviour has shown) step.

I agree with PP - the furniture is yours, you should go and get it or offer him it for a fair price.

I know that you didn’t want the relationship to end but I really think you made the right decision to buy and I think you’ll be a lot better off in the long run. He wasn’t offering you any kind of future and wasn’t thinking about you or your happiness at all. You’d have got to your own retirement and found you had bugger all security, nothing invested and would absolutely have been out on your ear if he’d have died before you.

I think it’s incredibly unfair, but not that surprising, that he’s painting you as the bad guy. I hope you can move on, mentally, soon.

I'm glad you are out in your own lovely apartment.

I would now get a solicitor to write to him giving notice that you will be removing all your furniture from his property on X date (say a month) Or he can buy it from you for £xxxx. Do not let him take your property because it is easier then to take it. Even you are just going to sell it, it will help to cover the cost of the new furniture you have had to buy.

Congratulations on your new home and future. I think that you have done the right thing. He had the chance to share a life with you, but he didn't want to compromise. Go back to the dance class and do more things that you enjoy.

Congratulations on getting on with your own life.

I can understand that it 'hits' you out of the blue sometimes, just when your think you might be getting used to it. Be kind to yourself, do something good that you enjoy, however simple. All the best.