Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
missmollyhadadolly · 14/08/2017 11:16

I think it's better if he doesn't move in, at least for a period of time.

If he does, make sure you are financially protected!

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2017 11:36

He's sounds like a self centred, draining pain in the arse.
Earlier on, are you saying he cheated on you and gave you an STD???

It's exciting times for you.
You can move on with your life.
Do enjoy the holiday and I hope you get your apt completed and sorted out soon.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 14/08/2017 12:39

Oh my goodness no....Absolutely not.

I did mention issues with his 18 year old son.. he was the one who contracted an STD...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesley65 · 15/08/2017 10:34

Survey being done tmrw....so excited.. .
(Should have been last week but agent had to cancel)

OP posts:
rizlett · 15/08/2017 10:43

Go Lesley!

Will you need to buy new furnishings for your new apartment?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2017 11:25

Well I'm very glad I read that all wrong.
Makes perfect sense now I re-read it!

Wow - things are moving on.
That's really good for you.
A new chapter in your life is about to begin.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 15/08/2017 13:34

I still feel so bad about hurting him but I'm 53 years of age and have been fitting in with everyone else.
I wanted to move on with my partner for the last couple of years (certainly since I sold my own home) but since he moved the goalposts I have realised I want to do it for me.

I'm not taking responsibility for hurting him as I see no reason why we can't work through this together...If he isn't able to see beyond that then that's his problem.

I can't remember the last time I felt this excited....My very own home....all mine...😊

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/08/2017 13:39

Dear Lesley I so remember the exquisite pleasure of having my own front door. It was a very small house but it was all mine. Behind that door, what i said was what happened, or people could just leave.

I wish the same for you.

[small-ish house, on moving in day the removal people said at one point, the house is full, where shall we put everything else? I had to show them how to stack boxes on top of each other, three deep. Sigh]

FinallyHere · 15/08/2017 13:40

p.s. Bear in mind, that the person hurting him, is indeed him. Its really not you, is it?

maras2 · 15/08/2017 14:05

What a journey for you.
I get that you're feeling sorry for the fact that he can't come to terms with the situation.You're obviously a very kind and thoughtful woman.BUT.Do not feel so bad that you feel you must still make a financial contribution to him,his son and his house.
He's benefitted from your (over)generosity for long enough.
Best of luck anyway.Flowers Wine

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2017 23:28

"I still feel so bad about hurting him"
You are NOT hurting him. He is hurting himself.

Having your own place will be lovely. Like FinallyHere I remember the joy of a place that was mine, all mine. A very contented feeling.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 16/08/2017 17:20

Sounds wonderful Lesley! I'm a little bit envious Smile. Like others have said, I wouldn't be in a rush to move him in. This is YOUR home and you should savour it and try to get your relationship back onto a more equal footing before sharing everything with us again. He can come and stay with you and you can stay at his if you choose to, but then you can wave him off and have your own space again. Idyllic!

NotMyPenguin · 17/08/2017 12:32

I am so excited for you! It is such a wonderful feeling and you will be able to enjoy decorating and choosing how you want your space to look and feel. It sounds like a really nice place too.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 17/08/2017 17:27

I feel sick every he says I'm leaving him/the family etc but then I sit and remember why I'm doing it and the happiness that jumps inside of me reminds me I'm 53 years old and for the first time ever, Im taking control of my life.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/08/2017 18:41

Good for you!

FinallyHere · 17/08/2017 19:19

Absolutely, Lesley good on you. Enjoy!

NotMyPenguin · 18/08/2017 09:01

Work on some phrases that better sum up the real situation, and just keep repeating them back to him: "I'm not leaving you, we are still a couple, but I need some say in where I live too", "You can always move in with me" (only if you want him to!!!), "The door is open for us to buy a house together in future, when you are ready to discuss it let me know."

I think your feeling of happiness tells you everything you really need to know though!

butterfly56 · 18/08/2017 10:13

Definitely buy a place for yourself. He is devastated because he has lost control of the situation. He will not/ cannot change and has repeatedly told you how it is with regards to all he wants...your needs don't even figure into his equation.
I was in a similar situation and got my own place and my word it was a massive relief and the best thing I ever did.
Lesley please put yourself and buy that place you will not regret itFlowers

butterfly56 · 18/08/2017 10:20

p.s. Lesley... Don't be ground down by his emotional blackmail. Paying a huge amount of money to live with a selfish, self absorbed man child.
He's only gutted you've sussed him out for what he really is!
You will live to regret it dearly if you do not make this move.
I hope you do what is right for you and get some peace in your life at last! You deserve to be really happy and not walking on eggshells all the time. Flowers

Popchyk · 18/08/2017 10:26

Well done, Lesley. You've done it his way on his terms for 3 years, he's now moved the goalposts, so you are putting yourself first for once. Good on you.

Your new place sounds lovely.

butterfly56 · 18/08/2017 10:28

paps Sorry Lesley I don't know what happened there I missed a couple of pages of your posts about actually buying your own place.

So pleased for you that you for putting yourself first and how happy it is making you feel.
Don't get Sky Sports though cos you'll never get shut of him!!..lolFlowers

Bibidy · 18/08/2017 10:35

Lesley65 I'd talk to your partner and explain your reasons for wanting to move, not least that it's what you'd always agreed.

Tell him you only sold your place and moved into his on the understanding that you would both own something together when his son hit 16, and now he's going back on that, which not only affects your happiness, but also your financial security.

Explain that it's not that you want to live separately from him, but that you don't feel secure living in a house owned only by him and which will be in his ex's hands should anything happen to him.

Could you compromise on the location of a jointly-owned place so he's still relatively nearby his son and clubs? Doesn't need to be in the same town, but a driveable distance?

If he says no to all of it, I'd go ahead and buy the place.x

StaplesCorner · 18/08/2017 11:08

Bibidy have you read the thread? The OP has been doing nothing else but trying to reason with her partner for a long time without success, and as such she's already bought the flat.

Bibidy · 18/08/2017 11:15

staplescorner I think there was some kind of problem with it, there were only 2 pages when I read and now there are 7!!

Glad for you OP, enjoy your new place x

StaplesCorner · 18/08/2017 11:39

Ha! I think someone else said that had happened to them too - a sort of automated drip feed!