Can buying my own space work for now

[Lesley65]

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

So he is upping the manipulation tactics to make you back down. Utterly predictable for an utterly selfish bully. Do not fall for it op, its good in a way as you now know how unreasonable he is when things dont go his way.
Leave him asap and let him stand on his own two feet - for once. Selfish, selfish manchild

And if he loved you, he would be happy for you having financial security.

But he's not happy, because he likes your money- and he likes you being compliant.

What does that tell you about this 'man'? Because this is not what love looks like.

He's a man child. And extremely selfish too. Ignore the manipulation. He effectively broke up the original family by refusing to commit, and he has done the same again.

But you haven't hurt him OP. He's claiming you have so that he can manipulate you back into your box. Hence the whole drama about him not having kids.

I can really understand why his parents found him draining, he has a lot of emotional problems.

You sound lovely OP, you really deserve so much better than this.

He's a man child. And extremely selfish too. Ignore the manipulation. He effectively broke up the original family by refusing to commit, and he has done the same again.

Agreed. It's the same pattern.

Be prepared for something dramatic, a huge gesture or action. Don't let whatever it is sway you, as it'll be false and designed to undo your plans in some way or to latch onto those plans. He's losing control and is likely to try to regain it.

So much of your post op is about him - what he feels, what happened to him and how you feel so sad for him.

But he is completely responsible for how he feels and where he is. Just as you are completely responsible for how you feel and where you're going - whether that is staying living with him in what sounds like it might be a dysfunctional relationship or putting yourself first and moving out. There is still a possibility your relationship might improve if you do move out - once he has got over his tantrum of things not being his way.

I'm not sure I understand his orphan comment - unless it's to make you feel bad and therefore get you to change your behaviour - most of us end up with both parents dying first - that's normal.

It's good that you are thinking all this through and i you have time perhaps read the book 'why does he do that' to gain more understanding of the truth of this situation. It will all begin to make more sense. Most importantly though - you are allowed to make the best decision for you.

He has never matured emotionally.
You have
You cannot make him into the person you want or need at this point in your life.
Can you find somewhere else to stay until flat completes?
Go away for a weekend?
Just generally take yourself out of the situation?
Nothing more draining than a sulking man child.

I know that unfortunately.
He doesn't understand that the emotional aspect of a relationship is huge.
We've never had that really.
He thinks that because he cooks tea and cleans up after I've whirlwinded around the house.. that's all it takes....He says he "looks after me"
He has completely forgotton the times over the last 6 years that I have in front of him and sobbed asking him to make me feel like a woman...

This is why it's killing me to do what I'm doing. He won't cope with it.

"He told me this morning that perhaps he's unfit to be a partner and shouldn't have brought his son in to the world...All very dramatic and very upsetting for me. "
Well, yes - he is unfit to be a partner. The rest was made-up shite designed to make you feel bad, and it did. There's no sincerity in him, it's just an exercise in pushing your buttons to make you do as he wants.

"After an abusive marriage I learned to keep things in my head not speak them out loud. Now I have finally managed to speak out loud but I'm hurting someone in the process and it's a killer to do that."
YOU ARE NOT HURTING HIM. You are pissing him off because now he's going to actually have to do something to reinstate his income flow (from you), so currently he's trying to gaslight you into backing down. For him, this is the path of least effort - regaining control of established supply is less effort than having to go out and find a new supply. That might reduce his time to spend on his sports! Stay strong!

All those coping strategies from your abusive marriage are being used against you. He knows you - knows how to push your buttons, make you feel bad. Please remember that. This man is happy to make you feel bad, just because it suits him better. He is scum.

Stay strong Lesley. You need to get away from him.

Really good posts.

I totally agree that you're not hurting him - you're annoying him for daring to question the box he's put you in. He's angry he's not hurt, he's just saying that to manipulate you. He can see you're a kind person and he knows how to make you feel bad for him.

And he's a narcissist. Where, in all these pages has he expressed concern for how you feel - about being treated the way you have, about being forced to get a place for yourself? It's all about him and his needs.

His principle emotional relationship was with his parents. He never grew out of that pattern and that dependency thus retained a child to parent relationship with them to the end. He expects relationships to be on that model. It's all about consideration for the child's (his) needs none for yours.

You're too good for all this OP. You're clearly a very kind person.

Irrespective of his selfishness this can only be a good thing.

People we know have been together 30 years only he was 20 years younger than her. They lived in her house for years with her two children. When the kids had grown they reviewed the situation. He had helped maintain her house for many years, diy, repairs etc and contributed financially but had no security, her house would go to her children. So he bought a house near his friends and sister 15 miles away. They still socialised together, stayed at each other's houses several times a week, loved each other dearly, holidays, spent Christmas together etc Sadly she passed away recently after a long illness and the house will be sold. He has his own security, friends close by, family and a good relationship with the adult children.

If you are not in it 100% financially together then get out of it financially yourself.

In my head I want our situation to be exactly the way you just told it HotelEuphoria, but he says I'm just being ridiculous.. Once the apt is bought then everything we have is over...He says I'm leaving him and need to admit it... That's honestly not how I saw it...I thought as adults we could work this situation together.
I honestly thought it would do us good as well as (most importantly) giving me financial security....
He sees our relationship as being in a far better place than where it really was...but the only other long term relationship he has had (his son's Mum) ended (as I said in earlier post) when she had an affair and left him, so that isn't a great comparison.
He has never picked up on my emotional needs because he is needy himself. He's just said I'm his best friend and he gets anxious when I'm not home...
He's also just told me that I should have got more involved in his life,his activities...ie:joining the social life at the cricket club,Its a massive part of his life..The problem is when you meet later in life the chances are you've both got a life already going on....by that I mean friends/hobbies....its not easy to just slot in the way he expects.. .not least of all because I work full time in retail management and that includes weekend.. Last year I joined an evening dance class and thought it would be fun to go togethee but he wouldnt even try it so eventually I stopped going.
Anyway I digress....
So here I am on my birthday,writing this,sobbing away because because he has just said he cannot get his head around it.
I'm leaving him...I need to admit it...
We are supposed to be going away for the night but he doesn't want to go as he can't pretend to be a couple.
What a horrible mess I'm making.

I read Euphoria's post and thought that's what your situation would be if your DP really loved you, was emotionally mature and well-adjusted, could see any POV but his own, and wanted what was best for you.

Some friends of my parents live in separate houses, for both it's their second ltr after long marriages ended. They met later in life and are both aware that each other already have jobs, families, interests - but they still have a great relationship.

He's just being a child about this. The neediness is suffocating. I can understand why his parents were relieved you came along. Needy people can consider other peoples needs too if they're empathetic. But he's used to focusing entirely on himself.

The relationship has to be all on his own terms or it's over. And his proposed solution that he believed would have made this situation work is not for any compromising or effort on his part at all, but for you to have made further effort to be more involved in his life! He doesn't actually understand how relationships work!

You need to be honest with yourself OP: you are not leaving him, he is choosing to end this relationship over your need for some financial security. And he's manipulating you into feeling it's your fault.

Please can you stop saying that you are making a mess. To me it feels like past patterns of abuse. He's brainwashed you to his narcissistic POV and you're repeating his words and believing them.

This is all entirely his mess.

If he had considered you in his will and hadn't fleeced you for the past couple of years, maybe you wouldn't have got to this point.

Stand firm and inform him every time he says you are ending it. Say no you have changed the goalposts I have subbed your choices for 6/8 years on the understanding we would buy together in the country. You have ended it by admitting that was never the truth and you expect me to live my life around yours without compromise forever.

"What a horrible mess I'm making."
No. What a horrible mess HE is making. Him, not you. It could have gone the way HotelEuphoria's couple went, but no, that doesn't suit him - it's his way or nothing. ('Nothing' is better. Way better.)

"He sees our relationship as being in a far better place than where it really was"
That's because he doesn't see 'our relationship' at all. He sees only that which facilitates his chosen lifestyle. So he sees you giving him money, etc. He sees things flowing from you to him. He does not see anything flowing from him to you. Because there is nothing flowing from him to you except expectation - expectations that you will fund him, serve him, dedicate your whole being to him.

"He has never picked up on my emotional needs because he is needy himself. He's just said I'm his best friend and he gets anxious when I'm not home..."
He has no interest in your emotional needs . Sorry, but I do believe this to be true. As for wanting you to be at home with him all the time - well, we can't have you being influenced by anyone else, can we? Having your head filled with the pesky notion that you're a person too? It's just more button-pushing, I'm afraid.

"He's also just told me that I should have got more involved in his life,his activities...ie:joining the social life at the cricket club,Its a massive part of his life."
Did he ever seek to get more involved in your life? Or does his chosen lifestyle trump yours every time?

Last year I joined an evening dance class and thought it would be fun to "go togethee but he wouldnt even try it so eventually I stopped going."
Ah, that answers that question then .

"So here I am on my birthday,writing this,sobbing away because because he has just said he cannot get his head around it."
"I'm leaving him...I need to admit it..."
Of course he can get his head around it. What he means is that he wants you to come to heel and be the good little skivvy subsidising his choices.

"We are supposed to be going away for the night but he doesn't want to go as he can't pretend to be a couple."
Well he's been pretending that you're a couple for your entire relationship, has he not? A couple are on an equal footing. In this relationship, there is no equality. He demands, you supply. That is not how couples work. The give and take flows both ways. But you give, he takes - always. This is just him punishing you, pushing your buttons to make you feel bad.

Lets face it - the relationship is dead. He has killed it, with this behaviour. He's making it totally clear that your financial security, your needs, your wants, your choices - mean nothing to him. He is the only thing that matters to him.

Moving to your new apartmetn can't come soon enough.
((hugs))

You have a great future ahead of you. You have new life chapters opening up. How has he been with your daughter? Did she live in his house? Does he see her as part of "the family" that you are breaking up? Does she see the four of you as a close family unit? Has he been supportive of her? Does she socialise and spend time with him? Has she drifted away from all of this?

In the next decade you could we be a grandmother - can you imagine doing that in his sports kit cramped hoarded house - he would not partner with you in that. He wold be difficult and uncooperative - he would suck the joy out of it for you. You should build a great relationship with your daughter - and look forward to the joys of having grand children over to stay in your gorgeous apartment.

I also think that you should see a solicitor to reclaim some of the investment you have put in to his home over the years.

I would also suggest that you take legal advice and look to review the settlement you made in the past with you ex - as you were shafted then because it was abusive.

Aw Lesley, I'm so sorry you're upset. It's hard when you make a stand and try to have your needs met only to be met with resistance. That's not to say it was wrong, or that you have messed anything up. You've just found out that he is not willing to compromise. It's his way or the highway.

As Riding said The relationship has to be all on his own terms or it's over. And his proposed solution that he believed would have made this situation work is not for any compromising or effort on his part at all, but for you to have made further effort to be more involved in his life! He doesn't actually understand how relationships work!

I feel partly guilty for encouraging you to break away and get your own place. We all knew it was the right thing for you but the net result is that you are feeling sad and alone as he can't handle it. It's easy to say from the outside what needed to happen, but I understand that for you it has its downsides too. Despite his shortcomings, he obviously isn't able to conduct a partnership of equals, but I'm sure he also has his good points or you wouldn't be with him.

If he really loves you then he'll get over the initial hurt and try his best to make things work in a new way. If he can't deal with that, then the convenience of having you on-tap may well have been stronger than his affection for you. Sad to realise, but important none the less.

I have talked and talked it through with him but it's impossible to make it any easier.
As far as he's concerned I've broken the family....which is a tough statement to have thrown at you...but I haven't done that.
His son has both a mum and a dad and he also knows that I am there if he ever needs me..His son has never seen me as a step mum...we have always just been friends, he hasn't needed me in a step mum capacity. He is very close to his own Mum.
My partner is desperate for the perfect family unit which I understand but I have not broken up the family. I'm just having to do something because he leaves me no option.
My own daughter is behind me 200%....she has little time for him as she hates that he won't move on and wants it his way...
So on I go...
It's very quiet here and strained as you can imagine. If it does get worse then I'll move out until the apt completes.

I like the sound of your daughter.

Do you counter the 'you have broken up the family' line every time he says it? And say no, the situation is entirely of his own creating?

He's treated you badly and yet he's got you running round after him feeling sorry for him. Where is his concern for you?

He may come round with time. In a way I hope not as you sound way too good for him and I think you might be happier with someone else - or even just without him. It's interesting that your daughter has little time for him.

He wants a perfect family unit where he doesn't have to do anything other than what he wants when he wants like something out of the 50's - he's seriously deluded and sexist!!!

Well done Lesley for realising that you haven't broken the family. I wonder if his feelings are more about unresolved feelings from when his other relationship broke down and he's flinging all that at your feet.

Maybe the time to talk about it is finished - for now.

Would he consider a 'ceasefire' and just get on with getting on - and put any thoughts about your move aside until you actually get there?

Otherwise he's just going to make your time together totally miserable.

Perhaps he needs more reassurance that you don't want your relationship to end. Plenty of people have really good relationships but live apart.

I'm not sure though that there is anything you can say that will make him feel better so maybe just focus on doing things that make you feel better. Keep reminding yourself that if he is feeling miserable he is choosing to feel miserable.

My initial reaction was "buy the apartment". Now I've read more I say "but the bloody apartment. You'd be a fool not to"

He's not desperate for a partner and family life. He's desperate for a 1950s housewife/ sexual partner / therapist who pays more than half the bills.

'You have made the decisions to break up this family' 'why do you think your opinion is the only one that matters in this relationship?' 'Your actions prioritise you and your son far above me, they don't prioritise me at all. You are breaking up this relationship'. 'I can't live with your broken promises anymore, I've compromised for a long time and you won't compromise at all' 'you didn't come to dancing once so you understand perfectly how I feel about cricket. Or am I not supposed to have feelings of my own?' Etc etc repeat repeat! You are doing the right thing by the way :)