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Original poster

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 28/07/2017 08:49

Every time he's gives the guilt trip about 'breaking up the family unit' you must repeat to him that it his choices that have driven you to this. He is ultimately responsible for the current situation.

Have you broached the overpayments? How did he think that was going to pan out? If you try and take advantage of people, they will go off you. It's a lesson he needs to learn.

RandomMess · 28/07/2017 09:03

The current family set up is all about him and his DS.

I mean you are as a companion/lover and to share domestic chores oh and pay a hefty price for the privilege. Him and DSS loaf around gaming as much as possible!

You need to remind him that god 6 years he has agreed the plan would be x and now he is the one breaking up the family unit by renegading on the plan.

You aren't splitting up with him merely making new plans now that a joint purchase in the country is off the cards.

BewareOfDragons · 29/07/2017 16:08

I think you're doing the right thing, buying a property of your own. I would also move into the new property. He has made it clear that he comes first, second and only ... your security is an afterthought.

I can't believe you are paying more than half of his outgoings to live in 'his' house! Stop that at once and move into your own place!

He doesn't want to 'get it', as he is the one who is benefiting from your current arrangement entirely.

NotMyPenguin · 29/07/2017 16:22

You can always invite him to come and live with you and pay YOU rent! 😀

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 29/07/2017 16:29

God, he is a future faker, who is only looking out for himself. He doesnt seem interested at all in your future, your security or your wishes in a joint life. It's not really any of my business, but surely no relationship with someone like this is better than a relationship all on their terms.

RidingWindhorses · 29/07/2017 16:52

Good thinking penguin Gin

smurfette1818 · 29/07/2017 19:06

With respect OP, and I mean this kindly - you seem to have a history of naive choices with regard to money and men - it doesn't matter how much your ex threatened, legally you were entitled to your fair share of the marital pot. In this case you seem to making further mistakes.

agreed with RidingWindhorses you need to take a step back and look at him for what he is. Don't let emotions cloud your judgement. Do you think he is worthy of you? is he a good person? then make a decision accordingly.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 30/07/2017 18:49

I've gone ahead and agreed on the apartment.
I just knew I had to do it.
I have no idea what will happen now...He fluctuates from " You're breaking up the family/our relationship" to "I understand and I'll support you and I admit I've been selfish"
I already feel better having made the decision.... (albeit scared)...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2017 20:20

Well done! I appreciate how conflicted you must feel, but you have done the right thing. He has been incredibly selfish and must accept the consequences.

user1492287253 · 30/07/2017 22:54

brilliant

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 30/07/2017 23:21

Fantastic op!! How exciting! Glad you are putting yourself first for a change but be prepared for his increasing guilt trips. Be under no illusions at all that he has benefitted enormously from you paying the majority of the bills and he will not want that to end.

I could never forgive him taking advantage of someone he is supposed to 'love' like this. Flowers

paddlenorapaddle · 31/07/2017 09:58

Well done time for a fresh start

RidingWindhorses · 31/07/2017 11:26

Congrats!

Original poster
Lesley65 · 01/08/2017 08:46

Thankyou so much everyone for your invaluable input and support. Xx

OP posts:
Tofutti · 01/08/2017 10:57

So happy for you OP. Please do keep us updated, and especially when you get the keys to your new place 😀

NotMyPenguin · 02/08/2017 12:22

Well done you! So pleased for you.

I really hope everything works out for the best for you, and I think that by making this move you've given yourself the best possible chance of that :-)

AdoraBell · 02/08/2017 13:22

Well done, hope everything works out well for you.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 03/08/2017 09:00

I was so wrong though to think he would understand.
Things are getting worse at home now...he doesn't want to do anything with me. He days there's no point as I've broken up the family and don't want to be with him..
He agrees with me buying something to establish financial security again but can't understand why I want to live there...
I'm drained and upset...

OP posts:
rizlett · 03/08/2017 09:57

That doesn't sound much like love op.

He sounds angry because you are changing the status quo.

But all you are doing is making a choice that's good for you.

Someone who loves you wouldn't make you feel guilty about that.

StayAChild · 03/08/2017 10:24

This could well be the kick up the backside he needs OP. If you've had to resort to this to establish financial security for yourself, things weren't as rosy as he seems to think. He was more than happy to continue with you feeling insecure, so long as he had all he needed.

Well done on taking the step. Does the apartment have a bedroom for his son to use? I totally agree with NotMyPenguin. Invite him to live with you and charge him the same as he's been charging you.

NotMyPenguin · 03/08/2017 10:31

Seriously, can this man not bring himself to understand or empathise with any perspective other than his own?!

You have been paying lots of rent to him, which undoubtedly makes his life easier, while not having a say in how your home is run and 'feels'. He's been unwilling to move to a new joint home that you could both have a say in.

It's just so unbelievably selfish.

Would you consider asking if he would want to move in to the new flat with you? (And presumably make a small contribution...) That would mean he could no longer say that you are 'breaking up the family' or 'don't want to be with' him. And if he doesn't want to move in to 'your' flat, why would he expect you to be happy living in his forever?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2017 11:17

He is punishing you in attempt to get you back under the thumb and subsidising his self-centred lifestyle.

You have not broken up the family - he has, with his selfishness. And his behaviour ensures it will stay broken, which shows where his priorities lie. Do NOT be browbeaten into kowtowing to his shite.

RidingWindhorses · 03/08/2017 12:30

It transpires that the cottage in the country line was just stringing you along. He had no intention of ever living anywhere but his town near his sport and mates. He never intended to combine assets. He has only ever lived on his terms and he cannot compromise. It's good to know this now.

I think he may also be punishing you for taking away your payments.

Thing is when you've been with an abusive man anything less seems great. It turns out this man is very very selfish and even after all this time doesn't consider you as family.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 03/08/2017 18:31

I think (RidingWindhorses) that there is a lot of truth in your last statement about being with an abusive man..
However my partner isn't a strong man (hence his reluctance to move away from his friends/sports/home town)
He has only ever lived here and lives 5 mins walk from where he was born (visited his parents every single day and told them all his problems etc) his parents were lovely people who adored me and they confided that they moved him more than anything but found him "draining "
He lost both parents 18mths apart and now says he's an orphan and has no one to talk to anymore.
He said he was going to "talk" to them about this situation.
He relies on me much more than I realised, yet still wants it all on his terms.
It's so sad that in his late 50's he hasn't yet realised that he has to compromise in relationships.
He told me this morning that perhaps he's unfit to be a partner and shouldn't have brought his son in to the world...All very dramatic and very upsetting for me.
His son's mother had an affair for 1half years before she left him...he still acts the innocent party yet I know she wanted marriage and he didn't and I also know he played just as much sport then as he does now even when their son was born.
I have to create my own independence otherwise I've no one to blame but me now.
Problem is my lack of confidence when it comes to saying what I feel.
After an abusive marriage I learned to keep things in my head not speak them out loud. Now I have finally managed to speak out loud but I'm hurting someone in the process and it's a killer to do that.

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 03/08/2017 19:04

Re saying what you feel -- I understand. But if you don't learn to speak them aloud, the person you hurt in the process is yourself.