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Original poster

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
antimatter · 22/07/2017 19:46

of course that he wants you to stay!
you pay your way, help with the chores and are his companion

when you move out he will have to work much harder and be worst off

Original poster
Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 19:53

Actually I'm rubbish at the chores....
He is brilliant that way...Smile but he's now semi retired and works from home so it falls with him....I could never criticise that.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2017 20:07

You need long term security. I would buy the flat.

GlitterSparkles17 · 22/07/2017 22:39

Buy the flat. Dont waste your money making his house a home when you will get nothing from it anyway. Make your own home.

lifeinthecountry · 22/07/2017 23:13

Yes, please buy that little flat OP and ensure you have some security and your own space. I think once you do, things will look different and you can make clearer decisions about your relationship. (And honestly, the way he's behaved so far, I'd ensure you keep your own place even if your relationship does continue into the future.)

As things stand you have absolutely no security and of course if anything happens to him you will lose your home. He's being extremely unfair to you.

indigox · 22/07/2017 23:17

There's absolutely no way I would be risking my financial security and buying a house with this man, who is only interested in living as a couple on his terms and doesn't think enough of you to include you in his will. Buy the apartment you found, you won't regret it.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/07/2017 23:28

It's unfair of him to make you feel guilty about this, he's had plenty of time to make it happen and he hasn't done. If he's going to say you can't move into your own place and continue in a relationship with him, he's putting an unfair restriction on you.

It's been good enough for you to live separately up until now, continuing that on your own terms is absolutely your right.

Forget all the sports and hobby stuff etc, having a bit of your own space is important. In a step situation it's very difficult to carve out that time and space for yourself ..and time for you and your partner .. so this will mean you have to consciously choose to spend time together, which will keep your relationship positive.

I used to wish I could be in a regular relationship, living with DP etc, but over time I've started to appreciate the benefits of living apart.

If you feel like this apartment is perfect for you and that you will resent him if you don't take it, then don't be swayed, he needs to listen to your needs and understand what you are trying to achieve here.

SteppingOnToes · 22/07/2017 23:42

I'm doing the same - long term there is no security and you need that. Living apart is going to cost me slightly more but I will have my own space, rather than half a wardrobe. I pay more than a lodger would and I don't even have my own room...

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/07/2017 00:10

I pay a huge amount to him every month to live there and he won't make a provision in his will for me should anything happen to him.

Fuck that! Buy that place and stop paying him.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 23/07/2017 01:11

buy your own place OP!

The freedom to come and go as you please, do as you please, decorate as you please....and knowing you have a safe sanctuary from the rest of the world is absolute heaven.

Protect your assets for your future. With his ex and then ds inheriting all his assets - who pays for your care should you need it?

10 minutes down the road is nothing - he's just being an arse.

At least you will have the veto should his ds (or future gf/dc) move in with him/rules etc.

Hopefully he'll appreciate you more.....and maybe further down the line you could re-visit living together.
If you do - make sure your future is secure!

Original poster
Lesley65 · 23/07/2017 07:48

Thankyou all so much.

The guilt and upset I've been through over the last few weeks has shattered me.
I just felt eaten up by it all.
To be my age and suddenly feel as if I'd lost all my security and had put myself in what was beginning to feel an unstable position financially was worrying me to death.
I just couldn't put my equity into a joint home in a place I don't want to live.
I'll have a mortgage for a long time now as I can't afford to buy outright,but I feel in control again.

Many Thanks.

OP posts:
Tofutti · 23/07/2017 09:05

Great to hear you're buying OP! Make sure you take your furniture/ furnishings with you. I'm sure they have sentimental value too.

And please stop payments to DP!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/07/2017 09:51

Good for you op, I totally get the fear about realising you have feathered someone elses next at very great cost to yourself. Take control of your own future, you sound amazing!Flowers

NotMyPenguin · 23/07/2017 17:31

Good for you and well done! Remember that although you may have a mortgage for a long time, you won't have to pay this huge amount of monthly rent to your DP -- and that ultimately the money you will be paying each month will be benefitting you, rather than just disappearing into the ether.

It's so important to look after yourself and put yourself in a decent position for your older age; you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 23/07/2017 20:47

It's hard as he doesn't see it from my point of view. Ive given it months of thought and no longer want to argue or get upset over it as I am prepared to respect his decision/feelings/reasons.. He won't move now, I know that...but just cannot see how unhappy he's making me..
If I don't do this our relationship will end anyway...

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 23/07/2017 20:58

I pay a huge amount to him every month to live there and he won't make a provision in his will for me should anything happen to him

How much are you paying him per month?

With respect OP, and I mean this kindly - you seem to have a history of naive choices with regard to money and men - it doesn't matter how much your ex threatened, legally you were entitled to your fair share of the marital pot. In this case you seem to making further mistakes.

Absolutely go for buying your own place, regardless of whether you stay with this man or not. It's very important that you have your own assets, and that you don't let another man get his hands on what is legally yours.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/07/2017 22:09

Op, at course he refuses to see your pount of view! This situation works very well for him!
I spent almost 2 years bereft with guilt before leaving my h and you know what? He went straight on the offensive then walked away, furious I had the nerve to call time on our crappy marriage. All that time I wasted because I didnt want to hurt him, so take my advice, lose any guilt and put yourself first - just leave. You dont need any man, they are naturally selfish and not worth your timeFlowers

NotMyPenguin · 24/07/2017 15:02

I'm really sorry, how tough for you. It doesn't speak well of him that he is unable to imagine things from your perspective, I have to say. It feels a bit uncaring and selfish actually.

You are 100% doing the right thing for your future and I think you know that. I hope your purchase goes smoothly and that it's everything you hope for.

AdoraBell · 24/07/2017 15:11

Buy the property. Get your independence back. If he is serious about the relationship then you being you and doing what you need to be happy will not end the relationship.

ZenNudist · 24/07/2017 15:13

Sounds like you have your head screwed on OP. Make the move for all the good reasons cited here. The only reasons not to are those fear-obligation-guilt ones.

On the plus side it might concentrate your DPs mind on what is actually important to him. If thats you he will plan for a future together, not just on his terms.

FWIW he sounds very selfish to your detriment.

Cleo22 · 24/07/2017 17:04

Buy your flat. He says the executor won't throw you out - how does he know? Can he see what is happening in the future?

If he is serious he needs to amend his will so that you have the right to live in the house after his death but in any event buy your flat and rent it out - on short term leases.

How does he calculate your monthly payment? What does it include - food/heating/????. Are you his lodger or his partner?

Good luck

Original poster
Lesley65 · 25/07/2017 07:20

I've asked him to amend it if only to put some sort of caveat in it to say I'm allowed to stay here for a set period of time and also that I can remove all my furniture should anything happen to him. I refuse to ask yet again as I believe it should have been done as soon as I moved my world in here and started to contribute financially, but after 14 mths he still hasnt got round to it.
He is a very anxious man and worries about life/finances in general despite being in a very comfortable position financially himself.
All this has stemmed from my need to put myself back in a financially secure situation...when I still owned my own home (albeit with a mortgage) things were different.. .
But with the position I feel he's put me in and now the turning of the tables what else can I do.
He's devastated yet he pushed me to it.
He's so very immature in what I consider to be the adult world. Taking on a new mortgage on my own at my age is the last thing anyone would want to do...yet here I am.

OP posts:
Tofutti · 25/07/2017 10:42

OP, as you won't be paying him so much money to live at his, perhaps you will be able to spend your money on overpaying on new mortgage?

I'm worried that he's going to try and prevent you taking your furniture!

RidingWindhorses · 25/07/2017 11:56

He is a very anxious man and worries about life/finances in general despite being in a very comfortable position financially himself

He doesn't worry about your finances though does he?

I would move forward with this flat asap. You need to be investing in your own mortgage rather than throwing money away on this man who has no interest in affording you any rights. In actual fact, your payments could be used to establish a legal interest in his property if you were so inclined.

NotMyPenguin · 25/07/2017 12:22

What RidingWindhorses said above: he may worry about his own finances, but the concern doesn't seem to extend to you.

Surely he should understand, or at least be able to try!

He really can't be surprised that you are looking to secure your own future too.