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Original poster

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
indigox · 25/07/2017 18:08

He's probably more concerned he's going to lose your financial contribution rather than losing you.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 25/07/2017 19:27

I don't know. He has such a hang up about money....even more so since he retired...
I've never asked him for anything so he has no reason to...He has never understood why I was so upset when I explained the reason for him putting a slight amendment in his will to ensure I wasn't thrown out in the clothes I stood in... (should, God forbid,anything happened to him)
I work full time,always have and always pay my way)

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 26/07/2017 00:36

It's sadly not uncommon to see men with this precise 'hangup' about money. Generally you see them a) making sure the woman in their life doesn't get any of their money - guarding it fiercely, and b) taking advantage of the woman's good heart and benefiting financially from the relationship - often in the form of contribution to the mortgage or 'rent' with no correlating rights.

You may see it as an idiosyncrasy of this particular guy, but it's actually fairly common. I've seen it many many times on here.

You have to wonder why he never married the mother of his child. It will have put her in a very vulnerable position legally and financially.

He may have been committed to protecting his money from her too, and wary of taking a financial hit if they ever split. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to marry you.

He's also very keen to protect his own 'man's world' from you and unwilling to make compromises required of an equal partnership.

He seems to want this relationship all on his own terms.

ijustwannadance · 26/07/2017 16:57

Sounds like his money is all his but he wants yours too.
How does he justify the high amount you give him a month?

Original poster
Lesley65 · 26/07/2017 18:41

He just classes it as my contribution to living here...but my contribution covers more than half of his mortgage,ctax and utilities..

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 26/07/2017 18:56

But you shouldn't be paying more than half. Why did you agree to that?

RidingWindhorses · 26/07/2017 19:05

You shouldn't have agreed to it OP, and you're right to get out now. He's taking advantage of you financially.

The law recognises that if you contribute to a mortgage and utilities you may be able to establishing an interest in the property - even if he doesn't.

RidingWindhorses · 26/07/2017 19:05

establish

Messelina · 26/07/2017 19:34

Get your own flat and get some independence from this man. A bit of distance will help you decide what to do about the relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2017 20:55

Buy the flat. Your relationship is dead in the water if you don't, and frankly, I think you're better off without him Sad.

RidingWindhorses Wed 26-Jul-17 00:36:11
"It's sadly not uncommon to see men with this precise 'hangup' about money. Generally you see them a) making sure the woman in their life doesn't get any of their money - guarding it fiercely, and b) taking advantage of the woman's good heart and benefiting financially from the relationship - often in the form of contribution to the mortgage or 'rent' with no correlating rights."

"You may see it as an idiosyncrasy of this particular guy, but it's actually fairly common. I've seen it many many times on here."

^^ This times a thousand.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 27/07/2017 08:47

I know it is WhereYouLeft.
I wish I could explain why it is I need to buy this place so much.
Initially I was looking for an investment( so I knew I was financially secure because of the reasons I posted earlier )...and trying to fit in with what he wanted to do, but when I walked into this apt it just felt so right for me...
It's an awful situation and it's hurting all concerned...I don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
user1492287253 · 27/07/2017 09:06

you do know what to do.
your whole instinct is to buy this flat.
do so. you are in a precarious spot know
he may love you
he may be used to you paying half his bills

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 27/07/2017 10:26

spot on user:

you do know what to do.
your whole instinct is to buy this flat.
do so.

RandomMess · 27/07/2017 10:42

He just isn't prepared to compromise is he!

Please buy your own place asap.

RidingWindhorses · 27/07/2017 11:15

Any hurt your partner is feeling is entirely self-inflicted.

I'd suggest if he doesn't want his partner to move out he a) stops fleecing her financially and b) learns that relationships involve compromise and consideration of other people.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2017 13:17

((hugs))

I agree, you do know what to do. But you are so used to putting his feelings first, it is a struggle. But do it you must.

Remember why you are doing this. You had plans, you thought they were shared, and now you find out they were just a line he spun you to keep you onboard and subsidising his self-absorbed lifestyle. I know I've put it rather brutally, but this is EXACTLY what he has done. He has made his priorities clear, and you come second fiddle to proximity to his sports clubs.

You need to prioritise yourself, because he surely never will.

SteppingOnToes · 27/07/2017 13:37

I've just signed for my place yesterday - my partner seemed upset but hasn't really said much. As much as I love him I need to protect my future - as it stands if anything ever happens to him, or we split up, I will have nothing - not even tenants' rights. I'm hoping that at some time in the future we buy something together so things are fair in terms of equity, but as it stands, I'd rather have bigger outgoings and the security than lose my security.

SteppingOnToes · 27/07/2017 13:37

OP - I don't feel sadness, only relief. I hope it is the same for you

Original poster
Lesley65 · 27/07/2017 13:58

SteppingOnToes
Will you live there or rent it out?

OP posts:
SteppingOnToes · 27/07/2017 20:52

Lesley - I'm going to be living there. I've always known that he 'gave' his half of his house to his ex so the kids wouldn't have to move but I've recently found out that she is still on the mortgage of his house and also still the beneficiary of his pension (even though they were never married). I need to stop feathering his exes nest and start protecting my own. If we decide to move in together again in the future it will be under my terms to ensure we both have security. I own far more than him and I refuse to invest in a life that I have no claim over.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 27/07/2017 22:06

Congratulations Stepping! Flowers

How are you feeling about it now Lesley?

AdoraBell · 27/07/2017 22:25

Well done OP , and given what you have discovered I suggest that if you ever move into another place with him, keep your flat.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 27/07/2017 22:33

Reading through all your support I know what I need to do.
He told me today I was breaking the family up and I broke my heart in the car but I know I need to gain control again as he is very comfortable financially where as I'm not now.
He says he agrees to me buying a place but doesn't understand why I'm moving in.!
I've been waiting for 2 years for us to move on with our lives....but I know it won't happen, so what can I do.
I have given up 6 years and don't want someone else dictating my life anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesley65 · 27/07/2017 23:08

SteppingOnToes
I take it yours is a very similar situation
How long have you been together?

OP posts:
SteppingOnToes · 28/07/2017 00:03

SteppingOnToes
I take it yours is a very similar situation
How long have you been together?

Similar but fortunately only 6 months into living together.

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