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Original poster

Can buying my own space work for now

199 replies

Lesley65 · 22/07/2017 11:53

Morning Everyone.

I'm 53 my partner 58.
I was married for 23 years separated 9 years ago when my daughter was 15, she is now 26 and happily settled in her own life.

My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18.

We have been together 6 years. For the first 3 years I kept my own home then moved in with my partner, initially renting mine out for 2 years, then 12 months ago I sold it to my tenants.

Prior to the sale of my home we had, as all couples do,talked of combining our assets to buy together...a "cottage in the country" was the deal at some point as far as I was concerned.
My partner has always insisted that I wait until his son was 16 before we made decisions on a move. I agreed. His son is now 18.
We live in a cramped house with little room for personal space and his son who used to stay twice a week now stays whenever he wants....which is still a minimum of 2 nights.
My partner plays sports alot as does his son/ house is full of sports bags/clothes/ TV always on a sports channel/talks about it constantly.. .

Over the last 12 mths I have brought up the subject of the two of us finally moving on with our future.. .i.e. the move to our joint owned home.
He has now turned the tables saying he will only move to a house here in the same town....(staying near his friends/sports clubs) and maintaining his son still needs him and if we move his son won't visit.(his son is at college and drives his own car,now has a part time job,lots of mates both make and female)...We have had several issues with him i.e. drugs,then unprotected sex resulting in an STD, £3k of damage to his car through stupid driving on an industrial estate at night..I have stood and supported my partner through this and despite my partner knowing I'm getting unhappier because of all the afore mentioned he still refuses to move on with our lives as discussed.

I could go on and on but I won't,I'll bring it to an end.. .The money from my marital home is my only asset. My ex husband was an abusive man and when we separated he threatened me with so much that I dropped my solicitor and took nothing- None of his pensions- No massive payout- he kept the business we had just set up which is now huge and he also kept a holiday home we borrowed against our mortgage for.
The only thing I have is the equity and my own pension. I was more than happy to combine this with my partner but now it's on his terms.
I have seen a small property 10 mins away and want to buy it. It's only a little apt but I fell in love with it. It will give me back both financal security and space away from this mans world my partner is so intent on keeping to.

My question is...Do you think this is a fair solution. If I don't buy it I will resent him...Am I dreaming if I think we can maintain a relationship this way?
I can't bear to hurt him by doing this as he wants me there 24/7, but I'm hurting so much myself. I feel lost in it all...

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/08/2017 02:51

Glad to read that you are thinking about securing your own future.

It's hardly fair to accuse you of 'breaking up the family unit' when he has refused to make you part of his family. As a member of the family, you would have the security of the roof over your head.

There is a lot to be said for having your own front door. If he had wanted to play fair with you, he would have made those (very fair) changes to his will as you suggested, before you moved in.

Seeingadistance · 07/08/2017 02:52

I've just read the full thread, and others have already given you so much support and advice - all of which I second.

Congratulations on buying your own place. You said that when you went to see it, you just knew that it was right for you. Keep a hold of that feeling. It is the right place for you - your own space, and a new start.

Stay strong, and don't be browbeaten by this man.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/08/2017 17:49

"My partner is desperate for the perfect family unit"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Grin. Oh, no he isn't! (said in best pantomime style). Is that what he claims?

Seriously Lesley, think about that.

"My partner never married (his choice not hers) (doesn't want to marry me either) was in the relationship for 9 years this also ended 9 years ago when his son was 9, he is now 18."

He had the potential for the 'perfect' family unit - he could have married the mother of his child when he had the chance, instead of driving her away with his selfish behaviour. He CHOSE not to have his perfect family unit.

He could have treated you right, forming a step-family unit - which he CHOSE not to do.

Says one thing, does the other.

This is all just future-faking manipulation on his part. He doesn't mean it, not one jot. Had he meant it, it would have happened. But a perfect family unit - or at least a functioning family unit - requires the two parents to work together, consider each other's needs, balance everyone's desires. What he means by a 'perfect family unit' is him as the centre of the world and everyone else swirling around him putting him first. Just more of the same shite he's dished out all his adult years.

hatsoncats · 08/08/2017 20:47

He's getting more and more desperate.

Wait for the future faking to become more elaborate, the promises more extreme, the accusations wilder.

Get out and congratulate yourself on a close escape.

NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 17:57

How are you doing, OP? Have been thinking of you.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 09/08/2017 18:55

I'm ok, Thankyou.
It's been hard and it's really drained/upset
me....The worst bit has been hurting him (and for all his selfish flaws he isn't a "bad" man)
He's just quite weak emotionally and obviously to defend himself he throws the blame at me....
Still keeps using the "I didn't say I would never move I'm just not doing it yet"
which I know full well is not true.. .He will never want to move...( blaming me for the reasons he wont)..my job,not joining in his sports social life etc)
So here I am....Apt going through...mortgage company told me on Saturday they were looking to do survey this week , so it's moving on.

I didn't like to keep posting as I didn't want people to think....God! She's on again...
It's likely I'll need a bit more support as things progress.. ..

He's quiet at the moment...We're supposed to be going on hols next Sat...he says he's not sure we should...
He's the one making it awkward,not me.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 09/08/2017 20:08

Go on holiday, op. Why the hell should you do without just because of him!? If he doesn't want to go that is his choice, ask a friend to go with you instead.
You are doing great opFlowers

BlessYourCottonSocks · 09/08/2017 20:12

Please keep posting when you need to. People will answer and hopefully offer support. For what it's worth I think you are brave and strong and are doing exactly the right thing. I think if it were me I would be countering 'I didn't say I would never move...' with, 'Well when you are ready to move then you can sell your place and I can look at selling mine. Until then it's best that we each have security and our own place. You are clearly not ready yet for us to share somewhere'.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2017 22:10

Don't stop posting, Lesley, this place is cathartic.

I know we don't have his PoV, but he promised he would move and has now reneged on this. Why are you paying over 50% for where you currently live? I would stop that now, just pay him a fair share of rent until you move. His son will has his own life. You could live anywhere and he could come to visit. Equally, you could live anywhere no your DP could drive to cricket etc. It's not fair to refuse to move when he promised he would.

My DH and I have this same promise, a move to the country by the time we reach 60 or before if possible. If he reneges on this, I don't know what I'd do, it's keeping me sane, frankly.

NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 23:12

I'm really glad your purchase is progressing well, that's great news.

I suppose you can always use the same line on him -- that you're absolutely not ruling out moving in together and finding a new house that suits you both in future, and that he should let you know when he's ready.

That way you're making it clear that you're not alienating him by buying your own place; you've just been waiting (for such a long time! and possibly it's been totally futile) for him to finally get past the "not yet"...

It's not very kind of him to blackmail you emotionally with stuff like the holiday.

StaplesCorner · 09/08/2017 23:48

How did you get into paying more than half in the first place OP? I am going to sound very cynical but it sounds like the elephant in the room, and its that jumbo payout each month that he's going to miss the most.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 10/08/2017 18:43

I don't know....He just said what he thought was a fair figure and that was it.
It was only when I thought about his out goings that I realised my contribution covered his mortgage,card and utilities...Thats when I started to rethink my position through...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesley65 · 10/08/2017 18:48

Council tax....not card...
It covers the extra part of the ctax when single person discount removed.. .

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 10/08/2017 22:33

Well clearly, he saw you coming, and you have been brilliant to put a stop to it now - well done. I am a couple of years older than you and I envy what will be your freedom once you have that flat - guard it jealously and good luck. Hope you will update us.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2017 02:03

"I didn't like to keep posting as I didn't want people to think....God! She's on again..."
Lesley, I'm guessing the reason for that is that he makes you feel as if you are 'going on again' when you try to talk to him about something important to you (but not to him). We are not him, and we don't think that. It's good to have a sounding board; and here, you can connect with people who have been through it too, and know how you feel and want to support you through this. Please, never feel you can't come on here and have a moan. Sometimes, just putting your feelings into words is enough to take the stress off, even before anyone responds!

I'm glad the apartment is chugging through. As to his crap, I concur with what others are suggesting - every time he whines 'but not yet', just calmly respond 'fine, I'll wait for you to be ready in my own place.'

rizlett · 12/08/2017 06:14

How are you today op?

Original poster
Lesley65 · 12/08/2017 10:19

Good Morning.

I'm doing ok....We seem to be in a better place.....Of course this may change as it gets closer to completion...
I can see him hurting but I have to do what's right for me.

We're still going on holiday....dont know if that's a good idea or bad but nonetheless it's still on.

Talking like this is so good...it helps me everyone I get upset or have a weak moment.
Thankyou all so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesley65 · 12/08/2017 10:21

Bloomin spell check.. ..It should say every time not everyone.....😉

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 12/08/2017 10:32

I'm so pleased you made a decision for yourself. You did exactly the right thing and he has done his utmost to manipulate you not to protect yourself. He is selfish, manipulative, exploitative and fundamentally dishonest. You will be much better equipped to deal with this when you have your own space. I would email him the items that belong to you and which you will be taking when you leave. How long until you can move?

rizlett · 12/08/2017 12:02

I can see him hurting but I have to do what's right for me.

Yes. Because you have been hurting too. It's right to do what's right for you. It's the only way to respect yourself. It's the only way someone else will respect you.

You are doing the right thing.

It's ok to not know what's going to happen. It's ok to take your time thinking things through.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 13/08/2017 17:16

I've been to see the apt today.
It's almost complete.😊
It made me so happy I can't tell you.
Survey being done on Wed so probably only 4-6weeks to completion.

We're going on holiday at the weekend for 2 weeks which I'm sure will be fine, but it's how he'll cope when it completes that's the problem.
The ridiculous thing is that the setting/location/apt itself are all stunning and even if he has to admit that once he sees it, I know he will still refuse to move.

OP posts:
rizlett · 13/08/2017 17:39

So exciting op.

He doesn't have to move though does he? Would you consider just seeing each other but living apart?

You never know - he might just surprise you and say he does want to move in.

Original poster
Lesley65 · 13/08/2017 18:09

That's the whole idea rizlett, that I buy and we see continue to see each other....otherwise it's over anyway as we can't agree and he's backtracked on plans we made.

OP posts:
childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/08/2017 10:54

Apartment sounds lovely :)

Keep a picture on your phone to look at over the holiday if the pressure gets too much. But hope you manage to have a lovely break away.

FinallyHere · 14/08/2017 11:05

Photo on your phone sounds like a great idea, hope the holiday is Ok and you can look forward to having your own space on your retrun.