30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

It is so sodding difficult, this no contact thing. I ended a 2 month thing on Thursday (he wanted casual, I wanted more). I stalk his WhatsApp, why I don't quite know! thing is, until a couple of weeks ago his 'last seen' was hidden. I asked why he said "so my kids (23 and 15), ex wife and friends can't see when I've been online as I don't always read or answer messages straight away" I called BS as he immediately told me when his kids or friends messaged and what they said if it was funny! anyway he let his 'last seen' be seen - for one day he said - It is still viewable now. Really thought he would hide it again since we are over.

It's the small things as well as the big ones which leave us pondering, whether it's a 20 year or 2 month relationship.

Not ready to block (hoping he misses me soon and contacts ) or hide my last seen so I can't stalk. Desperately trying not to message, so rambling here.

OMG! just looked....his 'last seen' is 03:25! SURELY not kids or mere 'friends' serves me right for stalking!

Annelind if you download whatstrack you can see when he's on even if you're blocked without opening your own WhatsApp...

Miracle I'm also wondering what happens after 30 days too. Day 6 for me...

hi Miracle! I can't delete WhatsApp, as I'm poor and have PAYG so I don't have a set amount to pay each month. Being on JSA I'm in a precarious situation, as sanctions (complete stoppage of money) are now very widespread for ridiculous reasons, so I live very frugally, and of course WhatsApp is free and ideal for contact with family and friends as well as romance! I use no other social media - oh email of course for job applications etc; the wifi is paid by my daughter who I houseshare with. I've only been online 2 years and she wouldn't take my 'share' of the cost when I got online too.

I agree about fear of involvement - plus it leaves options open for them......

Discovered I still have trust issues too - otherwise why worry about someone's last seen? It's not as though I can see WHO he's been messaging! ridiculous when you think about it!

Miracle I think I've been doing it wrong then! I haven't given him any options other than "please don't contact me". He sent me a text soon after which I courtesy replied to but repeated that we needed to have time apart. Still, the space has been doing me the world of good, like you I'm beginning to regain perspective and feel like myself again. So maybe it's for the best.

Sohurt that's what I'm doing too- he kept giving me mixed messages and I want to make my mind up for myself. Hey I'm on day 6 now!

Pogmella day 6 for me too!

Just read through your posts. Mine is also busy distracting himself with another woman he's been stringing along. Annoyingly he is an attractive man. Well, on the surface at least. But I'm determined not to play the "pick me" game. She can have him.

Mine is objectively attractive too. Over the last yr he's had a new hairstyle and is handsome. The constant lies though and the selfishness and vanity have become a real turn off for me!

Trying to remember the warts on his back and how he left skid marks in the toilet almost every time.

Haha, YY to remembering warts and shit marks! And anything else that was a turn off.

Actually mine is not conventionally handsome as such. But he can be very charming when he wants to be. He's not a bad man but he is a confused and doesn't know which way is up. Time to meet a proper man I think.

Yeah I want to meet a grown up... he's told his parents he hasn't been happy for a year, presumably he thinks this makes him seem like a martyr. What he forgets is that exactly a year ago my mum died suddenly the week I had to back to work off mat leave so if anyone thinks about his claim for longer than a few seconds it doesn't actually make him look like such a great husband!

Not sure what to do about NC next weekend. He has DD and I would like updates... I guess I could ask but not allow myself to Chase?

I have drinks with friends, a spa day, dinner with friends and a Spanish conversation Meet up planned so hopefully won't have time to miss her too much.

All the up down on off stringing along posts remind of a great line I read on MN "don't make him a priority when you're just an option" something like that anyway!

amelind OMG! just looked....his 'last seen' is 03:25! SURELY not kids or mere 'friends' confused serves me right for stalking!
SNAP!
Yes I saw this with my Ex two weeks ago... one week after he'd ended it. At almost exactly the same time. Arghhh
Although it is important for me to see, I'm NC so I can't ask him! But part of our problem is that he gives me the impression that it's only me, affection etc. whereas in reality he's much more ruthless. So I need the reality check!

Good list miracle.

I'd add, if they want to end it, or have space or whatever they call it, that's what we have to do. End it, back off totally. Same if we ended it.

We lose our value if we then reach out to them when they've rejected us. They don't have time to miss us, or think through what that actually means. What is life like without us? Without our friendship?

I know I have to NC as I've tried at least 3 times to remain friends, each time has left me more powerless. Ex even said to me this time that I'd used emotional blackmail to get him back! How humiliating. Talk about demeaning me. I had admitted to him how hard I was finding it, I'll never do that again. Grrrrr....

Still NC though now, Day 21!

I think I'll extend the NC to 3 months. Then gradually lessen as we have a child.

Oh and my Ex isn't handsome, but he is very attractive, if that makes sense! Women do get quite attracted to him, and that is a big part of the problem for us. He's a grown up, as in owns a nice house, really god job, responsible. But a child in that he's having one massive mid life crisis and getting too giddy with his ability to have a lot of options...

Fucking hell! I chucked mine out 1st Sept on discovery. 6th Sept he agreed to come home and work on us. That blew up 17th. Tells me he's still based there.

He went to stay with friends of both of ours- told me they supported him and could see he was unhappy.

The wife of those friends just came over for a cuppa and to confirm that he's barely stayed there and he moved straight in with OW on the 3rd.

What an absolute piece of shit. Why is he STILL lying.

Divorce papers in grounds of Adultery winging his way ASAP.

Oh no pogmella horrible to be lied to. No wonder you suspected you weren't going mad. Good you have found out but painful.

miracle you are doing so well, you sound a lot stronger. It's like your man like the idea of you in a detached romantic way, and can't face up to real life. Like he is living in a bubble. Life is just going to pass him by. But he is dragging you into a stalemate. Which you are managing to step back from.

I'll try post here if I get drunk tonight rather than him tonight! I wish he wasn't babysitting. For me I am angry in that I do think he's choosing the easy way for him, and breaking up our family unit, for nothing but selfish reasons. I don't like he's getting off scot free. But there's not much I can do, and at least I will have the family unit, he's works too long hours for any shared care scenario.

He's meant to have our daughter next weekend but I just don't trust him at all. I don't know what to do....

Miracles just keep reminding yourself how he drags you down when you deserve so much more than he is able to offer you.

Mine is the same. I know he loves me and wants to keep me in his life but that's not good enough for me anymore. I'm raising the bar now because I know what I'm able to offer in a relationship and am now unwilling to receive anything less back.