30 days no contact

[Songbird86]

Hi all!

Just want to share this because it might be helpful to some of you also experiencing a break up. I have nearly completed 30 days no contact post-break up. (I didn't even know this was a thing until I frantically Googled "how to get your ex back" the minute we'd split)

Not texting or calling him to beg and plead, say "I miss you" and "let's make this work" has, for the first time, left me with my dignity in tact. I gracefully bowed out. And whilst I think of him almost 24 hours a day, I don't act on it. I miss him, but have realised through this process that we were not right for each other and I was hanging onto what the relationship could have been, not what it actually was.

I kept a journal of this experience over the past month and what a ride it's been. It's been really tough to say the least but I am so proud of myself for getting through this. Next 30 days: here I come!

I recommend no contacting for anyone struggling with a break up, no matter which if you ended it.
Xx

We do indeed deserve better!
I've just re-read his message from last night, that he's thinking about me a lot and this will take a while to get over. My first reaction was, well you dumped me don't expect me to feel sorry for you. On a second reading I think he may mean he's thinking about poor little me because he knows it'll take time for ME to get over this. Either way, what an arrogant, entitled arse!

Withering mine has now removed his self pitying post from Facebook. It said about 'how loud he was being ignored'. Not sure what that was all about. He hasn't been in touch for a week so I'm not technically ignoring him, I just have not been in contact. When I thought it might be anxiety I asked him if his reasons for wanting to meet up were to be just friends or put things right and he said his heart was not in it but I am 'brilliant', he has nothing but respect for me, I deserve better etc etc blah blah. I don't want to be friends with someone who could dump me whilst we are abroad, then LIE and say I had the wrong end of the stick and we were only ever going as mates (ermmmm..........WHAT??). If he'd been respectful and honest before we went I would be much better. Still hurts but not quite so humiliating maybe. I thought the post on FB was pretty funny actually. Although he has removed it I did screen shot it first to amuse myself with from time to time. I hope he is hurting, he deserves it

and youre right. Yours is just being self indulgent. What an arrogant arse

Hi all, good to hear there it does improve slowly tictactic

withering sounds like mine, very difficult when it’s so hot and cold.

I’m not completely NC, but as near as I can. I do feel stronger because of it.
I’m on day 23, but we gave each other a hug on Sunday. We are still in the same house. So not sure if I should start from zero again!

Withering and Autumn. I pinched this from elsewhere on here. Make it your screensaver

I like it Ami :)
Feeling a bit weak right now tbh. He's sent another message that I've ignored, but I've got this fear that he'll go off in a huff and I'll never hear from him again. But that's what I should want, isn't it??? Argh!!!

Autumn, you're in the same house? That must be pretty challenging. Well done on getting as far as you have!

Withering I know exactly how you feel. I sent mine a long email telling him exactly how badly he’d treated me. I then was upset thinking ‘I’ve blown it now’. The truth is he blew it, not me. What does his message say?

It's just an 'I saw this and thought you'd like it' funny meme type thing. I guess not something I need to respond to.

He’s after a reaction from you or he’s trying to make himself feel better. It’s not your job to make him feel better about himself and what he did. I’d ignore it. If you respond he’ll engage you in conversation and that won’t do you any good at all. You need to be completely selfish right now. Who cares what he thinks? If he gets arsey with you that’s his look out. He has absolutely no right to be angry with you

Like the picture aminuts! It’s true enough. Has he responded to your email?

withering Thanks, I know... same house. We have a young child together and I don’t work and no family near, so kind of stuck. He won’t move out. I’ve a plan but he wants to come to a mutual arrangement. In the meantime, I don’t want it to go on and on... your man sounds like he’s trying to get your attention and he misses you. I guess you need him to do more than that though, you need him to step up. And show you he has.

Think I may have failed today though! He’s come in not feeling well at all, so we had a brief chat about getting him to go to the doctor.

Hi Autumn. The only response to the email was a text last week saying I deserve better! I bloody well know that. I don’t know how you’re coping in the same house. I did that with an ex. It was awful, I feel for you

Woop woop nearly a week here!
In same house which doesn't help things, but he doesn't get home from work til after 7, so made sure I've been busy every night. And all I've talked about is DC. Unfortunately he did catch me crying the other night when I thought he was asleep, but thats it.
Need to discuss him moving out and finances soon so I can see that changing unfortunately . . . .

Aminuts and Withering so hard when they blow hot and cold isn't it?
Easy to say 'ignore' but not so easy to do.

It’s impossible to ignore completely!

I’m finding it tricky but also helpful to have my kids around - how do I want them to see me handling this break up? What am I teaching them? It keeps me mostly on the straight and narrow. I also worry, my Ex has blown hot and cold for so long it’s not great for the kids. We’ve been amicable but that’s not the point, I’ve been made the weaker person, the rejected one. I want to be a stronger role model.

Hey all just checking in. We're not NC as a load of new info came out and it isn't currently helpful to me. Meeting for coffee tomorrow. Apparently OW is frustrated by how much he's on his phone emailing me. The irony is not lost....

Well, our current time line is he dropped me over the weekend, saying that the distance (we were ldr) was too much and he needed someone he could be with all the time and have a future with. There was mention of someone he met through work that was then completely downplayed over the next couple of days as 'probably nothing would come if it' and 'it's not so much her as what she represents'. Then I get the 'thinking about you' messages on Monday night and the meme yesterday.

In between those two messages to me, I've just realised a picture of a girl was added to his Facebook timeline, (presumably her). Oh and he's also changed his fb 'quote' to one we were talking about over the weekend, that I'd mentioned was my favourite saying.

Feeling completely had and used right now. And of course he wants us to stay friends because presumably it makes him feel like less of a shit.

Can I join please?

With ex 20 years, have 7yo ds who is non verbal autistic. Split 4 years ago as he left for a girl 20 years his junior, they've since had a dd. I cut all contact 3 years ago for a year, he didn't see ds during that time. (He was drinking heavily and taking drugs so was a safeguarding issue). I started allowing contact with ds through a third party 2 years ago and 18 months ago I allowed access through me. He split with ow around this time and started telling me how it was only ever me he loved - basically love bombing me. I've been with no one since we split and a year ago we started sleeping together. I never told anyone in rl we were seeing each other again as I was too embarrassed after everything.

Anyway he had trouble getting access to dd so I've supported him all the way.

He started being a twat again a couple of months ago and after a few weeks of this I ended things (I know now he did this to make me end things). We have stayed on friendly terms until he told me ow had been in touch to allow access to dd. I knew he was back with her, he denied it, said he just wanted to see dd and I was being stupid. I knew I was right and I've just had confirmation although I know he'll still deny it. We are meant to be going on holiday at the end of the month, are first ever as a family, I know he'd still come but I can't do it. I did so well during that year of nc, I stopped smoking, managed to put a bit of money away and was pretty happy, now he's come back, turned my life upside down and fucked off AGAIN for same ow. I HATE him, I hate myself more for believing his crap. I'm smoking again and all my savings are gone.
I read an article on baggage reclaim about "I can't believe they dont want me syndrome"and it hits the nail on the head for me.

I got a contract phone for him which he has to pay me for monthly and I know if I stop contact he won't pay me. I don't want to stop him seeing ds (as long as he doesn't revert back to drinking/drug use). He usually comes round on Saturdays and watches ds whilst I work from home (Saturday is busiest day) but the thought of having to see him for extended periods of time makes me feel sick.
He will phone today and I know he's slept at ow house last night (dd not there). I know if I speak to him I'll get upset. Why the fuck did I ever leave him back in my life?

*lethim back

I text him. Told him go through x for access to ds. I had to do it, I can't pretend I don't know what he's doing and it's better for my sanity if I don't see him.

He will be love bombing her now, in my rational mind I know it will be good with them for a short while before he reverts to type and I'm better without him, she's drawn the short straw.

It’s all like being on a roller coaster! Fed up of it, I want to get off and just have some calm in my life. I’m going away this weekend and it will be really busy, which is good.

I’m tired of relationship drama dominating my life!

to all of you posters going through the mill. Sympathies!

I’ve had a bad day today Autumn. Every conversation at work has brought back memories of ‘us’. Not colleagues fault, they had no idea. Just felt like weeping in the toilets. I’m home alone tonight which isn’t ideal. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train today, just when I thought it was getting easier. Still NC though. Day 8 😞

Feeling pretty good at the minute, he replied to my text with more lies, I haven't responded, nor have I picked up the phone when he tried calling - three times. NC is the only way I'll get through this. I have a third party willing to deal with access so I don't have to speak to him.

I was so strong after going NC for a year and I will be again, he's not going to break me I won't let him.

Mumanddad yes stay strong. Although I don’t feel it right now. I feel broken today

Ami Its so hard in the early days but you really do heal quicker if you have as little contact as possible.
I can't listen to his lies anymore, if I engage with him at all, this will go on and on until, eventually he'll admit things and expect me to be ok with it so I'll have to start healing then. I'm not wasting another day.
He's actually text today saying how hard this is for him! Wanker