Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

Oh OP I'm sorry. As far as her responses, isn't he her superior? That puts her in a really difficult position. It's possible she's nurturing it. It's possible she doesn't really know how to bow out.

If he's her boss then I'd take her replies as an awkward 'hahah. Yeah good one maybe next time' as long as there's not loads and she's clearly ignoring some.

Either way, he's shown that this isn't friendly banter. He's being a creep or a cheat.

I really don’t know what to do but will try and get phone again to take screenshots before I say anything I didn’t think of that.

Yes he’s her superior at work but I don’t think she is innocently trying to back out of it because she initiates a lot of the messages too.

He's basically coming on to her.
Sorry namechanger but I do think he's being a shit and would be shagging her as soon as she gave him the nod .

OK so it's both of them. Even more worrying as it's probably only a matter of time before something happens.

It doesn't sound like anything's happened but they're both setting it up. I'm sorry. Bastard.

What would photographing the messages on his phone achieve?

For me it would prevent gas lighting. So if he says I'd misread it etc I would just show him the evidence and tell him not to bother. Learned from bitter experience, unfortunately.

Yes, it's best to get as much evidence as possible for when he undoubtedly denies everything.

I hope his cock drops off. Wanker.

I'm so sorry OP

If your DH is two grades above Chloe then he should not be making suggestive comments to her. Whatever you do don't let him know you have checked his phone or he will delete anything else she emails/texts to him. You will just have to wait and see how he behaves in future. Act in normal way yourself, act relaxed and don't mention Chloe. If you confront him with text he will know you have been reading his text and be furious with you. It may be nothing and if you question him you will look like bunny boiler.

He's a desperate twat and I'd have it out with him straight off. Pack his bag and tell him to fuck off to a hotel room and he can ask whoever he wants to share it with him, if he's lonely. Cheeky bastard! Women aren't often wrong when it comes to intuition.

I would start setting cash aside if I could just in case you need it later. When you go shopping get cash back. Do you know when he is going on trip again?

Oh Op, that's shit. You need to make a plan.

Oh Jesus I really had thought it was him with just a stupid crush. I think something has happened perhaps once and he's trying to push for it again, she seems half into half not. Whether it's because of her position or the fact he's married doesn't really matter but he is definitley really pushing at her for more.

The empty room photo would be enough evidence for me. That is so inappropriate and cannot be talked out of. What idiot leaves messages like that on his phone.

I think you should confide in a close friend in real life and get some support around you

Your response to this is what matters. How is what you are actually seeing (not what he is spinning) making you feel?

Shit I expect. So decide what to do on that basis. Regardless of what he wants/plans/has done this is making you miserable and humiliated. You really don't need to accept it or listen to excuses . I know you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to live with this. You can say enough is enough. Not easy, and you won't stop loving him , it takes time.

You wouldn't ever behave like this though would you? So why put up with him doing so?

From your recent post, it's clear he fancies her.

He's being totally unprofessional and this is beyond banter. It seems like she realises he likes her and has declined going on the trip for this reason.

As a HR professional, I'd actually say it's bordering on sexual harassment from him.

She's his subordinate and he's talking about making it worth her while to go on the trip.... That's way out of line.

There's a couple of ways to deal with it... Or that I might deal with it.

I'd confront him about the emails, under the guise of having received an anonymous call or message about the two of them, which prompted me to check the messages.

The thing is I don't like to reveal my sources and I fear that he'll just hide it if you don't say anything.

I had was told this next idea was passive aggressive, so I didn't actually do it, but I was going buy a copy of the book 'not just friends' and give my DH to read, when I discovered he was in touch with his Ex.

It was suggested that I talk through things, but I did send him an excerpt of the book to make my point, then we discussed it

Right now, it's not an affair, but he certainly wants more from her and if he doesn't, he's putting himself in a difficult position, because if an employee came to HR with his messages, we'd be having words with him and potentially taking action short of disciplinary.

I know I'd feel uncomfortable receiving that message from my manager.

Do you have children with him?

You could ask to see the messages between them (in his presence) to keep my mind at rest, because (and this will shake him up), you that I was

If it's possible, tell him you need time and space away (from him) and are going away for a few days as you have a few things on your mind you need to think through.

If he asks what, just say you don't feel ready to talk to him right now.

The empty room is like he's got nobody to share the bed with and she says, maybe she'll come next time.

How can you trust him.

Makes it worth her while you = good sex or better prospects at work or he'll give her something else... A gift /cash....

There's no way he'd want a man sending you such a message.

It would be enough for me to seriously consider ending it.

Eventually he needs to know that you are prepared to end the marriage over this, otherwise he won't take it seriously.

He can happily pursue her when he's not married to you.

Could someone PM me the part of the women's Manuel where it says women and married/attached men have to remain 30 feet apart and not speak without a chaperone...? Mine appears to be missing. Thanks.

Could someone PM me the part of the women's Manuel where it says women and married/attached men have to remain 30 feet apart and not speak without a chaperone...? Mine appears to be missing. Thanks.

I'm a married man and no fucking way would I be texting anyone else the way that OP's husband has, if he tries to say it's banter or he's having a laugh it's bollocks, it's far beyond that.

I seem to be one out of a handful of men that can have female friends and not come on to them or try to get in their knickers.

Maybe it's because I am female with a lot of male friends most of them partnered it winds me up that sometimes, on here it seems that men can not be friends with women. Hell one of my make friends, I have his parents numbers, and get invited round to Sunday lunch. Cause we've been close since small.

littleboo I don't think you read the update

I was in this position once as a young thing in corporate London in the 90s. Well I am not saying that Chloe is me but I will tell you my story.

I worked long hours, climbing the ladder, travelling, loved it. One of a very small number of women in my field. Moved to a firm who approached me, life was good.

My MD became rather attentive, happily married MD. Innocently the happily married but meant I thought he was happily married and I applied my own values to that.

In an office move we ended up sharing an office which I was not thrilled about but I did all the work in a certain niche for his clients.

He started coming on my trips more often than not. One night when I was in bed he rang my room and suggested that he came down for a drink, I refused, said I was in bed .....shortly afterwards he knocked on my door, for 15 mins.

I spoke to the chairman, the old boys network closed in. I resigned with a six month notice period, knew I would get another job easily enough.

I was late 20s with a mortgage on a place in Wapping, the stress was immense, at 5ft 7" I ended up weighing less than 7 stone.

I had a month off before I started my new job to gain weight/de stress.

In the event that Chloe is not complicit in this she is in a horrible place.

In any event, your husband is not behaving like a decent human being (or husband) should.

My 50 year old self would tell him to f off, my young self wouldn't have dared.

She might be in an awkward position and even if she is sometimes texting him, it could be because she wants to remain friendly for the sake of her job and work relations. She did lol at him when he asked about the bedroom.