Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

Have you talked to him OP?

My DH works in a very female dominated environment, for example only male with 20 females at present. several years ago he went on a course with his (under) line manager. She mentioned to him that there were rumours at work that he was involved with X. X was someone he genuinely liked as a friend. His first reaction? To call me to talk about it, to discuss what he could do to to stop the rumours and to talk about how he had acted to create this suspicion so he could stop it happening again.
10 years on he is still very friendly with his female colleagues, (different workplace now) and at the moment he has a Face Book chat group with them, still some times goes away for nights. I can access his FB (but don't) I have no concerns, he has never had any difficulties with inappropriateness as he's learnt how to be friendly but not flirty. I would expect in a professional environment if your work colleagues think it's a bit iffy you need to step back a bit and not joke about it.
Not saying he's been a bad boy but he isn't being as open to you as he could be it sounds a bit crushy. In my relationship I'd straight up mention it to my DH, I don't know if you have that relationship but I always talk about stuff, even if it makes me sound an unreasonable cow, I generally preface it with, 'call me a jealous bitch but I'm finding this thing with Chloe is making me worry a bit because....'. Your gut will be a big part of it.

If I felt the need to "dig"'or "snoop" my relationship would automatically be over anyway. How do people live like that?

That's really sensible advice Fertleby. There are ways to have friendly banter without crossing lines.

The OP needs to talk to their DH about this further. From the information given, we can't say either way other than its likely that they've been a bit flirty instead of friendly (though for some it's a very fine line).

I don't understand why she didn't park at your house rather than near it if it was all fine.

Because the OP has said that parking is an issue on their Street. It was 5am so rather than knock and wake the house, she text thr DH.

That set up doesn't scream odd to me. Their ongoing flirting woukd be the thing I woukd keep a quiet eye on.

I don't see anything to be worried about it anything op has said so far. Do people really think every conversation people have with colleagues is strictly professional and about work. Look like they get on and that's fine.

There are always rumours and gossip at workplaces, ignore it.

I've spent a career working in heavily male environments, regularly traveling with male colleagues, to work with others on client sites. My experience is similar to other women here in the same boat.

This kind of work travel requires building a close rapport in a team from day one, even though you may never see them again after the end of the work. We stay in the same hotels, often travel together (we work whilst traveling) and share cars, taxis, meals, drinks in the bar etc.

There is bugger all else to do at the end of a long day other than sit your hotel room watching Desperate Housewives. This kind of travel sucks, it isn't a 'perk' and its a common reason for people leaving the industry.

It would never occur to me to give my DP details on who i'm working with. He has no more interest in my occasional colleagues than I have in his, beyond a few long term and regular of each others' colleagues we actually know beyond just work.

Some of the phrasing described in mail - wouldn't use it myself but I've no doubt junior colleagues might between themselves. That doesn't make it meaningful.

i'm back, sorry for going for so long but I didn’t speak to DH about it again as felt I couldn’t say a lot more than I already had and I managed not to think about it too much during the week but he’s been out today and didn’t take his work phone and I couldn’t resist having a proper look through it.

It hasn’t put my mind at rest at all, there are messages every day, some in the evenings, lots of phone calls in the call history, some of them really long like nearly an hour.

Worst ones are about his trip this week, he went to the same project again for two nights, made a point of telling me he was travelling alone and she wasn’t going to be there but he had sent her messages in the days leading up to it practically begging her to go, sent her a message saying ‘i’ll make it worth your while’ then sent her a photo of his room with a sad face and ‘what a waste’. That’s really bad isn’t it? I can’t think of an innocent explanation for that one.

What did she reply to the room pic?

I'm really sorry OP, he definitely seems to be trying his luck with her if nothing else.

I'd previously been very much in the camp of 'people can have banter and it be innocent'. But writing is on the wall here.

Something is up OP. He's up to no good. Either something has happened or he is desperately chasing this woman trying to woo her.

So sorry to hear it.

Oh no OP. That's not good. What innocent explanation could there be for that? I can't think of one

That's pretty incriminating isn't it ?
What are her replies ? If she's brushing him off (which I hope she is) then he's in danger of being had for harassment.

her replies aren't very consistent, sometimes she ignores the comments or makes them a joke but often seems to join in, like to the bed one I think it was something like 'lol, maybe next time'

How horrible for you . What are you going to do ?

What a waste? Flippin eck. Try and somehow get a screenshot as they will be deleted as soon as you mention anything.

Yup, that's not good at all, even it was just banter (eurgh) he's so far over the line.

That's not banter. He's deadly serious.

'What a waste' and the bedroom pic? Oh dear.
If it was 'what a waste' and there was a photo of the pool or bar of some sort of cool hotel amenities... but the bedroom?
It doesn't sound like she's reciprocating though, that's very much the response of someone who's like 'Urm yea'.
Sounds like he's trying it on though, sorry Op

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would be getting my ducks in a row quietly..........

"Best" case scenario, he's a creepy flirt.

I guess it doesn't matter that her responses are a bit luke warm though , he's obviously up for an affair and if they're having hour long conversations then she's obviously not totally against it either.

Photograph the messages on your phone in case he tries to delete them. I think he will still try to talk his way out of it though, if you confront him about it now.