Would you be bothered by this - DH travelling with female colleague and not telling me

[manechanger101]

DH travels quite frequently for work and is often in a different place every day of the week so we don't generally discuss where he is in any great detail - it will just be 'x today, Y tomorrow' etc. Recently he's started a new project which involves a flight to get to and last week he went there for two days. He told me that the two guys he'd previously travelled there with were already out there so I assumed he was going alone although he never actually said he was/I didn't ask.

He phoned when away as normal but he didn’t talk much about the trip when he came home. Few days later I found a pair of woman’s shoes in his car. Asked him about them he said 'oh they're Chloe’s from the other day', apparently when he went away she had gone with him. She works on the project too, I've heard of her before but had no idea he was travelling with her. She'd parked near the house and he'd driven her to the airport, they flew together, stayed in the same hotel, went for dinner with the others etc..

He says he doesn't understand why I'm annoyed, that he didn't think he needed to mention it and it's no different to when he travels with one of the guys, I'm just concerned cause it seems like he purposely didn't mention it.

There’s a few other things that bother me about this woman, like the fact that I’ve seen lots of messages from her in his email but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be bothered about the trip

Are you forced by your job to use the same car ?
If travelling together it makes perfect sense.

Could you imagine the conversation with a manager: Hi Kelly, yes it's Steve here. I know you wanted me and Gemma to go to that conference in London but I need a fleet car that day. ... yes, yes I know Gemma is driving but my insecure partner at home thinks that I cannot be 'forced' to travel with another woman in case I find myself overpowered by their sex appeal and accidently fall into their vagina at the hotel. .... yes actually whilst I'm at it, can you also arrange for me to stay at a different hotel? I know it's nice to share a drink with a colleague, and I'm sure Mrs Steve would be fine if it was a drink with Paul, but you know, someone might think a drink between colleagues is the start of an affair so it's probably best if really me and Gemma are nowhere near each other because you can't force me to sit near a woman. What do you mean I'm being unreasonable?! Don't you know that's how affairs start!

Maisy

Regularly travel as only female with 5 men. We have all managed to not have wild affairs with each other!

@MaisyPops
You are totally missing the point here and making fun of situations that can be devastating and cause problems to couples and their families . If your job makes you to travel with certain colleagues then sure you have to do it. If you use your own car , as it happened in the OP case and if you know the wife will be upset , then dont do it. Use your own car or travel with another colleague.
One day you will be that wife and then i am sure you wont make that much fun of it

Blueflower I think you're the one missing the point. OP has no issue with her DH working with a female colleague or travelling with her per se, the problem is the concealment, which appears deliberate. If he'd just said, I'm going to X with Mike, Jeff. Chloe and Tim and I'm giving Chloe a lift to the airport, the OP wouldn't be suspicious.

I am basically with MaisyPops.

@ SchnitzelVonKrumm
Yes i know, it wasn't meant as an answer to the OP and i apologized for diverting the conversation. I just expressed an opinion as an answer to few comments

MaisyPops 😁

Blueflower
Do you seriously think female employees need to be aware of the insecurities of a male colleagues spouse whilst going about their work? No that's their husbands burden. I'm always amazed when spouses who aren't even employed by a company think they have some say or influence in proceedings because their husbands are. Some crazy mindsets here!

blueflower30
I'm not missing the point at all.
Sharing cars etc is kind of a basic part of working with people in my experience. When organisation culture is to share cars then you just end up looking odd. Added to which, that's then multiple milage claims to the company when only one set is needed.

People insisting on different arrangements because 'my spouse won't like it' would probably end up in a situation where the company will just offer opportunities to other colleagues who aren't asking for special treatment for perfectly reasonable tasks.

Im well aware affairs happen. This isnt about somebody having an affair. Its about people assuming that a pair of shoes and not waking a whole house up at 5am is an affair and suggesting people alter entirely professional interactions and relationships around whether a spouse does/doesn't like it.

Blueflower30,
You'll be pleased to know that at my employers whilst we share cars to airports, stay at the same hotel often in rooms on the same floor, sometimes adjacent, we eat together at breakfast and dinner and may even swim together in the hotel pool we all, by mutual agreement, sit separately on the flight. We openly discuss that we don't want to see each other snoring, dribbling, and possibly a bit windy on a long haul flight (its not romantic).

I think there is something going on, or one/both of them want there to be.

I'm very long in the tooth, and when you start casually mentioning that someone else thinks there's something going on between you, what you are doing is flirting

.... plus the mentionitis,

notyoda
Not always but I take your point.
I think there might be a spot of flirting going on in this situation, but that's not automatically an indicator that they are up for an affair. What some people consider friendly, others consider flirting. I also think some people in work environments love to have a bit of a stir and make situations more than they are.

I think they need to be aware of the line, but as long as they don't cross it (e.g long late night texts, phone hidden, emotional affair, sleeping together) then it may well just be harmless.

Over friendly. Purposely not mentioning she was there when he usually talks about who was there. Colleague thinks something is going on.
Doesn't sound great. It's not just that they travelled together, it's all the small things adding up that worry the OP and others, so don't know why so many are going by the title alone when it's obviously not just because there happened to be a female colleague on a work trip.

Yes I agree he shouldn't be leaving the information out. That said one of my friend's wives gets all arsey about him travelling with female colleagues, having business dinners etc with them (in a mixed crowd) so he doesn't mention it because all he gets it's ballache over it.

he doesn't mention it because all he gets it's ballache over it

He's a bit of a spineless shit then isn't he.

Why don't you just ask him if you're worried? Snooping around on his phone and speculating on the internet won't help.

Batteries he's really not. But dealing with someone with insecurities they won't work on is just bloody draining.

Nope that's not what I said fanjo and that's certainly not what happens.

jeaux90 one of my friend's wives gets all arsey about him travelling with female colleagues so he doesn't mention it because all he gets it's ballache over it.
You are his colleague and posting this about his wife. It does seem that he slags her off and broadcasting her insecurities . What sort of person gives to work colleagues the right to talk like this about his wife

SchnitzelVonKrumm

Clearly the gender is very relevant.

I doubt OP would be on here if she had found a pair of men's shoes and her DH has said "oh yeah, I have Barry a lift to the airport"

one of my friend's wives gets all arsey about him travelling with female colleagues so he doesn't mention it because all he gets it's ballache over it.
I can think of a couple of friends/former colleagues who are in that situation.
Their conduct is entirely professional/appropriate for being friends but it's simply not worth the hassle of dealing with the spanning inquisition over tiny details.

I think I would find it utterly draining to be endlessly monitored and have ever interaction with the opposite sex quizzed.

An alternative view.

I work in a male dominated field and go away with work. I gave my colleague Dave a lift and he left his trainers in the car. When I got back my DH was moody with me because he isn't happy with me giving Dave a lift to the airport and he thinks it's a bit weird that we had drinks together on a business trip. But that's standard for every business trip I've done. He's always wanting to know who I'm with in case I'm with male colleagues because people have made silly comments about me having a work husband. It's starting to do my head in because I feel I can't do a simple work trip without being interrogated.

I'd better 80% of the replies would be something like: LTB, He's being emotionally abusive, your career shouldn't be compromised for his trust issues, he has no right to tell you not to give lifts to colleagues etc.