should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

[JudyBlumeForever]

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

I wouldn't. You have no relationship with your step mother and if your step sister had wanted to build a relationship, then she could have at any point.

I think you've been phoned for money purposes only and not because they would like to establish a relationship with you. It would be like handing £4000 over to a stranger in the street.

Please don't feel guilty about your decision either.

They are literally only interested in you for your money. That's it.

Your sister is old enough that she could have initiated contact and a relationship with you before now if she was actually interested.

Is there some part of you hoping that her gratitude might have kick started your sibling relationship?

They're just trying to use you.

In fairness, there's no reason whatsoever why if you help one half-sibling you would have to help the other. One might be a complete wastrel, and the other hard working and conscientious. Even if they were both conscientious there's still no reason why you have to be even-handed. You're not their parent.

Anyway, glad you've decided to leave it. Maybe if the girl seeks you out in a friendly way with no money involved, you might change your mind when you know her properly, in about 10 years or so. Not too late to help her then.

The fact that you even considered the request shows what a kind person you are op. The fact that your step mother even made the request shows what an unpleasant person she is.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to send the message back via your aunt that, had your step mum reached out to you once in the last 10 years to try and rekindle your relationship, you'd be falling over yourself to help. But to only reach out when she wants money shows she has zero affection for you at all.

If your DSS cannot afford to go to college this year, she can do what a lot of other people do and work in a shop/restaurant for a year first and save. Does her mother work?

You sound lovely, and the fact that your DSM even felt she could approach you with this shows she knows you're lovely too. Yet knowing that she excluded you from your family. You should not have to buy your way in to your sister's life. This all sounds incredibly dysfunctional.

I would say no. Your step mother cannot see you as a cash cow because of your inheritance from your grandparent.

She would need to do a whole lot of grovelling for forgiveness after her prior behaviour before even asking for the money.

I think if your half sister had approached you and wanted a relationship with you, my answer may have been different.

Firstly I think she's got a bloody cheek, and secondly will she be funding any children you may have through university later, I bet I know the answer "NO".
How does she know that the money hasn't alread been spent.

Good decision, but I must say... The barefaced cheek of your SM contacting you when age wants money.

Absolute cheek IMO.