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Original poster

should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

183 replies

JudyBlumeForever · 12/07/2017 21:38

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

OP posts:
Saracen · 12/07/2017 22:48

I agree with "no".

BUT... you say you were very pleased to hear that your sister got this uni place, and that you don't blame her for what her mum did. It sounds like you have some inclination to help her.

Why don't you write her a warm letter congratulating her? You might mention that while you want nothing to do with your SM, you would be happy to meet up with your sister sometimes. Now she is an adult and you could start a relationship with her if that is what both of you want. Maybe you will decide you want to offer her some nonfinancial help: advice with preparing a CV for the part-time job she may be needing, for example.

I don't know whether it would or wouldn't be wise to allude to the request for money which your SM has made. You don't want your sister to suck up to you in hopes of receiving money which you have no intention of handing over, so perhaps it's best to tell her that that isn't happening. But on the other hand she may be embarrassed at her mum's cheek for asking you for money, so maybe the subject shouldn't be mentioned.

opinionatedfreak · 12/07/2017 22:48

What course is it? I had a part time job for the first 4 years of medical school.

Still graduated with good grades.

kittybiscuits · 12/07/2017 22:48

Just no. I wouldn't send a response at all. It will encourage your SM. If your half sisters want to have a relationship with you, it should be on an adult basis. Your SM is clearly awful.

CustardLover · 12/07/2017 22:48

I totally disagree with those who say no. Your DHS is young and cannot be held responsible for her parents or their break up or the fact you don't have contact - you are clearly the older sibling and I think it would be your responsibility to keep up with a six year old. She's your sister, you can afford it, it could be the start of a loving sibling relationship. I just don't get the whole suspicion around money on MN - what's the worse that can happen; your sister gets an education that you can afford and at no detriment to you? That seems ok to me and the best case scenario is pretty wonderful. I hope you make it work

Haffdonga · 12/07/2017 22:49

If you would like to have some sort of relationship with your sister, even if only as a 'sponsor' and you can afford it, I'd suggest a smaller monthly contribution e.g. £100 a month. I'd be questioning whether the shortfall is really that much unless it's in London or she's choosing luxury accommodation.

Kittychatcat · 12/07/2017 22:52

I'd also say no.

What do you think their response would be if the situation was reversed and you asked them for money?

userlotsanumbers · 12/07/2017 22:52

No.

Worms, can of, opening a. Re-arrange appropriately.

Original poster
JudyBlumeForever · 12/07/2017 22:55

So many good points, it's taken me a while to read through them all... I'm glad I posted, it's just one of those things where I got the phone call from my aunt today and I just couldn't really think clearly and logically and I have zero understanding of how fees/grants/loans work nowadays. But I will call my aunt tomorrow and explain my answer is no and she can pass the message on if she wants to.

OP posts:
Suewiang · 12/07/2017 22:56

Get to see and get to know you step sister first,if she wants to do that without the offer of money then you can see how things go,if you feel happy then I'd do as another poster suggested offer a loan that you can get legally drawn up.then if she carrys on having some good relationship with you then you can decide later if you want it to be a gift.
But if she's not Interested to meet you and get to know you without the offer of money then you'll know the answer is no way.

MommaGee · 12/07/2017 22:58

Everything Italiangreyhound said

georgjensen · 12/07/2017 22:59

Why can't she get a student loan like everyone else?

A student loan doesn't cover the costs. Parents are expected to contribute. The loan amount varies depending on parental income.

sobeyondthehills · 12/07/2017 23:01

There is a thread on here, its slightly different, but the basics is it involved a stepdad who raised his ex wifes children, and tried to maintain contact after the divorce. One of the children had gotten in touch throughout various stages, but only maintained the relationship on the son's side to get more and more money.

I think that if you went through with this, then you will end up feeling like this man, who was basically a cash machine and ending that financial arrangement he had gotten into was tough for him. Especially with the guilt trip that was always being laid at his feet

Laine21 · 12/07/2017 23:01

Be cautious, if it is £4000 a year over 5 years then that's £20000, but if it's a total of £4000 over the term of her degree, then that's different.

I would agree with others who say get to know your half sister before you part with a penny.

Money brings out the nasty greedy side in some people, and make sure you are not just being taken for a prize mug by sm.

jenm87 · 12/07/2017 23:01

your saying shes a stranger to you, would you walk up to someone in the street and offer to give them that kind of money?

i personally would have to get to know them before just handing it out!

what they have done is as bad as someone on here asking for it, would you give it to one of us? probably not so i would say no.

Jux · 12/07/2017 23:03

Yes education is important, and a lot of students are taking out loans which they will be repaying for the rest of their lives; a lot of other students are regretfully turning away from Uni and looing for other ways of getting qualifications because they are scare of being saddled with th amount of debt before they've even started earning

As has been posted upthread, there are other ways the half-sister can fund her Uni place.

Furthermore, one meeting won't enable op to know the girl. What if it's a scam the whole step-family are in on? What if the whole thing's a lie of sm's and she sends along a friend to pretend to be thehalf-sister?

There are too many holes that op's money can fall through, and really, if she wants to give it to someone else, there are closer people (her own children perhaps) or worthier.

gingertigercat · 12/07/2017 23:03

Fuck no! I assume she's doing medicine or similar in which case she can easily raise the £4K and more herself by working while out of term time. It won't impact on her studies and it's what 1000s of other students are doing.

Don't give her a penny!

yumyumpoppycat · 12/07/2017 23:04

I also think given you can't know for sure that she is doing the course because you have so little contact, it is really ill advised. What if she drops out in year 1 and you continue to pay her an allowance?

georgjensen · 12/07/2017 23:05

There is a lot of naivety about student loans on this thread.

The amount that you can get as a maintenance loan depends on parental income. It could be as little as £3928 for a year- that wouldnt even cover self catering halls. Parents are expected to make up the shortfall.

MikeUniformMike · 12/07/2017 23:05

If you did make up the shortfall it would snowball from there. You'd end up buying cars and paying deposits for flats and things.

If they promise to repay it, you will receive none of it.

NO.

yumyumpoppycat · 12/07/2017 23:07

You could also sponsor a stranger £20,000 towards their education - maybe go through your old uni. less chance of being continuously tapped for money that way.

Haffdonga · 12/07/2017 23:08

To give you an idea, Judy , the cost of fully catered halls for my ds in his first year was roughly equivalent to the student maintenance loan he got) based on our mid to low household income, and in his second year it was roughly equivalent to cheaper rent in a shared house plus transport, bills and self catering costs. DS had enough money to live and eat on the loan but we contributed to his beer extras.
If your SM is on a low income, her dd will probably receive enough to survive but not have any fun. (But then your SM wont be having to pay dinner money or whatever her dd has been costing her at home when she goes to uni, so is SM actually choosing not to support your sister?)

Don't be guilted into this. Just do it if you want to do a nice thing for your dsis.

SuperPug · 12/07/2017 23:09

Your stepmother sounds like a piece of work...
This would be perhaps be different if they had made an effort with you.
Your half sister is perfectly capable of taking on a job, a loan etc.
You sound like you want the best for her and I think they just see you as an ATM of sorts. If you want to give money for people in need of an education, I guess you could also donate an amount to a worthwhile charity which helps people with this? I think giving the money to your half sister will establish unnecessary ties to your family who do not want the best for you.
In terms of your stepmother's approach, I'm not sure if she would welcome the opportunity to be awful to you again.

SuperPug · 12/07/2017 23:10

Slight cross post with yum there, similar sentiment.

missymayhemsmum · 12/07/2017 23:11

Is the grandad who left you the inheritance also the grandad of your half-siblings? In which case it's not totally unreasonable to suggest that you might choose to share the money now that they are adults. But if you do it for your step sister you will have to do it for her brother.
Think about what your grandfather would have wanted you to do and what you want to do and don't be manipulated. It's down to your father and stepmother to support your half-sister through uni, not you.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 12/07/2017 23:12

No way. If SM hadn't heard about the money your grandad had left you she and your sister wouldn't be sniffing round now wanting money from you. Indeed, if you took you and your money of the equation, I'm sure they would find a way for her to do her chosen course regardless. Sod them.

And you can still feel pride without forking over money to someone. There's no price on that after all.

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