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Original poster

should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

183 replies

JudyBlumeForever · 12/07/2017 21:38

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 12/07/2017 23:20

Thank goodness youre saying no. What a cheeky request. The sheer brass neck of SM.

Save it for your own kids.

Jenna43 · 12/07/2017 23:21

Wow what bare-faced cheek SM has. She treats you like dirt and then comes asking for huge amounts of money? I'd buy her a screw for her brass neck.

Jenna43 · 12/07/2017 23:21

Haha Zen x-post

talkingtofrank · 12/07/2017 23:27

No you shouldn't.

PossumInAPearTree · 12/07/2017 23:35

If she's doing medicine she could go on the bank as a HCSW. Flexible so she chooses when she works or doesn't work. Will be a great grounding for being a doctor. Yes it would be tough but she wouldn't be the first who has had to do this.

BraveBear · 13/07/2017 01:40

I have rich relatives, ones I know and am fond of (and I assume are fond of me). It never crossed my mind to beg for funding from them for my degree. It's something that benefited me, not them.

I suspect there is some entitlement and resentment behind her contact. Perhaps she thinks part of your inheritance is rightfully her childrens' and she's trying to collect on it?

bbpp · 13/07/2017 02:21

Agree with people not understanding student loans. I'm about 4k short for next year and that's with the max loan I can get. My mum is refusing to help, though, and despite applying for over 60 jobs (think primark and pizza hut) no one wants me. Sad

BeepBeepMOVE · 13/07/2017 02:42

Tell her to take a gap year and work. Or she has the summer to make £4grand- not that hard if she still lives at home and grafts.

I would't give the money without meeting sis first to ensure it is definitely being used for the right things and to check sis is committed to course.

emmyrose2000 · 13/07/2017 04:09

No. Absolutely not. You'd be a complete mug if you did.

How did SM even know about the inheritance?

kimball · 13/07/2017 04:35

Just a question. The grandfather who left you an inheritance - is it your Dad's dad or your mum's dad? I'm leaning towards NO as the right answer but if the money came from your mum's side then it would make it sn absolute no.

SonicBoomBoom · 13/07/2017 05:35

No, don't give the money.

However, I'd try to get back in touch directly with your half sister. Hopefully you can build a relationship with her. You could then help her out with a food shop every so often or suchlike, if you wanted.

hesterton · 13/07/2017 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 13/07/2017 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriaV · 13/07/2017 06:01

Leaving aside the money, I wouldn't rekindle an unhappy relationship with DSM, it will bring back memories you don't want to revisit.
This could be the start of numerous begging letters/hassle. - more likely than the start of a loving reconciliation so not worth that risk as they are virtual strangers at the moment.

SavoyCabbage · 13/07/2017 06:09

She is using you. She's probably had her eye on your money for a long time.

She needs to get a job to pay for her daughter to go or the daughter needs to defer and save up. It can't have been a surprise to either of them that going to university costs money.

Saiman · 13/07/2017 06:09

I wouldnt. Because you will thrn be expected to help out your half brother. Then half sister might need financial help while she finds her feet in her first job.

There will be a long list of things of things they need help with.

SM has coming to you because she knows you have money. The minute you say no (wether now or in future) she will start being awful agaim and cause you more problems. Its her job to provide the shortfall.

This isnt actually for her dd. Its so she doesnt have to pay up the shortfall. I suspect your SM will provide the money anyway. But she has figured it makes her life easier if you pay it instead.

OnionKnight · 13/07/2017 06:15

Absolutely not, don't be a mug.

bluehairdryer · 13/07/2017 06:19

Nope.

Ignore.
Don't contact any of them.

If they do contact you again be brutally honest!

Cheeky fuckers.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/07/2017 06:26

Is the grandfather you inherited from their grandfather too? If so, and he left it all to you, I absolutely would help her. BUt direct to her, not through the SM.

I have younger half siblings that I didn't meet until I was 26, and haven't seen for 10years, but if they needed this sort of help and I could. Well of course I'd help them out. In fact I'm turning down a small grandparent legacy in favour of them, as they could use a bit more of a hand as they're 14/16 Yrs younger than me and could do with it more

Sushi123 · 13/07/2017 06:28

I can't believe you are even considering this. You're clearly too nice for your own good. How rude of your SM. Please please ignore the request. I do a really full on course at uni, it certainly requires many more hours than most courses, i also have a toddler and still manage a part time job!

iMatter · 13/07/2017 06:32

I'm afraid I don't agree with you OP when you say that things must be bad for her to contact you.

She's contacted you because she sees you as a cash cow and easy source of funds for her daughter.

She's treating you like a mug.

Don't do it.

londonrach · 13/07/2017 06:32

No. you sure shes doing that course and sm isnt after the money. Very rude of her to only have contract when she wants it. For that reason its a huge no. Your sister if shes doing the course can have a loan, job etc as other students.

43percentburnt · 13/07/2017 06:34

I'd be interested to know if sister had taken on summer holiday work. Depending on the area factory work at 7.50 an hour for the rest of July, August and half of September would certainly help towards it. Round here it would be very easy to get that type of work. Weekend bar work too or factory overtime to get a bit more saved.

Does step mum and your father work full time? Can they remortgage their house? Take out a loan? Or have they come to you as the easy option? These are the questions I would ask myself. I would also ask to see all the paperwork. Is this the parental contribution?

Does the course mean she cannot work next summer?

TwoLeftSocks · 13/07/2017 06:36

No. If you did and it started a relationship going with your sister, would there be a cloud over it saying she was only family for the money?

StrongerThanIThought76 · 13/07/2017 06:39

PPs have asked if it was your paternal grandparents' inheritance, and suggested that if so, then maybe a contribution could be made.

On the other hand, if your father passed away when your siblings were very young, there may have been life insurance paid out to SM - did OP see any of that cash?

The fact that you've been NC for so long under difficult conditions suggests to me that you really have no emotional ties to this part of your 'family', and certainly no obligation to finance any of them.