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Original poster

should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

183 replies

JudyBlumeForever · 12/07/2017 21:38

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

OP posts:
Dibbles1967 · 12/07/2017 22:25

Listen to your head.

Student loan all the way. Different matter if you had a close relationship, but NO.

Sorry that you have been put in this position OP, they are trying to take advantage.

If you want to do something, send a gift card for the Uni library, but fees? no way. It won't end there.

Bluesrunthegame · 12/07/2017 22:26

I'm with the more positive posters. Why not meet her and see what you think? Eighteen is young to be tracking down step-siblings, especially if she's been working hard to get on this degree course. If you want to support her but are reluctant to hand money over in case it ends up with her mother, could you do something like pay some of her rent direct to her landlord or buy books (if students still use actual books!).

Nightshirt · 12/07/2017 22:27

Also is that £4000 every year?

Collaborate · 12/07/2017 22:27

If I were you I'd try and make contact with your sister. Don't go through your step-mother.

Form your own view of her. We can't pick our family, but if she's just turned 18 I wouldn't blame her for the lack of contact.

The worry though (this being MN) is that you'll get all sort of begging requests from that side of the family. Perhaps make it a loan if you supply assistance, but really most student loans won't be fully repayable, so explore that with her first. Don't make it your problem though. It isn't.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 12/07/2017 22:27

No fucking way! I find it outrageous that-presumably 12 years later-she gets in touch to ask for money having been a huge bitch to you? No, the half sister you last saw aged 6 cn get a job like the rest of us, tough.

inlectorecumbit · 12/07/2017 22:27

No... just no
You will be thereafter their cash cow--until they bleed you dry.

WowWowDouble · 12/07/2017 22:27

It be a no from me too. She is a stranger to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

tribpot · 12/07/2017 22:27

Which grandad left you the money, maternal or paternal? I'm assuming maternal as otherwise your half-sister would have (one hopes) got an equal share of the inheritance herself.

I think I would say no. Your half-sister probably has no idea that her mother has come to you about the money. And you've no idea if saying yes to the (say) 20K is the end of it. What if your SM starts to find other reasons to start draining your inheritance?

Rafflesway · 12/07/2017 22:28

Judy, I have similarities in my background to yourself although I am considerably older.

I can't stress how much you need to say no! I fell for similar requests many years ago and it did not end well at all. I have been NC with all my family for 30 years now.

Your half sister has been of an age for several years now where she could have contacted you to re-establish a relationship. She has chosen not to. Sorry to be harsh but you are only of any interest to them now because you have money. Sad

errorofjudgement · 12/07/2017 22:28

Another No here.
Your sister will have completed the funding forms, and on the basis of your step-mum's income, the Student Loans Authority have calculated the amount they will loan and they expect your step-mum to make up the difference.
Not you.
Please don't do this, keep the money, and if at a later time your step-sister gets in touch and a proper family relationship develops, then you can always offer to help pay off some of her debt, or make a contribution to a house deposit. But that will be coming from a healthy emotional place, not the negative guilt place you're being made to feel now.

sparechange · 12/07/2017 22:28

Also, if the shoe was on the other foot, and your half sister had come into some money at the time that you needed £4k a year for an urgent expense (stopping a house repossession, urgent medical treatment not available on the NHS, that sort of thing), what sort of response do you think you would get from your stepmother if you phoned out of the blue and asked for the cash?

Doilooklikeatourist · 12/07/2017 22:30

No , do not give her anything
It's up to her mother to help fund her , not you
Saying this as a mother with 2 DC ar uni

228agreenend · 12/07/2017 22:30

Does stepmum work? Can she find an extra job to pay the shortfall?

Have you spoken to sis? If so, maybe get in contact with her? Find out more about what's going on?

Is it £4000 every year? If so, that's £20000 over five years? Is it a gift or a loan? How would,you feel ,if you gave the £4000 and then she spent all the time in the bar, not working etc? What about extra requests to pay for books, equipment etc?

Have you read the relatively recent thread about a dad who parted company with ex and her son, and has had little contact since (not by choice). The only time he gets in contact is when he wants money. He is never willing to meet up. All the time he says that the money is to turn his life around and without it, he won't be able,to move forward.

think carefully, very carefully. Maybe give a nominal, smaller gift, but you are not responsible for her.

supersop60 · 12/07/2017 22:31

No.

blankface · 12/07/2017 22:31

If you do follow your heart OP, then make sure the course is legit, she is on it and you're not being taken for a ride.

Arrange to pay the money directly from your bank in instalments which you can cancel at any time. ensure it's paid direct to the uni, so none of your family actually get their hands on it and make sure you get an official receipt for every transaction.

Place conditions on more money being available only if she passes certain levels of the course, make sure she knows any failures or dropping out and the money stops instantly.

Make it a condition of your help that when she can afford to she has to repay the money and it will be used as a bursary for another hardworking but broke student, who will in turn pay it back, rinse and repeat.

Good Luck in making a wise decision Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 12/07/2017 22:32

No no no no no.

With a side order of fuck off

Onedaysoooon · 12/07/2017 22:32

People don't generally support their siblings financially through university do they? Even if they are brought up together. I can't believe the cheek.

iogo · 12/07/2017 22:33

Another NO for the pile.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 12/07/2017 22:33

Sorry OP but I think they're taking the piss.
I did a 5 year engineering degree averaging 32hrs of lectures a week before all of the independent work. I got a loan like everyone else and worked during my summers and weekends to supplement my income.

The student loan rules now are actually more generous up front than they were in my day, as I understand it they cover both tuition and a chunk of maintenance. £4K is about £350-400 a month allowing for holidays. Where/what is she studying that her costs will be so high above her loan amount?

Willow2017 · 12/07/2017 22:34

Just no.

The shortfall is because of SMs family income. Sister can also get a student loan same as everyone else. Until she is earning x amount of a wage she doesn't even need to pat it back so she might never have to.

They haven't even acknowledged you in 10 years why on earth would you feel any obligation
Plus you are non contact with SM for a reason they never treated you as family more like a guest twice a year so tell them to do one. They are not trying to build bridges they are using you to get cash. Stay NC.

MadamePomfrey · 12/07/2017 22:34

I'm just going to add to the no's maybe if you sister had asked and wanted to form a relationship but they just seem to want you for your money! It may not impact you know but what about when your DC want to go to uni/get married/buy houses. It's an expensive world how will you feel when things come up that you could have used the money for but it's not there because you gave it to someone you have zero to do with! A lot of people struggle with uni on all kinds of courses there are things in place to help students she will sort something!

LoveCakesandWine · 12/07/2017 22:34

No for all the reasons mentioned

Willow2017 · 12/07/2017 22:34

Pay not pat!!

Jux · 12/07/2017 22:35

No! Other students don't even have someone like you to ask for help from? What do you think they do? They get loans, that's what they do.

How do you know your half sister is doing this course?
How do you know she needs the money?
Only through your step-mother, whom you have had no contact with because she treated you so badly when you were a defenceless child.

Go to your closest University, and donate 4K.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 12/07/2017 22:35

Gonna say a great big fat NO. The idea that she needs £4k a year to make up a shortfall for uni is phooey. You get means tested loans, grants are available, you get a job (my course was very full on but I still worked) and you learn to stand on your own two feet. You don't attempt to squeeze money out of someone you treated badly and haven't spoken to for years.

If you do give to your half sister, you would end up being convinced to give to your other half sibling too.