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Original poster

should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

183 replies

JudyBlumeForever · 12/07/2017 21:38

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

OP posts:
LanaDReye · 12/07/2017 22:35

No

Pantryboy · 12/07/2017 22:35

Your grandad left you the money for your use and for your dc use. I can't believe you are even considering this it is so unreasonable of you, he would have left her some money if he had wanted it to go to her.

sparechange · 12/07/2017 22:35

If this £4k was really the difference between her being able to do the course, or not, she could defer for a year and take a gap year, and get a job - any job, and save

Even on a minimum wage job while keeping her outgoings low, she could save £8k if not more
She could contribute £2k a year and the SM £2k a year, and they are all sorted for the majority of the course without coming around with the begging bowl

Resideria · 12/07/2017 22:35

Don't do it. Nothing good will come out of it. Why can't your half-sister be funded through a maintenance loan? If the situation was genuinely difficult, she could defer and work for a year to save up money. It's not your responsibility, and I can't believe your step'mum' is getting in touch with you to ask for money.

strawberrypenguin · 12/07/2017 22:37

No. Look at it another way - would you pay for a complete stranger to go to uni. That's essentially what this young woman is to you.

Your step mother cut you out of her family and now only wants you as a cash cow. Don't do it. It will never stop once she knows she can get money from you.

BraveBear · 12/07/2017 22:37

That's what loans are for!

Your DSM has only decided you are worthy of being family when she wants/needs thousands of pounds? She has a serious hide! And then what about the other sibling? Do not be at all surprised if you agree to this and then find yourself with a demand for an equal amount for the other sibling, or demands for weddings/cars/whatever else. No good deed goes unpunished. I'll just remind you of that now before you make your decision Wink

antimatter · 12/07/2017 22:37

the 4K which my dd's loan doesn't cover I as a residential parent have to cover

does it mean that SM has got no means to support her daughter?

what about the other sibling? supporting one and not other may the only thing you can afford

Few weeks ago on MN was a thread from a desperate step father whose step son was milking for money. Not even wanting any contact for many years.

if you were not in touch what about the rest of your fathers family. Has anyone been seeing them? Aunts or uncles?
Is it possible that the SM is trying to scam you? In that other thread people suspected that the person who was contacting the step-dad was his ex and not the step-son. Maybe she isn't but you have to be careful.

trulybadlydeeply · 12/07/2017 22:38

You haven't seen her since she was 6 and you're expected to hep find her education??? Sorry but it's really not your responsibility. If she wants to rekindle the relationship, great, offer love and emotional support. But please don't be played for a fool. Flowers

yumyumpoppycat · 12/07/2017 22:38

No, it will just get messy. as others have said student loan.

Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 22:38

Only if you are prepared to pay for her top notch wedding, and the raising of all her future dc. .

The bank of op will be forever open in their eyes and you won't be able to say no. .

Starlight2345 · 12/07/2017 22:39

The sad thing about this post is there is no suggestion that half sister wants any sort of relationship with you.

They know about your money and want it..

JeffStellingsLeftEyebrow · 12/07/2017 22:39

Nopey McNopeFace

DramaAlpaca · 12/07/2017 22:39

Absolutely not, for all the reasons above.

yumyumpoppycat · 12/07/2017 22:41

... and you mention paying your other half sibling an allowance too - that just sounds like craziness.

Cricrichan · 12/07/2017 22:42

No no.

As people have stated, her mum could take a weekend job or she could defer her start for a year and save ebough money to fund her course - along with weekend/summer jobs. You're not at all obliged to bail her out and they've never wanted to know before.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 12/07/2017 22:43

If you really feel strongly about helping how about a 1/2 way solution? JudyB Could you stipulate only contact with your sister and offer her a no-interest loan? But getting it all properly documented (if you can afford this). This would respect your G'dad's bequest, legally rooters the money (as this sort of course should lead to good employment) and gives you future options if one day you decide to forgive the loan.

Just a suggestion & I know nothing about finance or the law around this. But sounds like you're conflicted and needing other options.

MikeUniformMike · 12/07/2017 22:43

So there's a shortfall of 4k a year. The shortfall may be more in future years. So you're looking at a minimum of 20K. Probably more.
And you have another half sibling. It would be a bit mean to give one half-sibling money without giving the other one the same.

The answer is NO. No. No. No.

tararabumdeay · 12/07/2017 22:44

2nd generation Cinderella.

Abusing step father took all my loyal and lovely Mother's money and gave it to his ugly children.

PoorYorick · 12/07/2017 22:44

No, don't do it. You'll have to pay for both of them for anything they want forever because "you can afford it". Don't set this precedent.

Maybe a graduation gift for both of them as a one off but nothing more than that.

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2017 22:45

Jusy "Plus my head is in a complete mess just from even hearing my stepmums name mentioned. My instinctive reaction is to deny her anything she wants, but it's actually my sister (who I have zero issues with) that needs the help."

If you want to re establish a relationship with your half sister then I would not make it about money. You could ask your aunt to ask for your step sister's contact details, make it clear you do not want to be in contact with the mum and make it clear you have no spare cash but just see if the aunt can get contact details.

Then I'd make contact with my half sister making it clear there was no spare money but you were interested in her course etc.

Her mum could have told her all kinds of lies about you.

I would not give her any money. But I would be open to a friendship. You clearly want the friendship, maybe you could even look into trusts or grants for her, etc but not pay for her yourself.

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2017 22:45

Judy sorry!

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2017 22:46

half sister... sorrry

Cameila · 12/07/2017 22:46

I say yes. Education is important & ideally no one should go wanting for it if she deserves it. She's your sister if you can help her, I don't see why it's wrong to help. In fact you will have gone a very noble thing. It's a good idea to meet her first though, just so you know the person you're doing this for.
And about her not contacting you ever- She's 18, still a child, I don't think she can be judged for not keeping in touch with you. She has grown up seeing her mum NC with you, it's only when she comes into her own, goes to uni, starts living independently will she really be an adult. That's when she can decide on her relationship with you.
Go for it Judy, it's a great thing to do. Help her.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/07/2017 22:48

Absolutely not. She can get a student loan like everyone else surely? Student loans are means tested so if your SM is on a low income your half sister will get proportionally more. She'll still have to pay it back of course, but only when she has the income to do so. Your cheeky SM is trying to pull a fast one. Her loan could be boosted by a part time job. I don't think there is any course which is so full on there isn't the capacity to do work in the holidays, if not a few hours during term time. Don't be a mug and let this woman treat you like a cash cow.

MadamePomfrey · 12/07/2017 22:48

I agree if you want to build a relationship with your sister then it should not be based around money! Give it some time then maybes ask aunt to pass details on to your sister to see if she wants a relationship!