should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

[JudyBlumeForever]

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

Plus won't it be 4K every year of the degree?

What course is it? Unless it's medicine or maybe vet school I can't see why she can't get a part time job. I know nursing students who work part time and that's a full on course.

Agree with other posters that she should get a part time job like everyone else at uni does. She needs to work hard not have everything handed to her on a silver platter because her mums gone begging

Oh what a situation - I'd say no. There's another sister and as pps have said, when will it stop?

Sorry OP i'm a no too, she's not been bothered with you before now. Enjoy your money

Sorry, Judy, but in our household (step-siblings and me), one of the s/s getting money meant the other had a fit until they got it too, then they started playing 'poor me', i can't afford to 'x', so my parents would give them money, then the other would demand it as well... and it has become a culture. They generally don't bother to contact my parents on significant days (birthdays, father's day, etc), but coincidentally when they are in touch, it's always seems to be time that a bill is due, or they want to go on holidays (and want some money to pay for it) etc etc. it's my parent's money to spend as they see fit, but i don't think it's actually helped them at all.

Not a hope, no way! She is using you. Your sister could have made the effort all these years and failing that she could have at least had the good grace to come begging herself, on yer bike there love, no chance

Is your Dad still alive?

No I wouldn't hand over any money. You don't know them and are NC with SM. SM should have saved for her. Children if she didn't want them to be reliant on loans.

Possum i work in a vets, every one of the team i work with had jobs for the whole time while studying! Cinema, Starbucks, Waitress, Farm work - its a ridiculously intense course but most still work around it.

I would say make contact - she might not even want the help, it may be SM pushing for the cash. I would push for contact and see how genuine it all is. Sounds like they just want your money.

Absolutely fucking not! She can get a student loan like everyone else! If she had a relationship with you and you offered to help her out then that would be different, I can't believe the cheek of your SM! I earn a slightly above average wage and my DD1 is going to uni this year. She's due to get around £9000. I am a single parent but I know that the amount for children of friends who earn twice as much isn't much less. DD is going to a top uni (fingers crossed she gets in) and the accommodation for this uni is around half of her grant/loan. I can't afford to help her financially so she'll also have to get a part time job to support herself just as I had to. The second time I also had 2 small children! Tell them where to go! Bloody cheek!

NO NO NO

Aaargh, so many people saying no. Which is what my head is saying. But my heart is saying the opposite. It's a 5 or 6 year course, and it's bloody amazing she got accepted into it and part of me felt proud when I heard the news, so I'm obviously not completely emotionally detached from step sis.

I'm not sure whether she even knows her mum is phoning round trying to cover the shortfall. But things must be bad if my step mum is coming begging to me, I just feel like its a last resort type action of her.

Plus my head is in a complete mess just from even hearing my stepmums name mentioned. My instinctive reaction is to deny her anything she wants, but it's actually my sister (who I have zero issues with) that needs the help.

Not a chance! The lack of funding will be because it is now means tested and based upon parental income, the idea is parents help towards costs if they are seen to afford it. The course will be covered by loans.
The sister could've made an effort before now to contact you, a Facebook request is simple. I think Step mum is out of line asking you to fund this when you are NC anyway, she is looking for an easy cash boost!
Ultimately the choice is yours though but I wouldn't give any money in these circumstances

I think it's lovely that you are considering contributing to your step sister's university costs but you do seem to have simply accepted that what you have been told is true. Why isn't her mother supporting her? Where is your / her father and what support is he giving her? Has she really been accepted on this course etc?

NoCabbage no, my dad died around the same time I had to go no contact with SM

Absolutely not. Nobody expects siblings to fund university, even if they have a normal family relationship with each other.
As somebody else said her mother is meant to supplement up to the full allowance from her income, and where is your father in all this?

Sorry cross post regarding your dad.

Hell no!

When you burn bridges, you burn the possibility of coming begging in the future.

Every time you are tempted to give the money, remind yourself of what she said to you in your 20s.

Also, if you do this for 1 sister, you know you will be expected to do this for the other.
And then there will be more requests for more money to cover other things - see the long running thread re a ex-step son begging for money after years and years of NC for example...

They don't see you as a family member. They see you as a cash point who can be tapped up on their command and follow their instructions, because you are still beneath them. If they wanted to actually mend bridges, they wouldn't have come straight out with this blunt request for cash with no offer of meeting up and apologising

No save it for your own family when you have one.

Is there a different option... for example if you want to gift the money, put it into a separate account that you plan to give her once she finishes her studies. That way you could form a relationship over the coming years and make a decision as to the money later on.

Personally I wouldn't do it.

My feeling is that there is no obligation for you to give them anything. However if you feel you want to I would insist that your dsis contact you herself and would only consider it if she is prepared to rekindle a relationship with you.

No

The idea os that SM tops up the money, so SM needs to get a extra job if she thinks your half sister needs the money that badly, not put the pressure on you.
Your half aister can also get a job, I know plenty of medicine students who also work. Ditto engineers, vets and other full on long degree courses.

No way in hell. Save it for your own children' futures.

Can you get in touch with your Stepsister directly and ask if she'd like to go to lunch/dinner sometime? And maybe see if a relationship is salvageable?

She can take out a student loan to cover the shortfall. SUmmer jobs, etc. And if you two do become 'sisters' again after all these years, you can make an offer to pay off some of her loans down the road ... if no relationship is rebuilt, then you know she only wanted money and you don't have to offer anything.