should i pay towards my half sisters uni costs?

[JudyBlumeForever]

It's a long one but I don't want to drip feed... Wasn't sure where to put this as its a bit relationship, a bit money matters and a bit AIBU so sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic.

Backstory; I am NC with my stepmother, my dad and her got together and had 2 dc but I was never allowed to be part of their 'family'. The relationship between her and my dad ended and id be allowed to stay with her and my brother and sister for one week every summer and a few days over Christmas but very low contact apart from that. When I was in my early 20s she said something shudderingly unforgivable and I cut her out of my life completely; this meant having no contact with my half siblings as it would have to go through her.

So I have 2 half siblings but never had a family type bond with either of them and zero contact for over a decade. They are complete strangers to me and I wouldn't recognize them now.

Yesterday one of my aunts got a phone call out of the blue from my stepmother. It transpires that my sister is going to university but her funding won't cover all the costs (rent, transport, food, books, etc) and there is around a 4k shortfall a year. The course my sister is doing is very full on and not one that can really have a part time job running along side it. Stepmother was after my contact details as she knows my granddad left me a quite substantial inheritance and out of all the people she knows I'm pretty much the only one who can cough up the dosh without it really affecting my life/bank balance. So she wants to know if I'll cover the shortfall. My aunt refused to pass on my phone number but said she'd pass along the request.

I'm really fucking torn. I hate the SM has tried to get in touch with me, but, and it's a big BUT I'm wondering if I should transfer my sister some cash as a monthly allowance (so not a huge lump sum) as its a difficult course and I feel her degree is very worthwhile and I can afford it. But she's practically a stranger to me (last time I saw her she was 6), the request hasn't come from her, and I continue to want zero dealings with SM. But education is so important and I know I am fortunate to have left uni with no debt, and it's not my sisters fault SM hasn't saved towards a uni fund and can't afford to help.

So should I pay? Should I ignore? Should I try and get in touch with my sister to make sure its not some weird scam? And if I pay then is it fair on my other sibling or should I start paying him an allowance too?

Bit late to the thread and the OP has made, her very correct, decision.

I concur with all,the other posters that have said so because;

A) It is because of the Stepmothers household income that the DD has a shortfall of 4K a year in student loans. It is means tested, this is what we have to contribute towards our DDs student living because we earn too much. REMEMBER - she has access to too MUCH to get the full maintenance loan. She is wanting you to pick up the shortfall when she should.

B) Your step or half sister has never made contact with you nor has SM maintained or attempted to maintain contact with you. Irrespective of any disagreement between you two she has never kept you informed of your step/half sibling lives, otherwise you would have been aware of how well she has done at school.

C) This will be a drain on your money for years, the step/half sister can get a part time job, she can also get a student overdraft and apply for grants if she is a justified case. She I said not the only person in the world who is doing this course, or any other for that matter, and finding it a bit tough to manage. She needs to learn.

D) Why oh why would you reinstate a connection with the evil woman who was so vile when you were younger.

Please don't OP, like another poster said, if you feel strongly about a financial contribution to education, gift one to a local university for use in a department that has a special meaning to you so it can be used towards a grant for students suffering real financial hardship, which can make a difference to their lives.

You sound a lovely person don't be mugged off.

You have a good heart, BUT put it in an iron box, assuming it is true, it is outrageous, even if your sister couldnt conact you before, she is now an adult she could have got in contact with your Aunt before now. it is like all those distant relatives and ex H and W coming out of the woodwork when someone wins the lottery. I expect David Beckham could afford to re-house they poor guys at Grenville Tower, but I doubt if he feels guilty because he isnt doing it. Actually seriously, donate money to charity and tell them its gone there (to charity)

So tough and triggering so many emotions. Have pm'd you.

I'd be asking myself would she do the same for you if you were in the same situation as them?

Judy

You have made the right decision (IMO).

It also sounds like you have a very clued up aunt. (for not giving out your details).

No
But if you like your sister then give her a one off payment of 500 quid
But make it clear that it is just that
You sm is a charm!

Glad you have decided not to- she can do what everyone else does with loans, working etc.

Say No! I know it seems mean, but these people are only contacting you now to use you. DP received a large inheritance and distant NC family members all crawled out of the woodwork to get what they could out of him by lying and pulling on his heart strings just after he had lost his mother, to the tune of £50k and once they had the money and he said no to additional requests they disappeared again. If the sister wants your help she could have asked herself, she didn't so don't even consider it unless she comes to you.

So many good points, it's taken me a while to read through them all... I'm glad I posted, it's just one of those things where I got the phone call from my aunt today and I just couldn't really think clearly and logically and I have zero understanding of how fees/grants/loans work nowadays. But I will call my aunt tomorrow and explain my answer is no and she can pass the message on if she wants to.

Good. Don't become your aunt's cash cow-she sounds horrid!

Don't do it. If it really preys on your mind and you feel bad, buy her a starting uni present and leave it at that. If you hadn't inherited money would they be having anything to do with you? Doesn't sound like it.
Treat yourself to something

In case you needed it, another one adding a resounding "nope!" to the chorus. Serve up a Nope sandwich with extra Nope sauce, give her a Nope-bell prize and then a map saying "all roads lead to Nope!"

I did medicine as a 6 year degree with an intercalated science degree - got a job weekends and holidays for the first three years and then worked weekends and bank shifts as a phlebotomist / HCA for the last 3. My parents couldn't afford to give me anything so I relied on the max loans I could get, working and knowing when the vege market stalls started discounting it all. I had a great time, I passed each year and I even managed to buy and run a car.

If DStepSis needs cash it's because her mother is meant to support her. There's no way they'd be trying to contact you if they weren't aware you had money. You'd still be living in blissful silence if they knew nothing about the inheritance. Your gf left it to you, for you. Your children may need it some day, even if you don't right now.

Honestly, I wouldn't and I wouldn't feel bad for it.

Good decision, op
I would say no
Your half sister will have to get a job and an overdraft and her mother will have to support her daughter
It's not your responsibility
Especially given the history

Just saw your answer op 🙂

So glad it's a 'no', OP.

You would be denying your DSSis some valuable life experience by giving her a cushier ride than her peers. If she has to work she might meet lifelong friends or even the love of her life at work instead of uni. Working to get through her education could be the making of her, especially if she's been raised by a vile entitled cow like DSM.

Do her a favour by keeping your money

This is a good lesson for your stepmother that actions have consequences even if it's many years down the line. I think I'd have to make that point to her via your aunt if I were you!

Absolutely not now.

However, I would aim to reestablish contact with my adult siblings. And (if it's no financial burden to you) possibly put a monthly amount aside that you can give her as a graduation present. Or offer to pay off one of her loans when she graduates. Not before. And I wouldn't tell her before she graduates that this is the plan.

No way would I. She is out to use you, it's not your responsibility to fund a half sister. The way you were kept at arms length makes me think she wouldn't help you.

If you did this, you'd have to do it for your other Dsib too, though.

Harsh as it sounds, I wouldn't. Firstly, you have no proof that this is genuine - it could just be your sm scamming you, and from what you say I wouldn't dismiss this possibility.
Secondly, although you say you could afford this, could you afford it for both siblings for the full length of the degree? It's a big commitment and how do you know you won't need the money for yourself / your dcs etc?
Thirdly, What happens if for some reason you need to withdraw support part say through the degree? What contingency plans do they have in place? And are you ready for the inevitable fall out from the sm if that happens?
Fourthly, what guarantee will you have that after the degree, you won't be asked to help 'get them on the property ladder', help by a car, help with a further allowance whilst sibling 'gets established in her career'?
Finally, if the grandparent who left you this money had wanted to give any to your siblings they could have done so or left you explicit instructions that the intention was for you to make provision. How do you know they did not? And if not, they have had the opportunity and tine to do so and chose not to.
I feel for you, it's a difficult situation to be in, but I would have to say no.
Someone once said to me that all wealth is relative - the more wealth you gain, the more relatives you gain! I think this may be the case for you.

Handing over such a sum as the first kind of contact in years would poison your relationship with both your half sisters forever. Frankly it may be poisoned anyway but there is a hope if they don't know their mother is being so brass necked.

Tell your aunt you can't possibly agree to funding given that you barely know the girl, but that you would love to get to know your half sister now that it is possible to do so without having to be in contact with your step-mum. So ask the aunt to give your email address to your sister on the understanding that this is not info to be shared with the step-mum.

No effing way.
Just no.
Dear god, honestly, the nerve of some people.

Hell to the no! Money grabbers

There are three options.
(1) You contribute, for what ever they request which at 4 k per year = is 16k in total. The request will certainly increase after the first year due to inflation, price of books etc.
(2) You contribute half the request (2k per year) and the SM contributes 2k per year.
(3) Lastly, you dont contribute anything.
You need to be happy with whatever option you choose - the guilt part shouldnt feature in this. Personally it is quite strange that you, as a sibling, are being asked to contribute - it should be the parents sorting this out (your Dad and SM). I've seen a lot of money scams in families (from the nonworking part asking money from the working part).

Glad you've decided not to