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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on Tinder

182 replies

sunshiney78 · 12/07/2017 14:39

My single friend just informed me that she saw my husband on Tinder. I downloaded the app and can see that's he's there. We were separated for a few months a year ago. Is it possible that this is his profile from then??!!😨

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 14/07/2017 23:35

Is this some sort of breakdown (not that it would excuse the shitey behaviour)? He seems entirely batshit and without sort of "adult"ness to his behaviours.

Good for you for standing firm; it shouldn't matter what he does next, he's broken your trust, his marriage vows and his fidelity. The blame lies at his door.

SSYMONDS · 14/07/2017 23:36

Ugh. You deserve so much more than this. Everyone deserves so much more than this.

HalfShellHero · 15/07/2017 07:04

Oh god sounds ridiculous youre well rid OP! Well done for staying strong! x

Outdoorsy5644 · 15/07/2017 07:24

Hope it all goes smoothly today - enjoy a beautiful day out with DD and that fuckwit has removed himself completely on your return.

Oh, and maybe this morning is the ideal time to call your STBX-MIL and let her know that there are no hard feelings between you, but you couldn't stay with a man who thought it was ok to use dating sites whilst married.

GeekyWombat · 15/07/2017 08:51

Oh, and maybe this morning is the ideal time to call your STBX-MIL and let her know that there are no hard feelings between you, but you couldn't stay with a man who thought it was ok to use dating sites whilst married.

So tempting!

Good luck for today OP!

TatianaLarina · 15/07/2017 08:58

Maybe blondes get more hits on tinder?

Not peroxide at 45. Pity is more likely.

Neutrogena · 15/07/2017 09:11

Just speak to him. Don't get involved with all this cloak and dagger shit others are suggesting. Be a grown up and not a toy town detective.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/07/2017 11:30

Oh dear lord, that is hilarious. He is a fool for trying to dictate the terms of your relationship right up until the last moment. You're doing so well.

I have no idea how you're not sniggering every time you see his hair.

I hope it all goes smoothly for you. It's easy to laugh, but none of this is easy. Look after yourself

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 15/07/2017 12:26

I took DD out this morning & I'm back now. He's gone. I know he's a shit, but I feel so bereft. I can't believe it's over. I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there for the rest of the day, but I have DD. I think if it was once when we did discuss separation, I would be able to move past it, but so many times? And for so long? Someone please remind me why I'm throwing away the life I've always wanted.

OP posts:
Bant · 15/07/2017 12:35

You're not throwing it away. He did that.

What was on offer was a life where you'd given him permission to cheat every time you disagreed with him, and that's not acceptable.

So you're not throwing away the life you wanted, you're choosing between the lesser of two evils

deckoff · 15/07/2017 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/07/2017 12:40

You aren't throwing it away. He is.

If you 'got past it', he would have trained you into never, ever having an argument with him for fear he would 'consider it was over' and go straight to the first dating site to catch his eye.

His sheer entitlement makes me boggle. Even if (and it's a huge 'if') he did consider your relationship was over, what's wrong with taking a bit of time-out to regroup and work out for himself what went wrong? Rather than just jumping straight back in to looking for a shag...

Smeaton · 15/07/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/07/2017 13:24

You wanted a life with a loving husband, you didn't have that. You had a life with a man who had no respect for you at all. He will never be the person you thought he was.

Of course you need to grieve for the relationship. Of course you are sad and low. This is the hard bit. It gets easier from here. You will be happy again. You will be able to live without worrying who he is talking to behind your back. Make sure you keep eating and try to look after yourself.

The adrenaline can carry you through the break up, but you need to rest afterwards

GeekyWombat · 15/07/2017 15:23

He threw it away being a dick on Tinder.

You can get through this and you'll end up with a happier life and hopefully someone who appreciates you.

In the meantime be strong, but most importantly be gentle on yourself. It's understandable to be grieving for the man you thought he was.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 15/07/2017 15:35

What did people do before Mumsnet?!?!?!FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers to you all. xxx

OP posts:
TempusEejit · 15/07/2017 15:52

Everything smeaton and fuckyouchris said. He was not the life you wanted and once the dust has settled and you start to detach emotionally more and more things will slot into place about his behaviours and you'll realise he was always capable of acting like this. You have thrown away nothing more than a cheating argumentative tosspot.

You are well rid - stay strong!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/07/2017 15:54

Ha, before mumsnet I was in a miserable marriage thinking it was normal.

Mumsnet gave me permission to leave.

I'm now happily married to a genuinely lovely man and cannot believe what I put up with for so long Smile

kaitlinktm · 15/07/2017 15:55

If Mumsnet had been around 20 years ago my life would have been so different!

LesisMiserable · 15/07/2017 16:02

Look its obvious that you had suggested separating more than once in the past to him, so now you just have to remind yourself this is what you wanted, it came to a head and now you are where you actually wanted to be. Dwelling on what it could have been like is pointless. It wasnt a good relationship and it wasnt serving you.

PoorYorick · 15/07/2017 17:35

Someone please remind me why I'm throwing away the life I've always wanted.

Because it's not the life you always wanted. You wanted a life with a kind, decent man, not a pompous ass who treats you and your family with such utter contempt.

thefourgp · 15/07/2017 21:16

Stay strong OP. Cry, go for walks, spend more time with friends and family, treat yourself. He'll have a few disastrous dates/one night stands then realise what a fool he's been and come back begging for you to forgive him. Please don't do it. You and your child deserve better. You said it yourself, he's just not a nice person. Xx

Mrstumbletap · 15/07/2017 21:38

In a few years you will be on here talking about your crappy ex husband telling us how you are gloriously happy with your new man and can't believe you put up with his crap.

supermumofmany · 16/07/2017 00:51

Does his mother know about the cheating on his ex wife before you ? It would be hard to deny its happened again and ended his second marriage over cheating! Im single and been on tinder and seen quite a few married men of friends, school dad's I know are married as have their wives on Facebook. Even know of a work friend who's husband I'm so tempted to swipe right on and give him a nice shake up. You deserve much better then this lying cheat who as far as I've read has no true remorse for his action and feels justified in his use of tinder and the poor treatment of his wife. You can do better and you will

indigox · 16/07/2017 00:59

Someone please remind me why I'm throwing away the life I've always wanted.

Being miserable with a dick of a husband who would take every opportunity to cheat is the life you've always wanted?