Husband on Tinder

[sunshiney78]

My single friend just informed me that she saw my husband on Tinder. I downloaded the app and can see that's he's there. We were separated for a few months a year ago. Is it possible that this is his profile from then??!!😨

Yes he does think I'm calling his bluff. His humming to himself this morning!? And says "do I HAVE to move my stuff, or are you going to change your mind in a few days? Because once I'm gone, I'm not coming back" He maintains that we were over at those times, so I'm being crazy.

He maintains that we were over at those times, so I'm being crazy.

Gaslighting. Typical shitty cheater behaviour.

Make sure to change the locks as soon as he's out the door. You don't want him coming back of his own accord and claiming he never really left.

And that last update is exactly what I was talking about!!!

Do I have to move my stuff out as once I'm gone I'm not coming back!!!

Say yes of course you do and I'm well aware once you've gone your not welcome back. That's my intention and walk away. X

So he's re-writing history too now. What a peach! Stay strong OP. Resist engaging with him. Once he's gone you can breathe.

He really does think he's the dog's bollocks doesn't he - as if the mere threat that you'd lose him forever, is enough to make you beg him to stay...

If you didn't already know you're married to an arrogant sod, you know now - hope that will give you strength to hold firm and send him on his way, even when he switches tack to puppy dog eyes and begging. In fact you could even save some of his lines to remind him of then - eg 'what happened to 'if I leave I'm never coming back''?

Jesus, the guy really does think very highly of himself, he's actually continuing to take the piss without any remorse at all, as I said already, this should make it easy for you OP, he's blatantly showing you he gives not a shit for your feelings; and be aware he's probably be messaging women for years, his attitude now is certainly pointing to that, every time you have an issue, he goes sniffing elsewhere, that's lovely eh.

Well rid.

Bloody hell. "Just opened an app a few times"?!? If it was an app for painting, he might have a point. But it's an app for cheating (for him, not generally). Discussing separation is in no way ending a relationship and he was bang out of order.

It sounds like he doesn't care and I honestly cannot see how you can continue with this man. Every time you have an argument he's going to look for new women? If you go through a sex dry spell he's going to be going through Tinder to see what's on there? Fuck that. If he can move on so quickly, that says he's not committed to your relationship.

Run, OP, and fast. Don't look back, this man is trouble.

Just received this from him "I will explain once, and once only. If you are interested in discussing it with a view to resolution I’m happy to discuss more, but otherwise there is no point. So I opened Tinder and looked at it. No more than that, nobody was messaged. I did it when I was single, never when we were together. I have opened it when single a few times. It’s not the most mature response, but it’s a way for me to feel a tiny bit of control, and to feel like I could have a future single. All too often you end our relationship with me having no control or say. It’s always the end and I’m left single, never a position I want to be in whenever you decide you want a divorce. Am I sorry? I’m don’t think I’m wrong, I’m single after all, and it’s you that makes me single and I have little say. Am I sorry it hurt you? Yes of course, that is never my objective. It’s a coping mechanism for me when you end our marriage. I have never done it when we are together, only ever when you end it. That’s it. I hope that gives you understanding and closure on the matter. If it doesn’t? Well if we are never going to be together that’s the best I can offer I’m afraid, and it’s the simple truth - I don’t lie. "
Every time he mentions being "single"- I can think of 1 of those times when we discussed separation. I can't remember discussing separation the other times, maybe to him it felt like it was over.

I didn't think he cheated before, but I'm not sure. A bit naive as he cheated on his first wife.

He has now cheated on you, believe me! My ex cheated on every GF he had prior to me. I stupidly thought I was different, special. We got married. Turned out he cheated before the wedding, and went on to have several affairs during. I only had the courage to throw him out when the children got older.

4 years on, never happier, with a gorgeous man who is twice the man my ex will ever be. When you are with someone you trust, whose phone/ emails etc you don't need to check I can't tell you how great it feels.

My ex is re marrying and has already cheated on his fiancée!! She took him back, knowing his history. He has been seen on a dating site since they got back, no one wants to be the one to tell her.

Leopards don't change their spots. He will do this again.

Don't waste anymore time on this loser. Be strong, and get out. Best thing I ever did. Hugs OP xx

But he wasn't single...HE WAS MARRIED!

Big deep breath, text him back and tell him that as a "single" man he can pack his stuff and move out tonight.

OP I am furious at him on your behalf...what an utter fucking guttersnipe.

That's is one sorry sorry excuse for cheating, I mean he considers himself single the day his marriage ends, goes on Tinder and probably POF seeking out potentials, without a thought for the embarrassment and humiliation you have to face, I bet he's been seen all over dating sites cos it sounds to me the minute you complain to the point you want to end things, his answer is to go looking elsewhere, regardless of splitting, the man has zero commitment to you OP, in fact, he makes a farce out of marriage.

If he's 'looked' that often in the past, and continues in the future to 'look' each time your relationship is going through a bad patch then he'll eventually see something that he likes the 'look' of.

He isn't committed to your relationship.

Who's to say that all that 'looking' in the past didn't contribute towards the bad times in your relationship?

I suppose it comes down to how much you want to make it work, and how much you believe his minimising.

Something seriously not right about a married man that considers himself single every time he falls out with his wife, it's just an excuse to cheat I'm afraid.

Something seriously not right about a married man that considers himself single every time he falls out with his wife, it's just an excuse to cheat I'm afraid.

Absolutely - perhaps you should tell him this.

He is no loss OP, if you could but see it.

I'd respond with:-

"Whether you think it's cheating or not doesn't really matter. Finding out that every time we argue or discuss the possibility of separating you consider yourself single means that we are fundamentally incompatible, because I didn't.

"I don't believe for one second that if I had slept with someone else last week, you would be assuring me that it was fine for me to do that, because I was single.

"I don't know anybody who would be cool with their husband or wife being on Tinder. It's quite a basic boundary. Since I now know that you do not share my boundaries when it comes to fidelity, there is no going back. I am not interested in how you justify your actions to yourself, it's not relevant to my decision about where my line is. You have crossed that line time and again. It is over.

"Yes I will be expecting you to pack up all your stuff this week and take it away with you.

"Just to be clear. You are now single."

From what you're saying it does sound quite manipulative and gaslighting behaviour he's doing. He's patronising you and telling you how you "should" act/feel instead of listening to you. I don't generally say things like this, but those types of characteristics are pretty toxic and ive been in a relationship like that before. I didn't realise how bad it was until I got out. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this though. You are being a fantastic role model to your DD though, she will grow up as an empowered woman I'm sure. Look after yourself. X

Exactly what fuckyouchris says with bells on

I'm so sorry op, but I don't see a better option than fuckyouchris answer to his shockingly arrogant message and ending your marriage. He really doesn't understand basic principles of commitment and is treating you appallingly. Surely a man who treats you like this and has so little regard for you can't possibly make you happy.

I know. I will save these messages to read in the future at that wobbly time I anticipate when I'm lonely & he's begging for forgiveness (unless he's busy Tindering)

Another vote for what fuckyouchris said.

Had the same situation with my OH. A friend said she saw him on there, wed been together a year and a half at this point. I knew he didn't have the app as we're both open with our phones and I often use his to call or text when mine has died so knew he didn't have it. Spoke to him about it and he was shocked saying he has no idea how or why. Re downloaded the app and his profile popped up with no active messages for the last year and a half so I knew he wasn't lying. You have to deactivate your whole profile, not just delete the app as it doesn't delete you. I didn't know this either and have also done the same with my account we had before getting together!

At the end of his message he says 'It's the simple truth - I don't lie'. But he does, that's a lie, he can't have cheated on his first wife without being a liar.

He isn't exactly fighting tooth and nail to keep you, is he?

The humming would really piss me off!

He clearly isn't committed, and doesn't sound that bothered if he goes or if you give him another chance.

It sounds like things haven't been right for a while. He is looking elsewhere and lining up the next woman. Hardly fair on you!

I would cut my losses and get out of the marriage. When trust has gone it never comes back.

You sound pretty strong actually, I think you will be just fine. Hugs xx

I'd just copy, paste and send what @FuckYouChris said TBH. Thats pretty much spot on I'd say.

Yip another vote for what FuckYou said!