My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

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I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

You were NC so,you wouldn't know anything about your mum including her death. Please don't be hard on yourself.

That's hard to deal with, one of the difficult things of NC. I'm sorry you are struggling with it. I have been NC with my mother for 2.5 years, but my brother, who I get on really well with, is LC, so I'll find out when she dies. Not sure how I'll feel or how I would feel if I didn't find out until later. Do you have anyone to talk to about it?

No one to talk to and there isn't anything to say really. I chose nc and now that is what I have forever.

I told the company that I won't contest any will etc. Apparently my aunt and cousin made contact with them. I have no interest in her money but I suppose there is a niggle there that she didn't remove me and replace me with her sisters or my cousins details, I wonder why.

I understand this absolutely. My DM was NC with me. When she died, her solicitors screwed up and I only found out three weeks later through a notice in the paper. Like you, I did not have an opportunity to say goodbye. I don't know whether I would have taken that opportunity, but it would have been nice to have the option.

There are no easy answers. Twelve months on I have had some counselling, but desperately need more.

Please its horrible isn't it and I just don't know what to think, maybe it is too soon. One minute I'm laughing with people at work and driving home and then I receive a call back and I'm told she died.

I just said ok and confirmed I want nothing to do with her benefits package will etc. I haven't thought about her for years and then bam, here it is.

I can't believe they (cousin or aunt) didn't tell me, there wasn't a massive drama over nc, she was toxic to me and my children and I silently made nc. There was no attempt to get in touch with me. I live in the same house, same mobile number etc who does that, what type of person doesn't tell someone's daughter that they have died?

I have no siblings, nc with my dad and his alcoholic partner.

In the gentlest way possible I assume they were trying to honour your wishes for NC. If someone was NC I would assume they didn't want to be informed of the death.

Guess that's what no contact means. Why would they tell you?

I am sorry you are upset but this is what nc is. If you chose it you lose your "right" to a relationship with that person, including a chance to say goodbye etc. Presumably you had a very good reason for going nc -hold tight to that. The idea you can reject someone in life then drop in on the death bed /funeral to meet your own need to say goodbye is actually pretty offensive.

Thank you 7th because that is exactly why I posted.

I can't see beyond "why the fuck did you not tell me she was dying" - she may well of went suddenly or in an accident, I don't know.

I feel like I've missed a chance that I probably wouldn't have taken anyway to speak to her and ask why.

I'm probably not making sense. I'm taking advantage of the anominity here to just get things out of my head before trying to sleep.

I'm not quite sure what to say to you, but I'm thinking of you and I'm very sorry you're going thought this - I can't imagine how complicated those feelings must be x

I understand totally how you feel, is not spoken to my Dad for several years.
Found out on Google (while looking for something else entireky) that he died 18 months ago.

Such a rollercoaster of emotions

It cannot be a nice feeling, my aunt tried doing that to my father when their nither died, luckily someone else steppedin and told him.

I'm sorry OP. It's never easy. Folk sometimes think it is easier when a "bad" parent dies, but ime it can be worse because you just feel so much remains unresolved, you are forced to mourn what could have been (e.g. the fantasy of a better mother, what that would have been like, etc) and not just what was (the actual mother you had). It also closes a door in a way that one can feel unprepared for. It's possible that on some level you had a wish that things would be resolved between you and your mother -- and now you're forced to accept that can never happen.

Your relatives likely struggled with whether to contact you and tried to do what they thought best. They too are bereaved so may have felt very muddled up. It's difficult in situations like this. No-one's at their best iyswim.

If it's any comfort my DM just sort of forgot to tell me that my DF (who I was NC with) had died. Found out by accident a few weeks after it happened. Brutal but some people are just completely shit at things.

I'm sorry for your pain and distress x

I'm torn between thinking I shouldn't care and I wanted no contact which I certainly have now, forever. And then there is the thoughts of how she died, if she thought about me - why leave me on the will and benefits package if she didn't care.

And then a lot of regret for who she was and why I had to go no contact with my mum in the first place.

Thank you for the replies though, it's helping to just spill it all out.

I could never do what they (aunt and cousin) did though, it wasn't their place to make that decision, even if the death was sudden they could have just sent a text or something. No different from hearing from a total stranger on your way home from work 4 months later. Then again, maybe my mum didn't want me to be involved?

Aghh

I can't even pretend to be in your shoes, but it's about closure, isn't it? Going NC isn't a decision most people take lightly, but you've now found out in an awkward way that you can no longer have any hope of having a sensible conversation with your mum and find out why she treated you like she did. And tied into that, all hope of any realisation on her part and subsequent apology is gone.

And her death is still a shock and you will still be mourning, in a way, but morning for the mum you never had a chance of having a great relationship with. It's still final, whether you were able to be close or not.

OP. Be gentle with yourself.

My brother has no contact with our mum. I have made it clear to him that I won't be informing him if she is unwell or dies. I wouldn't give him the option of coming to her funeral when he isn't there for her in her life. I appreciate people stop contact for good reasons but I don't think you can then expect to be kept in the loop with important events.
It must be very hard for you though, I hope you have a good network of support.

There was a thread on here recently where the mother expressed that she did not want the NC daughter to be informed of her death. Perhaps you mother made the same proviso?

I can understand it must be a shock even if you intended to be NC for the rest of your life.

If she was buried then perhaps you can visit her grave and say your final goodbye, it may help you come to terms with it.

Human emotions and feelings are complex and not always logical, especially when you've had a shock.

Take care of yourself xx

Grief is a strange thing. You will still grieve despite going NC so just allow yourself to feel it.

I do agree that they were in the wrong not telling you.

Perhaps they were bitter when they realised they were not a priority in her will?

PickAChew you win the award of first tears shed by me today.

Closure and acceptance and the affirmation that I will never be her with my DC, I will do everything I can to make them feel safe, loved and needed.

You are right I feel I'm in shock and I'm also mourning what could have been. But here I am and I can learn from this.

Thinking about it I really just feel sad because it's such a shame it all happened in the first place and I wish it had all been different but it wasn't so we move on.

The last time I mourned was 20 years ago and that was my brother who killed himself so this is all new and different emotions for me.

Thank you

This is one of the side effects of being NC with a family member. I am not sure why you think that your aunt and cousin should reach out to you when they may not be fully aware of all the circumstances of being NC and also maybe only hearing your DMs side of things so may not have been inclined to speak to you either. If you are not speaking to someone in life, I am not sure that their death supersedes the NC.

I am NC with a sibling and will probably miss a lot of information (suspect they got married recently for example but no-one speaks to me about them and thats they way things are and its what I wanted).

They may be selfishly worried you would contest her will. In time if the death itself troubles you you could write to your aunt and ask for info. Actually- Death certificates are public ally available and will give you a brief explanation.

I'm sorry for your loss . I am low contact with my dad (his choice) and my siblings are low contact (their choice. And I often ponder how this will feel. It is a huge loss of something that could- and should- have been great.

And I can see whilst he is alive there is always a possibility of some epic romantic solution. I know this won't happen, but I understand why you have still suffered a loss. It is ok to be sad.

X post with some lovely helpful replies, I'm a bit emotional now but that is only because you are all hitting exactly how I feel or giving an insight on how others involved may have felt which helps balance my thinking.

Sorry my siblings are no contact.