My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I do agree with the posters who suggested that this is the nature of NC, and presumably what you sign up for when you opt for NC (which obviously is not a light decision and you'd have your reasons).

I've said it a few times, but I wonder if a lot of people who go NC might be better off instead going low contact instead. No idea if that would be the case for you since I don't know your circumstances, but I'm very sure that there are a lot of people for whom it's a healthier option.

I hope you find peace.

If last day of period was may 29 how big of a chance of being pregnant

Poor I had no understanding of what I was doing but I knew I needed to get away from it all. Never did I factor anyone dying, I just didn't think about it and went in to self protection mode.

I'm lost, I don't know how to feel right now but I'm so glad I posted.

sorry op its hard

not happned persoanly but my uncle died and my df found out from a newspaper obit

he was so upset-thy werent officially nc but had a row a few years before

You're mourning the mother you wanted and would like to have had.
We see so many loving mother daughter relationships and really want that for ourselves. But you can't make it happen if the other party is horrible.

It'll take you a while to come to terms with it all but eventually you'll be able to deal with it.

I think grief and grieving is harder when there's been a complex relationship. You get a triple whammy of grieving the person and the reality of the difficult relationship, you grieve for what the relationship should have been but wasn't, and you grieve for what will never be. I'm sorry, op

I have no deep psychological insight to offer
But have a hug if you'd like one and some

I'm so sorry op, it must be hard. I went nc with my dm years ago for a period of four years. Throughout those years, I maintained that I was prepared, should she die, to not be involved or informed in the whole spirit of NC, especially when well meaning friends or family tried to invoke her possible death or ill health as a reason to make up. I kept up the line, which I believed mostly, that if she died, I would not wish to be involved or informed as why would I? The truth is, the nc came from a position of deep hurt and was a protective instinct. I was not truly prepared to be sidelined at the most final of events. Thankfully it never came to that and we found a way back. I'm so sorry you didn't have that chance.

I often hear 'go nc' bandied about on here and my heart sinks a little. Do people realise the enormity of it?

I'm sorry that you're going through this and that it might not have been the best decision. It sounds as though some skilled counselling could help you. I hope you find peace.

I didn't think about death when I went nc. I maybe thought we might work it out over time.

But that has all gone now

I often hear 'go nc' bandied about on here and my heart sinks a little. Do people realise the enormity of it?

I think a lot of people don't....and actually I think a lot of people (not OP) confuse it with simply "refusing to speak to someone". One is a serious decision intended to cut losses in a truly irretrievable situation. The other is a passive aggressive way of spoiling for a fight and, in fact, trying to get the other person to get in contact with a grovelling apology.

Sorry if I'm derailing your thread OP, it's not my intention. I'm not saying any of this applies to you, it doesn't sound as though it does. Just making a side point about the nature of NC, what it really is and why I think LC is so often a better alternative.

Actually, PoorYorick, the majority of people I see go no contact on here do it because the relationship has no benefit to them at all and usually drains them in some disproportionate way.

In some cases that is because people run away from difficult (for them) stuff. my brother has done that. No abuse involved, but he simply can't do relationships - almost definitely undiagnosed aspergers on his part. His fight or flight instinct is so developed that he has abandoned a house that he owns. He's left thousands of pounds worth of possessions at our parents' house.

So, even when NC isn't because of abuse, it can signify an inability to deal with that, or any, relationship.

But most people who go NC with a nominally close relative do so because that relationship is destructive. When someone is driving you to suicide or persistently upsetting your children, "what if they die" is not necessarily your first thought.

OP I have been in similar shoes to you but also very different from you. There was someone who was very ill. I was always in contact but others were not. When I realised that this was serious and the death was the only likely outcome, several times I asked "will I contact x and y. I was amazed at the strength of voice that told me they were not to be contacted.
If there is one thing I can not stand it is a person who ignores people, older and very ill people and then turn up at the deathbed and funeral. It is too late by that time and it is only going to create more ill feeling. It may be that your Mum said that if Daily can ignore me for x length of time there is no use running in now. I would not go against the deathbed wishes of anyone.
This is part of what happens when people bandy about the great NO CONTACT card. People are flawed they make mistakes them and you and of course people can chose whatever they want but this kind of thing is the outcome of such a decision. It is one likely outcome of going NC. It is sad but in my case I was obeying the wishes of the soon to be deceased. I got a load of grief about that. My view was the person was X years old what did you think would happen?
Perhaps this could be a matter the no contactors could consider this and maybe start a discussion on the subject

Not at all and it's why I posted in relationships for support.
T
I'm so torn, as I said I've not felt grief since 20 years ago and NC has me torn now. After all, it's my. Mum, she was a shit mum, I strive not to be her but she was atill my mum.

I think there is a difference between knowing someone is alive and not having contact and the permanent loss of somebody but it stems from knowing that you are no longer in control, you cannot change your mind, you cannot build bridges. Ever.

I think you have to remember why you went no contact and you have to make peace with yourself and with her and grieve for you have permanently lost the woman who brought you into this world and you may have to acknowledge this which will bring up old buried memories and mixed emotions. It might be good to ask other family members where she has been buried so you can say a final goodbye should you wish to do so sometime.

I am no contact with my sister and it hurts terribly at times. For a long time I thought it was a temporary thing but this year following a family crisis, I came to the realisation that it is permanent and it is a loss that must be dealt with as one.

Good bad or indifferent she was still your mum & you gave a right to grieve, whatever form that may take. Don't over think it, just let it be whatever it is. As far as the how and why she died, ask those questions, use the solicitor if you have contact details, sometimes you just need the small question answered to give you peace. I

I still think it's possible I'll go NC with dad if mum goes first
I love my mother so much but he is awful, we are as low contact as possible what with them being married and in the same house! I do turn away from him when he enters the room to say something to her etc

But it's different because he's been ill for years. I must confess I hadn't thought of people going NC without considering the death of that person. It often seems the other way round - people who will be missed by no one, people who actively damaged lives, live till they are 100 and decent people who were loved and valued and needed die in their 20s (thinking of some friends).

OP You say you did it for self protection. That really has to be done sometimes. Perhaps you have felt differently if not for the time lag in finding out?

I agree with the point about all hope being gone.

On the other hand, you know you will never be hurt by your mother again. That could bring a sense of relief at some point. No need to feel guilty about that.

It is complicated so be kind to yourself and give it time for your thoughts to process.

Oh op I'm so sorry you're hurting

It's so difficult, especially as you have double grief to deal with: the fact that she's gone, and the fact that she wasn't the mum you deserve.

Have you thought about writing her a letter? I know it helped me a bit after I lost my (extremely loved) grandparents; might help you to say to her everything that you want to say?

I'm so sorry OP, you must be really conflicted. My brother was NC with my Dad when he died, he had been ill for a long time but the death was very sudden. I told DB straight away and, like you, he wasn't sure how he should feel, he hadn't been ready to reconcile at that point but was still upset that the opportunity had been lost to him forever. He did get some closure and comfort by attending the funeral and being able to talk through his feelings with me. That comfort and closure has been denied you and I think it was very wrong of your relatives not to have told you. Again, so sorry, and I'm sending you a hug.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread I am so sorry for you, about your mum and also about your brother.

I hope your aunt and cousin mad ethe deciso out of the best intersts for you but to be honest I think they were wrong. You deserved to be told.

I feel no contact is something in life, and if someone dies you deserve to know. You may not have visited or gone to the funeral but you should have been told.

5OBalesofHay your comment is unbelievably crass and horrible.

BarbarianMum "The idea you can reject someone in life then drop in on the death bed /funeral to meet your own need to say goodbye is actually pretty offensive."

No, to me it is not at all offensive, it is a choice. The OP has made it clear she had reasons for going NC. It may well be the right thing not to 'drop in' on someone dying but for others it could be the right thing and could provide the closure they need.

OP please seek some bereavement counselling, I think (as anohter said) you are mourning your mum, maybe not as she was, but as you would have liked her to be. Maybe circumstances in life meant she could not be that mum, but maybe in her death you can now find a peace.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake "I won't be informing him if she is unwell or dies. I wouldn't give him the option of coming to her funeral when he isn't there for her in her life. I appreciate people stop contact for good reasons but I don't think you can then expect to be kept in the loop with important events." I am not sure you can consider the knowledge of whether a parent has died or not being 'in the loop'.

No matter how much you dislike or disprove of you brother's choices, please do not deny him the knowledge of whether your mum is very ill or dies.

I've lost both my parents now and you don't get a second chance to go back and do it differently. So please, please be as supportive as you can be to all, put your own feelings to one side.

If your mum wants you to make contact with your brother do it for her, if he comes, it is for your mum, not you, if he comes for the funeral, it is for your mum, not you. And at the very least please tell him if she does. Please do all you can that you will not later regret something. This is as much for your as for your mum or your brother.

Music "There was a thread on here recently where the mother expressed that she did not want the NC daughter to be informed of her death. Perhaps you mother made the same proviso?"

I did wonder that too. But even so I think the aunt and cousin would be wrong. Life is for the living and the dead do not get to constrain us with their requests, only to decide who to give their money to IMHO.

scottishdiem "I am not sure why you think that your aunt and cousin should reach out to you when they may not be fully aware of all the circumstances of being NC and also maybe only hearing your DMs side of things so may not have been inclined to speak to you either."

Because it is the decent and human thing to do, and to not do it seems to me a very cruel, and unnecessarily cruel, thing to do.

"I am not sure that their death supersedes the NC." Yes, to me death does supersede NC. This is knowledge and information not contact.

"I am NC with a sibling and will probably miss a lot of information (suspect they got married recently for example but no-one speaks to me about them and thats they way things are and its what I wanted)."

But a relative getting married or having a baby is very different from them dying. Especially because in most cases of N/C there is a lot of pain involved. Why allow a relative to go on living with the pain when in some ways knowing of the death may enable some degree of healing and coming to terms?

Maybe now the OP can grieve for the mum she wished she had, I think finding a place to visit would be good, maybe planting a tree, not so much for your mum, but for what might have been.

Thinking of you OP.

Thank you for all the replies, lots to think over.

I'm fine this morning. Someone hit the nail on the head that I'm mourning what should have been. In fact I'm missing/sad about not having decent grandparents for my DC - I think.

Of course you're missing what might have been, and what now, will never be.

Be kind to you, it may take a while to work through your feelings and emotions.

I was nc with my father, when he died I attended the funeral as support for my siblings.

I mourned the loss of what I could have had not what I'd had.