My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

My condolences @DailyMailDontStealMyThread 💐

It’s so hard, there’s no such thing as logical easily categorised emotion here is there?

And actually very hard for those in contact with you both - for every person saying “why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” will be another saying “why did you tell me, that’s just brought back all my trauma!”

Maybe anyone in your position (and no help to you sadly) should say to someone who is in contact, what they want to happen if possible. ie “tell me when they die, I won’t come to the funeral but I’d like to know, or whatever your preference is.

I have emailed the pension company and said that I was am in shock so please disregard my comments on the phone and to contact me with more information

Oh I think this is wise OP, well done.

Less about the contents of the Will, but more to do with having some kind of formal 'process' around your mother's death. I think it might help you, almost give you a timeline of gradual disengagement from the complicated feelings attached to NC bereavement.

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@AmongUs

Place marking. Reading for self help

Surely putting it on watch would be the thing to do. Why ressurect a nearly 4 year old thread @AmongUs?

I have been named in her will as someone who is not to benefit from her death.

Ah, there you go.
Well, you can also view THIS as a form of closure.

Sometimes, the best closure we can aim at is acceptance that we cannot put things right, because we weren't the ones to put them wrong.

Alive or dead, that person we are NC with will never own their culpability, see anyone else's point of view, or apologise.

Your mother's wishes in her Will at least give you that OP. It was over for her, she did not wish you or your kids to benefit, & in a way, this may be far easier to deal with emotionally than if she'd left you cash or assets that you could twist yourself into guilty knots about.

I know it's a zombie thread but the content struck a chord with people then and now. I'd really like the OP to come back and update the thread with how she dealt with things going forwards. NC is difficult for so many reasons and unknowns.

No need to resurrect a four year old thread.
People have/will now be pointlessly replying to the OP.

Ooops ...

My family is on the other side of this so I can give my perspective. My uncle passed in 2005, his children were 17 and 19. They’d had no contact with him for years and were well aware of the state of his health. When he died, they weren’t told until it was time to organise his affairs, which they had to be told about because his estate was going to them. No one could deal with the pain of them refusing to turn up to the funeral. My grandparents had just lost their son in horrible circumstances so our main priority was them.

I hope you can come to terms with it OP and wish you well as you move forward.

Your relatives definitely weren’t in the wrong for not informing you, they were in an untenable situation. This is the brutal reality of choosing no contact. Sadly nobody can explain to someone who hasn’t lost a parent what the grief will feel like, it can be worse for you if you are no or low contact as there is anguish for what-could-have-been. I wish I wasn’t speaking from experience. Be gentle on yourself, on your relatives too.

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Hi all, and thanks for the reports. We'll close this thread to comments now.