My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

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I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

I think it's awful they didn't tell you. A friend of mine was no contact with another close friend. He went into hospital and sadly passed away.
No one would have dreamed of not telling our friend that he was ill and that he had passed away.
This was just friends not family.
Clearly you had your reasons not to have her in your life but she is your mum and it should have been your decision.
I'm sorry

Hi OP

It is almost impossible for anyone who has not got been properly NC to understand it. It is never a decision taken lightly and is often a final act of self preservation.

Please look after yourself

What a difficult time for you. I think your relatives should have told you so that you could make a decision about how you could grieve maybe attend the funeral or do something private on the day yourself.
I've seen friends who have had difficult relationships with parents finding their grieving process really hard and complicated - more so than if they'd had a healthy relationship.
I'm sorry for you. You'll be working through this and it can't be easy. There is no right way to grieve so just be kind to yourself and feel what you are feeling. It's a process and you will come out the other side. Good luck to you x

This is really difficult.

I think you should have been informed. The choice was no one else's to make.

This day will come for me. I think I will grieve for the loss of the hope that things will improve, and for the parents I should have had.

I am sitting here now, 2 years in to NC, and wishing with all my heart that things could be different. I still have moments where I catch my breath when I remember that I can't just call my mum up for a chat. That we don't do that anymore because her behaviour was so unacceptable I had to walk away. It overwhelms me in the moment, but thankfully it passes.

So no advice, just another poster who is thinking of you. Feel what you need to.

I think the death of a family without at least an opportunity to say goodbye and forgive one another is damaging

I don't really understand the thought process here.

I understand being upset that you aren't informed about a death even if you're NC (though I think it's something you need to think about if you do plan to go NC, because it sounds like a logical and likely consequence).

But if you're thinking about forgiveness and opportunities to say what you need to say, the time to do that is when a person is ALIVE.

Are the beneficiary of will? If so I would accept it, put it towards bringing up your dc.

This is often a consideration of mine for my mum. She is NC with all 5 of her siblings and it it's kind of my fault. I was sexually abused by one of their step children and the whole of my mum's family chose to believe him over me so for my own MH I had to go NC with all of my maternal extended family (lots of cousins). My mum chose to follow suit as she was outraged that they preferred to sweep it all under the carpet rather than support me.

I often wonder how she will feel when they start to die. I am afraid I will feel nothing about any of them as they caused me so much pain and stress (I was set up to attend a family event where the person who raped me was there and I'd been assured he wasn't and my Aunt refused to give the police vital evidence to secure a conviction in order to save her marriage) but I'm not sure my mum feels so black and white.

OP, do you think it was left unsaid by Mum too because she wasn't sure if she'd want you to know? What a messy, sad situation

Borninatrap it is not your fault that your mum is no contact with her sibs. please be assured of that. It is the fault of the evil man who raped you and the evil woman who chose her marriage over her niece's safely.

Your mother made the only choice she could make, the only choice I would make, to believe her daughter.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, they deserve each other.

Possibly hasn't occurred to them the rapist may strike again and this time it could be their children or grand children. I do hope not.

But none of this is your fault.

Borninatrap I second everything Italiangreyhound said. Please don't place any blame on your shoulders. I would do the same as your mum did in a heart beat.

So sorry about such a sad situation OP. You have had some good advice here and I hope you find peace. xx

Another in tears reading this thread. NC with both parents and it is so very sad reading this

Sorry shayelle I hope you are ok, it's been a rough weekend with lots of different emotions.

Mainly I sweep from missing what should have been and vowing not to let that happen with my DC and then anger that they decided not to tell me thus taking any decisions away. I wondered wether my mum had told them not to tell me but if that was the case she would have removed me and added them wouldn't she?

I have emailed the pension company and said that I was am in shock so please disregard my comments on the phone and to contact me with more information.

I have no idea what that may be, she worked for them for years (I was in primary school) but was let go for health reasons at least 6 years ago. No idea how pensions work etc. 99% of me doesn't want to get involved but not knowing and some replies here made me send an email.

It's all very raw and surreal right now.

That sounds sensible OP. If she left you anything in her will, it shows that despite your differences, she still loved you.

I agree with those who say that you should take any inheritance and use it for the benefit of you and your DC (her DGC). Enjoy it, maybe buy something special for yourself from her, perhaps an item of jewellery, and then try to forgive her and them, and find peace. I hope you do.

I hope you find peace with it too op, in time, i also think youve done the right thing by emailing. Maybe it will bring you some comfort to find your Mum didnt change things. Sorry to have brought up my feelings (tears) on your thread yday. I often think of what would happen in the situation you are going through but its difficult to know what to do for the best. There isnt much you can do sometimes. I hope you are bearing up today op x

Thank you shayelle I'm pleased you returned here. I'm speaking to the lady from the pensions tomorrow but her email reply was a bit vague as in she couldn't talk about my mothers benefits but did need to know if I was contesting the will.

How do you go about reading a will you aren't welcome to read? How am I meant to know if I'm contesting without reading it?

I'm hoping I'll know more tomorrow.

Let's all stay strong

Difficult situation and harsh response, but this is what NC is. You chose that (for very valid reasons I'm sure, but nonetheless you chose to make the relationship NC).
It may well have been the case that your mother gave instructions that you weren't to be informed of her death because of your decision to go NC. If someone went NC with me, I could see myself responding that way, i.e. you've either NC or you've not, you can't have it both ways and go NC but cherry-pick bits of information you do want to know.

Do you have any experience with being no contact with family, sammy?

If I've learned something in my life it's this - it's easy to pass judgement/ comment on other's situations when you're outside looking in! I chose to go low contact with my mother. She was a hard bitter narc woman. She focused on my Dbro, her golden child and my middle Dsis, her monkey. They began including me when it looked like they'd lose their inheritance to fund care.

I also had an uncle who disinherited his only child and his innocent grandchildren in favour of two female cousins who inherited their own parents substantial estate. They greedily grasped it with both hands and splashed out on luxurious holidays whilst my cousin and his family struggled financially because of a clash of personalities.

Looking back I wish I'd stood my ground with my siblings. They not only siphoned off 1000's, but Dbro influenced the lion's share for himself. I'd also encourage my cousin to contest the will in court even if he walked away whilst tying it up for years. Nothing to lose.

You've nothing to lose OP by contesting the will. It'd be one in the eye for the relatives who excluded you from a pivotal moment in your life. And if it was you're mother's intention to hurt you from the grave, then it sort of puts a spanner in her works.

Even if you get something, you could put it away in the bank for your daughter's future.

I think anyone can apply to View a will.

Hi
I was NC with my parents as they were abusive
I didn't find my dad had died till 18 months after the event. My dad had told my sister not to tell me. I am still angry I was unable to support my sister with her grief which may well of helped our relationship.

I am not angry at my sister who felt she had to follow a dying mans wishes. I am angry at him.

For me I felt it was closure..There was never going to be a good chance to reconcile anymore. I felt that I had a freedom.. despite having no contact for 20 years.

I don't really understand the you were n/c comments so shouldn't of been told., I have been told by friends of people who have passed away who I have not spoken to in years...Since when was a death a secret.

Indeed Starlight. Is it another warped sense of self-importance?

I have been named in her will as someone who is not to benefit from her death.

At least I have closure, she really didn't care for me or my children. I feel clear headed, I knew I had done the right thing to protect myself and my children from her and she has proven me right.

I have no desire to contest the will because I want exactly what we have had from her for years and years. Nothing.

Thank you for letting me get my thoughts out of my head and for sharing. Such a shame so many people have to go nc for self protection but I'm glad it is now finally over with.

Oh i am so very sorry to read your update. I didnt think this would be the case, i dont know why. Hugs for you op xx

*Today 09:42 Golondrina

Do you have any experience with being no contact with family, sammy?*

I do, as it happens. A sister of mine who has a personality disorder has gone LC/NC with some/all of her siblings at various times, including going LC with me. Her reason was basically that I wasn't dancing to her tune and was not bending to her will, so she went LC to punish me, not realising that I viewed it as a very welcome reprieve. She occasionally tried to swoop in and up levels of contact but I kept her at a distance and kept everything very superficial.
At another time, when she was in contact with me but was NC with my brother, she was fuming when she found out about his divorce and rang me demanding to know why I hadn't told her at the time it happened. My reply was that it wasn't my news to tell and also that I didn't know if DB wanted her to know anything about his personal life. She couldn't see the logic in this at all and actually stated, full of indignation, "I have a right to know". Eh, no you don't, sweetheart.

I've since chosen to go NC with her. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't want her knowing what's going on in my life and I'm not interested in what's going on in hers. She continues to try get information about me from siblings and extended family, trying to find out about my relationship status, my career progress, my house, my lifestyle etc. She's not entitled to that information. It's simple none of her business. Similarly, I want to know sweet fuck all about her and her life. If I heard in the morning that she had died, I'd shrug my shoulders and get on with my day.

I don't believe that people who go NC should be able to pick and choose or cherry pick what they want to know/be involved with. That's the reality of NC, which they chose. You don't get to swoop in when the other person is on their death bed and have a tearful reconciliation so you feel better. The person who is on the receiving end of the NC is likely to be hurt or annoyed at it and may very well not want any attempt at reconciliation, might adopt a "fuck you, you wanted NC, well you'll get NC" attitude- it seems from the OPs update that that's what her mother did, in specifying that she is not to benefit from her death. I can totally see the mother's point of view there- the op chose NC, which is an extreme measure, so the mother reacted with extreme measures of her own.
(I can also see the OPs point of view in regards going NC in the first place, but I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect to be kept in the loop with significant events if you're NC.)