My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

OP..So sorry sadly not surprised but probably because I have been there. For people who don't have a toxic mother it is very hard to understand..Hard enough when you are in it.

You grief is your own.. no matter what you feel it is ok.. Just because you were N/c does not mean you can't have feelings.

I think of inheritance as a reward not just an entitlement because of who you are related too. I have seen many situations where one adult child has done a lot for parents and their siblings have done nothing and perhaps even caused upset and distress such as being drink or drug addicted, been to prison. I would say that the adult child who did things and was company to the parents should be rewarded i.e. inherit. I have known a person who inherited an absolute fortune from an uncle or great uncle way back in 1940s simply because of kindness and attentiveness. I think I agree with this.

op. Sorry you are going through this.
I have NC with my Dad for the past 10 years. He''s toxic and abusive.
I didn't make the decision lightly but it was a self preservation act on.my behalf.
I'm not sure how I'd feel if I heard of his death or missed his funeral. I don't want a chance to talk with him or have him make ammends/ look for forgiveness. ..we're way past that !
Not sure if I'd attend his funeral even if I did know about it . I can uderstand your rollercoaster of emotions as I wouldn't know how to feel either.
You made NC for good reasons. Remember that....this doesn't chage in death. Be good to yourself and dont feel guilty. Allow yourself time to grieve, Mourne, breathe and then move on..

@user2

First to be clear I don't want my parents money however your argument is floored..I cared for my mum twice through cancer. I spent weekends working in my dad;s business no pay. Those are the big things I would say I did that others may consider a good daughter might do. I endured years of abuse.

I took myself out of the situation 20 years ago. Like I say I don't want their money but if we are talking in terms of reward yes I think I would of done plenty to be rewarded for.

I have no interest in her will or pension but only because I can't put myself through having to deal with all that intails contesting it.

I put up with 29 years of her abusive behaviour, no one else knows what happened or the true depth of why I needed to go NC and protect myself and her granddaughter from it.

Those family members that stepped in because I "neglected"her have then spent a few years doing what I have always done and now will be "rewarded" for it.

I spent the years she built that pensions/benefits pot up dealing with her. My decision to go nc left my DD without any grandparent and myself with no family support, nothing, every Christmas without family. We never had lots of family to start with but for what ever reason my NC (she didn't try, not even once to contact me and make amends thank goodness) lost us everyone.

I wouldn't have gone to her funeral or death bed, she wouldn't have wanted me there but if she hadnt specificully written me out of her will and left the expression of wish as it stood I would have put the money in DDs fund pot towards driving lessons or her first car.

I'm just musing again. I will pay for those driving lessons and DD can pay her own way for her own car, hopefully

starlight I'd like to give you a real life hug so have some virtual and [tea] instead

Starlight - those are my views drawn from my experiences. I can not experience other peoples' lives nor can they experience my life.
The point I made was from my experiences and the experiences of those known to me and my thoughts for when my time comes. I am feeling quite fine at the moment but you just never know and it is as well to make our wishes known.
As you said you have done the good things and I really would hope that you are rewarded. It is not always the money. Acknowledgement is important too. Again that is my view.

A family who can scapegoat one child though isn't doing "fair" though is it user2 ?
Or are you saying that scapegoating is fair, that it is caused by the behaviour of the outcast and that failing to leave them anything after mental abuse for a lifetime is...reasonable? That if they retract from the abuse they should not inherit, where as the equally arbitrarilly chosen " golden child" should get everything, and be told they deserve it?
The arbiters of the "nice behaviour" you feel should be rewarded, in the experience of most people on this thread, are their abusers.

Hi Op just wondered how you are doing and sending some good thoughts your way. Youve been let down by your parent in their death as you were in their life. I also dont have any other family... it is very hard. You sound like a fantastic mum to your DD and at least you wont make the same mistakes your own mother made. Have a nice weekend x

I often hear 'go nc' bandied about on here and my heart sinks a little. Do people realise the enormity of it?

Yes.

Family are so important.
Unless they've done something really terrible then I don't understand all this no contact business.
in so.e cases it seems downright cruel.

You only get one mother and father and nce they're gone they're gone. for ever
I
Maybe OP had very good reasons.
But it's still sad all round.

I do wish people who admit they don't know anything about dysfunctional families and why people stop being in contact with those families would stop posting on threads like this. Especially using words like cruel and sanctimonously bleating about how sad it is. Can you not accept that nobody does this on a whim? And that if you don't have the first clue about how someone gets to the point with their own family that nc is the least worst option, then perhaps it would be better not to bandy around words like cruel and sad.
Seriously.

Perhaps you could contest the will l but ask for your daughter to benefit by it being put in a trust fund for her and that way you will not have benefited from the will as was requested.

Why is it sad or cruel to go nc with someone who throughout your entire life has bullied/abused you and will continue to do so until you say no more?

Thank you dailymail

I think people Think N/C is an easy option..I did a go n/c a couple of times. I think people are programmed to want our parents to love us..When you get treated badly it doesn't stop you wanting.

I have a DS , I know he misses having a big family however he would not benefit from a relationship with my mum . I have tried numerous times before concluding she will never be able to have an adult to adult relationship with me never mind a mother / daughter relationship..Easy to accept no.. Is it a sad for my mum.. Nope ..Has she ever tried to fix our relationship ...nope..

Finally deciding I would never contact her again was very liberating for me. Do I want to know she is dead.Yes..I Will be able to support my sister and feel anoher chapter is finally closed. I doubt I will shed a tear.

User you are right rewards are not always monetary...I would happily not have a penny but been able to have a decent relationship. However we don't always get what we want.

I have learnt a lot from having an abusive parent , I think I may be a better parent for it..However I am damaged and that has impacted on my life and relationships with other.

Starlight2345 - I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time. I had my efforts acknowledged in life and in death both by verbal thanks and appreciation and ultimately financially after death. There was A N Other who should have been around but was not. Then there was a legal battle from that person when they only had to ask. There are others who think I am rich, I am saying nothing about my finances to anyone, they want money, they never say a kind word, I am shouted at often for very strange things. I tried to stick it out but now I just lie low and stay out the way. Clearly none of those people care about me, me the actually person, not the bank balance. I never intended to not help people financially. I was very tight for money before. I would much rather have the people who cared about me back. I feel sad and lonely that apart from money I am unwanted. I am against low and no contact but I am beginning to think that if I can not be treated kindly I am best off out of it
I have waited years for any of these people to show kindness and or reassurance to me.

Thank you to those that have asked. I haven't given it a second thought since I started this thread and you all let me share and get my thoughts out of my head, her passing is a non event just like our relationship.

Sending you my thoughts, flowers and sympathies OP

Baching thank you. I really am handling this better than I thought I would, even though I never thought about it happening iyswim.

I'm doing well

That's good. I recommend reading 'A Manual for Healing' by Cathy Rentzenbrink, which you might find of some comfort.

I agree with people, yiu were NC, so why would this be any different for death. I guess they were respecting your wishes.

Hi, I just stumbled across my mums death today online whilst researching my family tree, 10 years later. My siblings didn’t tell me or my aunt (her sister 85yo). I don’t know what I did wrong I really don’t and have tried before to sort it but got nowhere. I don’t know how to act or feel tbh. Pretty gobsmacked.
There’s rights and wrongs and I think that you’ve gotta be a hard person to not pass this news on. It’s wrong to keep it to yourself. There’ll never be closure. 😞

I went nc for 3 years with my mum (dad passed away years ago) after my wedding where she behaved terribly. (Tip of the iceberg. Years of piss poor parenting).

I found out in FB that she’d died.

It sodding hurts. Didn’t regret not seeing her or making up with her because I’d tried and tried with her over the years to get her to be a parent to me.
Just hurt she’d rather die than tell me she loved me.

You aren’t alone. People on here have had similar experiences and come out the other side at some point. Takes time but you’ll get there. You have to give yourself time to get your head round it. Talk to people (or professionals) and deal with all these weird feelings.

Sending you lots of hugs. Just cos you weren’t talking doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. 💐🌹

When I was 10 years old, we were getting ready for school when there was a knock on the door. My mum opened it to 2 policemen who came to tell her that her mum had died. My mum had gone nc with her parents when my eldest brother was young because of their alcoholism and resulting behaviour. She had a horrendous upbringing and did it to protect us and herself.

I remember her crying in the dining room when the police were telling her and then after they had gone she put on her make-up and took my brother to school as we went off to school ourselves. I know she was sad and upset but never gave it much thought as I had never met my Mum's mum. Years later she told me she cried because she was upset, but for the mother she should have had. She cried because she never made it up with her, but that was because my Mum's mum never reflected on her own behaviour and the consequences of it.
My mum did the right thing and she was sad because she never had a proper mum. That's sad, but if she'd known she was going to die it would have been harder to let her back on because my mum knows she would have just caused harm.

It really hurts. For me it’s the fact that my siblings agreed to do this. Mum has been a very distant parent, no affection etc. It started for me hardcore when I had kids. The comments to them about me and she favoured my son and ignored my daughter. She then was abusive to my aunt who’s almost blind but was still helping my mum out, receiving no help herself, only from me. At that point we walked away. My siblings from that point made no effort to contact me although my sister was an alcoholic and brother has got himself a record. Me I was just guilty of being ‘too independent’. That was my crime. I’ve tried to contact my bro & sis but have been rejected. I’d like to know what I’ve done to them that’s caused them to think I deserved to not know something as important as this.

It’s so hard to put these confused feelings into words. Do I have a right to be upset as we weren’t in contact? Should I be angry? What should I be feeling? I really don’t know.