My mum died 4 months ago and no one told me

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

I'm obviously no contact with my mum, haven't spoken to her for a few years. I have an aunt and a cousin who took my mums side when we went no contact.

I received a letter about 3 months ago from my mums company pensions and benefits scheme asking me to confirm my relationship details with my mum which to be honest I ignored because I thought nothing of it. Certainly didn't think to connect it with her death!

I picked up a recorded delivery letter today, again from the company so I made contact and they Told me she has died and wanted to confirm I didn't want to contest the will etc

I don't really know how I feel, I suppose my main thought is I wasn't given the choice to decide to say good bye or not, I don't think I would have but, knowing the funeral took place and I wasn't aware at all...

Not sure why I'm posting. I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

I went low contact with my mum she was toxic and played people off against each other. On one visit to her she told me that I wasn't in her will but may change her mind.....she also said that everything that was in the home I wouldn't be getting. I just kind of brushed it off saying no leave the will as it is I am not bothered to be honest. A few months later my mum and my daughter met for coffee and I purposely brought the will situation up..I said in front of my daughter that I wanted it to be made clear that I wanted nothing it was important for me to say this as my daughter was then fully aware if what was going on. She died this year I didn't go to her funeral and I inherited nothing. My life has now just started free of her i had the best Christmas ever and I am so looking forward to my future. I feel nothing but joy that she is dead my daughter feels the same. She tried to use her money as a kind of blackmail....it didn't work with me..

This is an old thread. Maybe start a new one @Juecat to avoid confusion

NC was your choice and the opportunity to say goodbye was when she was living.

Grieve and give it time but in this particular instance, you are wrong to hold anyone else responsible for the consequences of your decision.

Isn’t it awful. I guess that I’ve learned what NOT to do with my children x

It wasn’t my choice at all. My mother turned my siblings against me too. One day I’ll find out why I’m sure x

Place marking. Reading for self help

That’s what no contact is OP although I would have let you know! Maybe this was her wish?

My dad is dying so I do understand slightly - I hate him and only remain low contact because of this sort of situation arising.

It just must be a terrible shock

Op thanks for sharing this.

1 in 4 people are estranged from their families and it is a lot more common this set of feelings that some people might imagine.

and very potentially painful.

I'm sorry about your mum.

I would have wanted to stay in contact with mine but it got difficult for lots of reasons. .

1. mum has advanced dementia and doesn't know who I am either on telephone or in person

2/ Now lives a very long distance away and very expensive to get ther anyway.

1. I am a single parent and with the covid home schooling etc it has been difficult to travel or impossible actually
2. My estranged 'sister' had taken over my mums 'care' and interferred even when my mum knew who I was, 'sister' has been abusive in the past and i felt unsafe being in the same room with her. She wouldn't leave me and my mother together.

So, during covid I had not heard for around a year whether my mum was still alive or not.

Which hurt, massively. Somewhere in amongts there I sought help online and came across the organisation ''STand alone' which specialses in family estrangement. it might help you.

Obviously they are not doing workshops or support groups right now but have ipod casts and therapists.

At the moment I am feeling slightly better about it as my mum's social worker writes to me and tells me how she is. The letters are polite , compassionate and professional which is more than ever had from my own sister. It was the same when my dad died. It is awful when you don't even know the facts i.e if they are still alive.

I feel there is not enough understanding for family estrangement and I'm sure it will have got worse under covid and arrangements for funerals, bereavements etc.

At the moment my mum is still alive, she is comfortable in a dementia home, I know that someone will tell me if that changes. When the funeral comes I don't know if I will go. I don't feel safe grieving in the presence of a less than supportive birth family.

And I've had my work cut out being a single mum getting my daughter through a terrible G.C.S.E year and home schooling.

So if anyone would like to criticise me for being selfish for not attending my mum's funeral go ahead. I feel some people don't look far enough at a situation.

I put my daughter first. And then me. And it might have turned out differently.

I feel really sad about my mum. But also sad that through all those dark days of home schooling and feeling scared as a single parent as to how I was going to make it through, noone in my birth family asked how I was coping. Sorry that is a sad post but just wanted to say I feel your pain.

Im really sorry about your mum condolences

@7thInningStretch

In the gentlest way possible I assume they were trying to honour your wishes for NC. If someone was NC I would assume they didn't want to be informed of the death.

Yes.

ZOMBIE THREAD FOLKS

OP posted in 2017

@AmongUs you can "watch" threads or bookmark them.
No need to resurrect a four year old thread.
People have/will now be pointlessly replying to the OP.

I have emailed the pension company and said that I was am in shock so please disregard my comments on the phone and to contact me with more information
Wise move OP. It will give you choices such as giving it all away or making bequests for the future. I did wonder if, because your mum didn’t change her Will, that perhaps she hoped for contact.
It’s a horrible situation, I’m NC with a sibling who’s behaviour and actions during a time of grief have been beyond appalling.
I hope you find some acceptance and peace soon 💐

Ignore. Bugger.

It sounds like you’ve had an awful time in the past. I expect you will feel all manner of emotions so be patient with yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up, OP. Your mother’s death is a milestone in your life, regardless of your feelings about her. You may get all kinds of mixed feelings coming up. If you haven’t got a close friend to share this with, maybe a few sessions of counselling could help?

Your relatives likely struggled with whether to contact you and tried to do what they thought best. They too are bereaved so may have felt very muddled up. It's difficult in situations like this. No-one's at their best iyswim

My father was nc with his entire family. When he died I had an awful inward struggle about what to do. He'd asked me not to tell them when the time came, but nevertheless I felt I should. My dh took it out of my hands and contacted his family without my knowledge. I'm glad he did because I would have worried about it forever.

His family were absolutely furious with me for not telling them immediately - but in time they understood my grief and confusion.
I wouldn't put the blame on anybody. As pp said, everyone is at sixes and sevens.

oh OP, im sorry to hear this has happened and left you feeling so conflicted. I can imagine it feeling like youve lost the opportunity for her to ever apologise and own how she treated you. Im sure youve already grieved a lot over your relationship with your mother, and now this must be such an odd feeling.
I want to send you a hug

I have no right to be sad. I chose nc for my own reasons which I still believe were the right decision for me but, my mum died and I didn't know.

You have every right to feel sad, Daily.

That voice telling you that you don't?
It's an echo of some of the punishing remarks you will have heard prior to going NC. And probably afterwards, from your side-taking aunt & cousin.

It's entirely normal & reasonable to feel sad. You are allowed to grieve for the relationship you wish you'd had, & the support your other relatives withdrew from you.

Please don't give yourself this kind of negative self-talk.
It's a learned behaviour, & one you can learn to let go of.
I hope you find some peace with all the feelings that are bound to be caught up in this news.

It's sad your mother died, it's horribly sad that you needed to go NC, & I'm sure you've suffered enough bad-mouthing in your life to not need to inflict any more on yourself!

I hope you can carve out an hour or two just to do something nice for yourself today. I'm sorry for your loss, in many senses, & wish you all the best as you grieve whatever you need to grieve, & come out the other side with a sense of lightness & freedom.

You have every right to be sad…you had a right to feel that way when she was alive, and now when she is dead.

I think therapy will help you process this. Dont carry these boggles and questions around for too long as they will eat you up, or make you depressed. Do some talking and work through the feelings.

^^ niggles not boggles!!!

@beigebrownblue

Op thanks for sharing this.

1 in 4 people are estranged from their families and it is a lot more common this set of feelings that some people might imagine.

and very potentially painful.

I'm sorry about your mum.

I would have wanted to stay in contact with mine but it got difficult for lots of reasons. .

1. mum has advanced dementia and doesn't know who I am either on telephone or in person

2/ Now lives a very long distance away and very expensive to get ther anyway.

1. I am a single parent and with the covid home schooling etc it has been difficult to travel or impossible actually
2. My estranged 'sister' had taken over my mums 'care' and interferred even when my mum knew who I was, 'sister' has been abusive in the past and i felt unsafe being in the same room with her. She wouldn't leave me and my mother together.

So, during covid I had not heard for around a year whether my mum was still alive or not.

Which hurt, massively. Somewhere in amongts there I sought help online and came across the organisation ''STand alone' which specialses in family estrangement. it might help you.

Obviously they are not doing workshops or support groups right now but have ipod casts and therapists.

At the moment I am feeling slightly better about it as my mum's social worker writes to me and tells me how she is. The letters are polite , compassionate and professional which is more than ever had from my own sister. It was the same when my dad died. It is awful when you don't even know the facts i.e if they are still alive.

I feel there is not enough understanding for family estrangement and I'm sure it will have got worse under covid and arrangements for funerals, bereavements etc.

At the moment my mum is still alive, she is comfortable in a dementia home, I know that someone will tell me if that changes. When the funeral comes I don't know if I will go. I don't feel safe grieving in the presence of a less than supportive birth family.

And I've had my work cut out being a single mum getting my daughter through a terrible G.C.S.E year and home schooling.

So if anyone would like to criticise me for being selfish for not attending my mum's funeral go ahead. I feel some people don't look far enough at a situation.

I put my daughter first. And then me. And it might have turned out differently.

I feel really sad about my mum. But also sad that through all those dark days of home schooling and feeling scared as a single parent as to how I was going to make it through, noone in my birth family asked how I was coping. Sorry that is a sad post but just wanted to say I feel your pain.

Im really sorry about your mum condolences

People are ignorant, you always get the smart arses who comment without knowing the full facts, people going no contact do so as a last resort to protect themselves from further abuse & harm.

for you @beigebrownblue & thanks for mentioning Stand Alone.

No one goes NC with a parent without very good reason. for you.

You have every right to your own feelings. They come unbidden.

This thread started in 2017

Zombie thread. A bloody insensitive resurrection too.