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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

428 replies

runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:06

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 07/07/2017 14:38

If DH cheated on me I would tell him, every day, that I wanted him out, that he'd made his choice and he should move in with his OW. And if I posted on here about the great anguish his insisting on staying in the family home was causing me, I would get enormous sympathy and support. If I said that he was saying he didn't want to go as he didn't think that would be best for the dc, I would receive a number of replies based around "well, he wasn't thinking of what was best for the dc when he was out shagging someone else was he?"

The OP's husband is not abusive. He's hurting and angry and can't bear the thought of sharing his home with the person who had affairs. People who know far better than me have said that legally, he has no way of forcing her out- that doesn't mean he is forbidden to tell her that's what he'd prefer.

Therapy from the perspective of "how can we make this horrible situation the least painful for the dc that is possible" sounds like an idea. OP can't do much now about how much she has hurt her husband but there are things she can do to mitigate the effects of her choices and actions on the dc.

theancientmarinader · 07/07/2017 15:06

The op has already moved out, only returns in the daytime and does not want to overnight in the family home (presumably to allow her the freedom to be with the OM after kid's bedtime). She doesn't actually want full overnight custody of the children, as it would interfere with her new relationship. She has already been out of the family home at night for two weeks, but is managing to maintain the facade of normalcy by turning up first thing in the morning and leaving after the kids are in bed.
Her husband gets to do the night duties while she is sleeping with the new man, and for the sake of the children has to welcome her to his kitchen every morning (presumably showered) where she continues to pretend to her children that she still there with daddy.
I have to say he is some sort of freaking Saint. I am not surprised that he is struggling with this 'arrangement' and has said it must stop.
OP needs to decide whether she really does want to be the main carer, or just wants to be seen as the main carer by her children and the world. I wonder if the OM would be quite so keen if she moved back in to the house to resume parenting and the dh moved out, so she really WAS the main carer.
What a bizarre double life op. By day a happily married mother, chatting to daddy in the kitchen and wiping the smiling faces of their charges, by night, slipping out the house after bedtime to her new place as the girlfriend of the dashing mr x. At least have the grace to sort it out properly and not leave your husband in this dreadful limbo where he is forced to have you in the house to protect your ego.

nomoreheroesanymore · 07/07/2017 17:06

@theancientmarinader

A whole load of assumptions there!! She's had an affair. It doesn't make her the devil incarnate - or stop her wanting to be a mother! Plus the children need her.

She realised she had done something wrong. She's trying to find a balance between doing the right thing by her OH and being a mum. Should she stay then? No doubt that would cast her in a bad light to. So she pretty much can't win can she.

nomoreheroesanymore · 07/07/2017 17:07

*too

Lucysky2017 · 07/07/2017 19:10

She should start sleeping ath ome again in that case or she might find things are more difficult after the divorce as courts usually maintain the status quo in terms of who is housed - husband and wife and children and who the children are used to living with.

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 19:30

changed I may be remembering my own posting history wrongly but generally I do not encourage someone 'wronged' to kick their 'not so D' h out.

Personally I'd usually recommended if the wife is the victim of abuse (which is what I have read about more on Mumsnet and known in real life far more than partners being chafed on), that the wife takes kids and finds a safe place.

Because the h has joint ownership the wife cannot be sure he will not return even if he goes, and she cannot change the locks.

So if a woman (or man) is at risk I'd say go somewhere safe and then work out the divorce from there.

If there is an affair I can understand one partner wanting the other out but not if it alienates the parent from their child.

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 19:53

theancientmarinader the op said they had discussed her moving out.

Where does it say she has moved out? Or that she is slipping out to see other man?

You should write novels your presumably showered mind is very fertile!

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 20:09

Look at the opening post. we discussed and *... I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves" here leaves is used as a general verb but suggests she has not left!

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 20:28

Sorry. Forgetting my grammar. The operative words are 'do not,'. She didn't say 'did not', so it looks like she is not talking about something that has already happened.

supersop60 · 07/07/2017 23:34

You should leave. My sister's husband had an affair, devastated the whole family, and refused to leave.It has been absolutely vile for the whole family for about 4 years now. He has been living there, but still seeing OW, going on holiday with her etc. Vile, vile, vile.
Legally, you can'r be thrown out of your own house, but morally, you should go. Give everyone a chance to heal.

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 23:53

supersop60 leave her kids, how do you think that will help them heal?

MyOtherProfile · 08/07/2017 05:32

Italian is it better if their dad leaves then?

supersop60 · 08/07/2017 08:14

italian I didn't say she couldn't see them. If she is unhappily married, and already been caught cheating before this, she really needs to think about her choices. OP you can't have it all.

grungeneverdied · 08/07/2017 08:20

You leave, you did it the dirty way you live with the consequence that's life. If it was the guy everyone would be telling you to chuck him out.

nomoreheroesanymore · 08/07/2017 09:15

It's like Groundhog Day 🤣

WonderLime · 08/07/2017 09:39

I don't think the OP is coming back, but I did want to pick up on something from the original post.

OP mentioned she doesn't want to move in with OM - 'too soon'. I'm wondering when t will be okay then? Will she be moving OM into her house if she can get DH out? It's obviously in the pipeline as she doesn't say it isn't going to happen.

There's a lot of talk about what's disruptive for the DC which is the important issue. I'd say on balance living with one parent is less disruptive than living with another and a new daddy.

Italiangreyhound - Where does it say she's moved out? Or that she is slipping out to see the other man?

My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every day until after bedtime. This is what we've been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked

So she has been leaving the marital home every single night. Where do you think she's been staying out of interest?

Guavaf1sh · 08/07/2017 10:24

Leave

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 11:32

MyOtherProfile I would never tell an unknown person on the internet to leave their home unless they were in danger. if the OPs husband wishes to leave he should. If not, they should work it out until they can sell the property via divorce and establish two homes. The OP mentions bird nesting, I think this is a bad idea except for a very short space of time before divorce sorted. that is my view. I would not tell him to leave but think she should stay, for her own sake and for sake of kids.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 11:38

WonderLime please read what is written... my idea she is asking us for thoughts on her idea of bird nesting where she moves out but returns to care for kids in home. Gooogle 'bird nesting'.

It is an idea based around what is supposedly best for kids, but I don't think it is.I think she feels so guilty thud is why she us considering it.

She does not say she is going to do it or has started doing it, she says she is wondering about it; and she specifically says it is too early to live with OM so all the fantasy on her of sex sessions at night before returning to family home is pure conjecture!

ShoesHaveSouls · 08/07/2017 11:49

I can actually understand the husband not being happy about the bird-nesting thing - I don't think I'd be too happy about it if I was him.

But - if the bird nesting thing is a no-go, the mother, being the primary carer, must stay with the children for now. It may be more sensible to sell up, and get two places, with the children resident with the mother, and visiting the father EOW and a night in the week. It's preferable for the children to stay in the family home, but not always possible, finances don't always allow it. It's more important for the children to be with the primary carer - be that mother or father.

OP doesn't explicitly say so, but I do wonder if the husband is punishing her for the affairs and for wanting to split, b making it very difficult for her to stay living with the children. Men and women frequently use the children to punish the other in a split - I've seen it to various degrees irl countless times.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 12:00

Shoes an excellent and very sensible post.

Bird nesting seems to offer stability for kids but I think effectively elongates the marriage after divorce, if allowed to carry on.

Different parents in the family home at different times is bound to make life difficult for kids.

Plus imagine moving back into a messy home when you left it pristine!

What happens when they both want to move on and marry again, if they do, or have kids with someone else, how will those spouses and kids cope?

I can only see bird nesting as a temporary move. and if so it should be 50/50 or more to primary carer.

Presumably he was happy for his wife to be the primary carer. Just because she has, it seems, fallen out of love with him doesn't mean she does not love the kids. It is clear from her posts she does really love the kids and want to remain the primary carer.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 12:06

"Plus imagine moving back into a messy home when you left it pristine!"

I don't mean that flippantly, I mean one party forever cleaning up after the other.

WonderLime · 08/07/2017 12:52

Italiangreyhound - Sorry, I misunderstood. I've not heard of bird nesting before, but looking at it I can't imagine that's very healthy for the individuals or the children involved in the long run.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 14:16

WonderLime that's OK, I hadn't heard of it before a few weeks ago. Another person somewhere else on Mumsnet was talking about it with their older kids and it sounded really difficult for the parents.

Then when I read the OP here I didn't at first put two and two together.

I can see the appeal as it seems to put the onus on the adults to work around the kids. But to me in reality that isn't family life. Children do move homes and schools dependent on parents' jobs, and marriage break up.

I've not experienced 50/50 care, and again it sounds like it works well for kids to equally see parents etc, but again they are sharing homes with no one fixed base. I suppose individual parents need to work out what is best.

But whatever my thoughts on bird nesting it is clear the OP is considering this so that the kids can be as stable as possible and not because she wants to be sneaking around!

Plus it is also clear from her posts that it had not started when she first posted and she was taking advice (from us) on this - rather than already doing it when she first posted.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2017 14:20

Actually, Wonderlime she does says "This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought" Which I have taken to mean doing the breakfasts and looking after the kids. It didn't take it to mean she had actually moved out yet. It could be ambitious, so apologies. Wonderlime if I am assuming too much!