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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

428 replies

runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:06

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 03/07/2017 21:35

You do not have to leave your children because you had an affair. Your husband has no right to demand you leave them. Just because you had an affair it doesn't automatically make you an unfit mother or someone not fit to have her children with her.

You and your husband need to discuss things sensibly and put the children first when deciding how you are going to split up. I'm sure your husband is very hurt but that doesn't make it ok to then force you to leave your children.

greendale17 · 03/07/2017 21:35

You had an affair. You have now met someone else and want a divorce.

Do the decent thing and leave.

If this was a man who had done this to it a woman, everyone would be in uproar.

juneau · 03/07/2017 21:35

If you're asking for a legal position I suggest you consult a solicitor and get one. You're not going to get a whole lot of sympathy for what you've done and tbh it's a bit rich of you whining now that you don't want your kids to suffer. If I was your STBXH I'd want you out too.

MommaGee · 03/07/2017 21:38

So what do you actually want OP? For gm to go and you have custody and him see them EOW and one night after school? You cheated, you're legally still cheating and you don't want to be THAT mum so he should be that Dad?

sproutish · 03/07/2017 21:44

If he has MH issues, the atmosphere in the family home created because of your cheating/continuing presence may exacerbate this. If you leave him with no choice but to leave the family home himself to escape the problem you've cause, MH issues may deteriorate further if he feels isolated because of his contact with DC decreasing.
Mainly, it's really bloody unfair to use MH against him to make it look like you're the more capable parent, and to try and justify what you're doing putting him through by refusing to leave.

thinkiamgoingcrazy · 03/07/2017 21:45

You absolutely do not have to leave. As some posters have suggested, see a solicitor and go the divorce route. While living in the same house make sure you are as civil as possible and keep any meetings with your new partner as discrete as possible.

Then you can draw up a parenting agreement that suits everbody. Most importantly your dc who need you.

Your H can say that he wants you to leave, but he cannot force you out.

KickAssAngel · 03/07/2017 21:48

But if she leaves who will look after the children? Currently she does it.when courts decide how to split assets it's done by what's best for the kids. Sadly, it doesn't sound like there's enough money to keep the family home and set up another home, so there will need to be compromise.

Whoever is the main care generally continues that pattern with the parent who works/earns most contributing financially. Who had an affair or got violent or whatever is totally irrelevant. It's what the children require to continue with minimal disruption that counts.

And women with a cheating husband get told they have to cohabit and can't kick him out if he could owns or rents.

OP, see a solicitor and I think you need to make this happen for for the sake of everyone so that you can settle into new routines.

43percentburnt · 03/07/2017 21:48

Your current arrangement will mean you are doing most of the childcare whilst the children are awake, yet he can claim maintenance due to overnights.

I think you should see a solicitor and in the meantime stay in the house.

Can you afford to buy him out? Can he afford to buy you out? What hours does your ex work (when he is back at work)?

Don't move out through guilt.

Notknownatthisaddress · 03/07/2017 21:50

Yes you should absolutely leave. As has been said on here, if it were a woman posting to say her husband had behaved as YOU have been behaving, people would be telling the OP to kick him out.

Have to say you sound very self centred and full of self pity. I don't feel for you at all, I feel for your kids and your husband. I hope he finds happiness with someone else. And I hope your kids manage to find a way through this. I know we can't help falling for someone else, but you sound like you think you are the victim.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 03/07/2017 21:50

I do hope that everyone would give exactly the same advice to a male serial cheater whose wife wanted him to leave because it was possible that his behaviour had driven her to be signed off with stress - don't worry: it is fine for you to stay in the house, she has no right to force you to leave.

reallybadidea · 03/07/2017 21:51

You both need to do what is best for the children. That is the bottom line, regardless of blame. You need to work out what that means in practice. It is unlikely that you moving out is in their best interests, as you are the primary caregiver. They need to be able to carry on their lives as normally as possible with plenty of access to both their parents.

Please get legal advice asap and please don't let guilt over the end of your marriage persuade you to make any hasty and possibly irrevocable decisions.

Vereesa · 03/07/2017 21:52

If you were a man people would be a lot more unanimous in saying "the one who has the affair leaves the house".

OnionKnight · 03/07/2017 21:53

You need to leave.

If you were a man, this thread would not be as 'nice'.

Notknownatthisaddress · 03/07/2017 21:53

@KickAssAngel

but if she leaves who will look after the children?

Maybe the husband can look after the kids, and the OP can go out to work full time and pay child support and maintenance to him and the kids. And maybe the new man should too.

If the roles were reversed, that is what the answer would be.

Vereesa · 03/07/2017 21:53

Am I wrong to think that falling out of love with DH doesn't mean I have to spend less time with DC??

Falling out of love is not the same as having an affair.

hungryhippo33 · 03/07/2017 21:54

you've had two affairs, possibly contributed to your husband's mental health problems, and now you are worried how it will look to your children? Your husband has asked you to move out, which is entirely understandable given the circumstances. Is the not wanting to leave really for the children, or because it doesn't suit you as you want to have your cake and eat it?

Have to say that I feel desperately sorry for the husband here.

SoupDragon · 03/07/2017 21:54

No one would be suggesting the OP should refuse to leave if she were a cheating husband.

Whocansay · 03/07/2017 21:54

You need some professional mediation for you and your husband. If you are the primary carer you can't leave the house and the children.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 03/07/2017 21:56

you really want him to go and leave you in the house with the children so that you carry on with your new man and your ex h comes in to cover as a second class citizen as and when you want out to knob the new man?

does that about sum it up??

ImNotDancing · 03/07/2017 21:56

you say you dont want to be the mummy that left. you already lost that choice.
my mother had an affiar, she left us with my dad. my dad is my best friend and I will always hate my mother a small bit for leaving me.
This is the bed you have made, now you need to lie in it with your OM. Why should your husband suffer even more because you broke your vows

muckypup73 · 03/07/2017 21:57

Sorry but you need to leave, sounds like your taking the piss out of this poor fella, and I am not surprised he feels the way he does.

hter · 03/07/2017 21:57

So you were just expecting to be able to live together still, despite cheating and wanting to leave him?

Or to kick him out, the father of your kids who you've driven to depression and anxiety by cheating on him repeatedly?

Re-read that to yourself.

OsmiumPhazer · 03/07/2017 21:58

Affairs happen, it is a fact of life and you're only human like everyone else so how are we to judge? However like many in these situations you thought of your own needs not your husband (who you made a vow to) and certainly not to your children. If there is any way of salvaging your marriage, do so if not then leave because you broke your vows. Sorry to sound so harsh

StarryCorpulentCunt · 03/07/2017 21:58

You are the one who cheated, you want to separate, you have an OM so you leave the home. Why the Hell should your DH be the "bad guy" who leaves his home and kids when he has done nothing wrong? Why should he have to tolerate your company when you are the one who cheated on him? If it was the other way around and it was him who cheated everyone would be telling you to pack his bags, kick him out, he made his bed so he should lie in it. Why is it different, just because you're a woman? You don't like the impact on your kids? Well you should have thought of that before. You are the one who has behaved abominably here.

Angleshades · 03/07/2017 21:59

This is not about who's fault it is or where the blame lies. It is about what is best for the children moving forwards.

Op you need to have some tough discussions with your husband in order to work out what's in the best interests of the kids.