Also, we don't know that he was innocent. We know that he was an innocent party where the affair was concerned but we don't know anything else about the marriage.
My ex husband took naked pictures of me while I was asleep but didn't tel me about them until he deleted them after we split. He prevented me from going back to work by making sure he always worked the longest hours so I had to pick up all the childcare, and when I found alternative arrangements he told me we had to move towns to be closer to his work as it was too stressful otherwise. In the early stages of our relationship he told me that liking slightly rough sex meant that I would probably quite enjoy it if he raped me. He never followed through on that one to be fair but he still said it. He put bugs in the house and key loggers on the computer because he felt that he deserved to know everything I was doing while he was out. He disabled the heating controls so I couldn't have the heating on in the winter while he wasn't there. There are far more than that but those are just some examples.
And I find it amazing that had I posted about those in their own thread I would have been told how controlling and abusive he was and should contact women's aid to help me leave.
But because I had an affair and then left the marriage everything he did prior to that is wiped out and he has become an innocent saint who did no wrong because I had an affair and that makes everything else he did just me making excuses so I could have a quick shag.
How far should that go? If a woman posted here that her husband beat her up regularly would that domestic violence become irrelevant if she met someone else and left her marriage for him?
Do people really think that an affair is the worst that can ever happen in a marriage? Worse than physical or emotional abuse even?
I wish I'd never had the affair. It's not the answer and it's certainly nothing to be proud of. But anyone who thinks and believes that I had an affair in the midst of a happy marriage where my husband just wanted to love me and do the best for us needs to have a bit of a look at how they determine right from wrong.
Now we don't know that the OP's h is anything like mine. But equally we don't know that he was a saint just merrily going about his marriage until the OP had an affair and caused him to fall into a depression either.
And generally we take people at face value on here. If someone comes on and says they were innocent and their partner had an affair we believe them. So why is it that if someone comes on and says that they had an affair in the midst of an unhappy marriage are they called all manner of names and expected to take full responsibility for everything that happened?