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Original poster

Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

428 replies

runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:06

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

OP posts:
Patronsaintofglocks · 03/07/2017 21:09

He can't force you out. Don't leave your kids.

I understand his point but as everything is joint he has no legal standing.

Patronsaintofglocks · 03/07/2017 21:10

Also withdraw your half of them joint savings before he does, you won't be able to get them back.
Best of luck, hope you find your happiness.

Original poster
runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:10

So, in practice what do I do? Just stay in the house despite toxic atmosphere and insist on seeing a solicitor?

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 03/07/2017 21:11

Think long and hard if you will be happy if he is the resident parent. .

And if that's best for the dc.
Just because you didn't cut it as a wife (in his eyes I must make clear) doesn't mean he can make you pay by using the dc. .. Which could happen if it gets messy. .

(speaking as a once cheating dw and payed the price)

Patronsaintofglocks · 03/07/2017 21:11

Yes- that is the only option you have really unless you want to leave.
Try to have an adult conversation with him about what is best for the children- if he is creating a toxic atmosphere you might want to think about asking your solicitor that.

SubordinateThatClause · 03/07/2017 21:12

To be honest, I don't think you have much choice. You're the one who wants to separate. You can't have it both ways... sorry Confused

AddictedToDrPepper · 03/07/2017 21:12

I would leave if I were you.

CookieMonster54 · 03/07/2017 21:13

Yes you go. You left the marriage. You should leave the house. Your husband, on the basis of what you've told us here, is blameless.

The distress on the kids is inevitable, but they'll get over it. It is also entirely your own fault, so you need to face up to that.

Patronsaintofglocks · 03/07/2017 21:13

An affair is shitty, no doubt but if you leave the courts will look at that as abandoning the children for another man- and you won't have any luck from that.

outabout · 03/07/2017 21:13

You don't want to be the 'Mummy that leaves' but you did want to be the one who cheated, and you already have an 'OM' option.
You made your choice already.

debbs77 · 03/07/2017 21:15

Just because you are female doesn't mean you get to have an affair, ruin your family AND take the kids with you. Your affair; you leave

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2017 21:16

So, in practice what do I do? Just stay in the house despite toxic atmosphere and insist on seeing a solicitor?

Yes on both counts. Honestly, I'd want a cheating spouse to leave, too. But that doesn't mean I have the legal right to demand it.

And PP suggested withdrawing 50% of joint fund? Do that too, as well as arranging any income (wages, benefits) you receive to be paid into a sole account also. For your share of contribution to household expenses you can transfer your share into the joint account.

Lucked · 03/07/2017 21:17

I feel for your poor husband. However marriages break down and you need to see a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:17

To be clear, I'm not considering leaving with the DC. What worries me is that he can force me out and I would end up with less time with them than I want.

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 03/07/2017 21:17

Can't say I blame him really. If it was a bloke posting this the consensus would be throw his stuff out, change the locks.

ShapelyBingoWing · 03/07/2017 21:19

Who is the primary care giver for the children? If it's 50:50 or if it's him, you need to leave. You want to anyway. And it's you who's moved on already.

Original poster
runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:20

I know that ... but that would still not be legal if he was joint owner of the house.
I am the main carer for DC (have arranged work to do all school pick ups / drop offs etc) and want to stay that way.
Am I wrong to think that falling out of love with DH doesn't mean I have to spend less time with DC??

OP posts:
sproutish · 03/07/2017 21:21

If OP was a cheating husband, whether or not she should leave (when the DP who was betrayed wants her to go) wouldn't even be a question. The person with the OW/OM should leave IMO.
How old are your DC OP? Will they know you've had an affair? They'll pick up on the atmosphere.

Original poster
runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:23

Yes but it does make a difference when the person who cheated (not making any excuses for this) is the main carer for DC and has cut down her career / worked part time to be with them and still is.

OP posts:
Original poster
runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:25

Other issue is that DH has MH issues, is on 3 types of meds and is currently signed off work with stress.
I know this is totally understandable and justified given what I have done, but it does make me doubt what he says.

OP posts:
BadHatter · 03/07/2017 21:26

This is rich. A serial cheater of a wife can do no wrong. It's the victim husband that's created a toxic environment. 🙄

You leave. Be decent. Biscuit

NaiceBiscuits · 03/07/2017 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hermonie2016 · 03/07/2017 21:33

A marriage breakdown means both parties spend less time with the children. That is the reality.

Leave if you can't bear the atmosphere.Most wives are told to kick their cheating spouses out since it's unfair for your husband to tolerate you dating your new boyfriend from the family home.

Just think of the impact on his mental health knowing you are texting and seeing your boyfriend?? Do ypu plan on having dinner at home and then go on a date with boyfriend?It's really hard to continue an amicable house share whilst that level of disrespect is going on.

You can leave and not impact your financial interests in the house.Your husband maybe able to adjust his work so that he has 50/50 childcare.He may also want to buy you put of the house.

Have a sensible financial conversation in regards to splitting the finances and get to a solicitor to have it drawn up.If the house needs to be sold then you could be living solo by 6 months.Aim for that and keep it as amicable as you can, remember your dh is innocent in this and needs to be treated with respect whilst you separate.

If you do that there is a chance you will both move on happily on the future.

NaiceBiscuits · 03/07/2017 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 03/07/2017 21:33

You really want to have your cake and eat it, don't you?! You've cheated on your DH, more than once, told him you want to separate, and yet want to live in the same house as him indefinitely against his will?

And , somehow, he becomes the bad guy who is "forcing you out"? Hmm