Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

The affair thing is a total red herring.

It's about what you want now, especially in terms of parenting your children. If you are the primary parent or want shared custody, then absolutely don't feel forced to move out -- it will weaken your position significantly as then your XH will be the only 'resident parent' and it's hard for you to come back from that.

If you think you are the most appropriate primary parent, and you think it's best for the children to stay in their current home, then don't move out.

Also totally agree with you about not rushing to move in with a new relationship. You have a good sense of what is/isn't desirable in a new relationship at this stage, and I suspect you are right to think it would be too soon and bad for the kids.

I'm absolutely not saying your XH is unreasonable to be upset be all of this; he must be. I just don't think this is about morals or judgement; it's about what you want (and what is best for the children) going forward.

I am a family law solicitor.

He can't force you out of the house, but if you move out, you move out. You can't invade his privacy by expecting to come home twice a day to look after the kids.

He could change the locks. Whilst you would be able to secure an occupation order to be allowed back in so that you could return to live there, I doubt a court would give you that order if you wanted to be there at specified times. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot?

Ffs, stop demonising the guy because he has MH problems. It's a disgusting attitude.

How often do we have women posting on here whose husbands have been abusive (serial cheating is abusive in my opinion) and who say they suffer from anxiety and/or depression? A lot. And they are usually told that once their cheating, lying spouse leaves they'll probably find their anxiety does too.

To suggest that maybe he shouldn't be allowed alone with the children overnight because he has mh issues is the kind of statement that stigmatises mh sufferers.

Even the OP said it's not surprising he has mh problems considering her behaviour. So she does have some insight.

And did I miss the post where the op said he'd been aggressive or abusive?

And plenty of people cheat without having been in failed toxic marriages. Sometimes the marriages are toxic because one of the partners is a cheat.

Double standards are abounding on this thread.

I really think you need to see a shit hot lawyer actually. For some good and realistic advice here; it's complicated. Quick further thoughts:

• Would you say you are roughly entitled to half of the equity in the house and savings? Is it clear cut, or uneven/difficult to say?

• Assuming you'd both think it was fair to get half each, what would your half allow you to buy or rent? (E.g. does one person have to keep the house in order to give the children a proper home? Or could you both manage separately if you sold it and used savings?)

Just strikes me that it may actually be more fair to both agree to sell the house (or even just rent it out and divide the income) and then move forward separately. Then you can focus on what's best for the kids, rather than on some kind of retribution for your affair. I can see the temptation on your DH's part, but I don't think it's in the kids' best interests to punish you by forcing you out into either inappropriate accommodation where you can't have them visit, or into an inappropriately early-stage new relationship that you don't feel is ready for this step.

You cheated.

You're the one in the wrong.

You should be the one to go.

My husband's moved out temporarily just today because I am desperate for some space since I learnt of his affair a few weeks ago. I hadn't even imagined how much worse it would be if the only way I could get that space would be to leave my children. I feel sorry for your husband.

I feel for you too, as you're in a tough situation where whichever way you jump you are going to hurt someone. I'm reading the 'Guide for separated parents' by Karen and Nick Woodall at the moment which says that parents should not consider that they have rights with respect to access to their children but instead responsibilities to share contact in the best interests for the children. The rights and wrongs of the marriage are entirely separate. It sounds like you are in a position to handle that separation of issues but your husband naturally isn't yet. Give him as much space as you can but the children have to come first and from what you have said that means you shouldn't move out without them. Don't let them become collateral damage.

Good luck. Please look after your own mental health too, the children will need you to be strong over the coming months.

What Anti grinch said, with bells on

Do NOT put your new man ahead of your children. Just stop it.

MN amazes me at times, yes she had an affair but why should the kids suffer and lose their primary carer?

I know plenty of people that grew up having been left by a mum or dad, they ones that were left by their mum are far more scarred than the ones left by their dad.

I think you need to finish with OM until this is all sorted and tell your husband that you are doing that. Move back in fulltime. Come to an adult agreement with your DH about separation and the children and living arrangements based on children's needs. The agreement you just came to didn't work and it is not surprising. Then once you are free, think about another relationship.

Must say I agree with this, though it will still be hard for your husband. Certainly better than the current arrangement though.

If the other man loves you enough to want to spend his future with you then he'll understand. If not, then he wasn't worth the affair in the first place.

Why don't you rent a room that you take turns using so the other parent can have equal access and share the family home that way? He then gets his space and it minimises disruption for the children.

OP hasn't said a lot about why she was unhappy in her marriage. Depression and anger issues often go together- although not always obviously.

Not all of us fucking, awful, stupid, mean people are saying op should be punished for having an affair. But, realistically, when a marriage ends both parents usually see less of their children.

Incidentally, my father was many, many times more important than my mother. I wouldn't have been safe left with her.

I don't think it's fair to say that somebody should be forced out of a parenting role just because of having an affair. Decisions that will genuinely be right for the children NEED to be about their parenting, not about punishing them for their affair or behaviour in terms of the relationship.

It's not really comparable to "similar" situations where the husband has cheated on a wife, for the simple reason that most mothers are the primary parent while fathers are generally not. It would usually make most sense for the cheating XH to leave the family home, not only as 'punishment' for cheating but because the mother is more clearly the main parent. In this case you need to separate the 'punishment' for cheating (end of relationship) from the decision about who is going to be the primary parent. Because even if she has cheated, if the OP is the best and most logical primary parent, then it has a major bearing on how they move forward.

No one is more important than your own mother

Yes, because a child only had a mother and was an immaculate conception Both parents are equal, not just the ones without a penis.

In this case the dad seems the only parent putting the children first, he didn't cheat, isn't now with another woman or tormenting his wife by refusing to leave whist sleeping with someone else.

The OP should do the decent thing and leave. Everything seems to have been all about her, let somebody else be put first for a change.

Some people on here seem to think that it is worth punishing children to punish their mother. Fuck punishment. Be with your children. they deserve the best the world has to give them. Which is you. No one is more important than your own mother

Out of interest, in what way is cheating making sure children get 'the best the world has to give them'. There may well be good reason to split up but I struggle to,see why anyone needs to cheat in the process. And plenty of children are better off with their father, grandparents, adoptive parents, foster careers.....than with their own mother.

The father is just as equal as the mother to a child.

If you have an affair, you're the one who broke up the family and you should go. Regardless of gender.

Why should the father have to move out of his home and see a lot less of his children because of the wife's selfish fuck up?

Depression & anger issues often go together

Very true, my ex had serious, violent anger issues. It made me very depressed.

"The father is just as equal as the mother to a child.

If you have an affair, you're the one who broke up the family and you should go. Regardless of gender."

Er, no, it's not really about who broke up the family -- it's about who is the most appropriate primary parent. Of course both parents are equal! But you're judging on the wrong criteria (affair, not parenting).

there is absolutely no way on this planet that i would leave my children if i had an affair, he's the one who can't live with you, he can go.

^^ ^^ ^ ^^ ^^
Wow. Just wow. Can't believe this.

What's best for the children, is having parents who are mentally stable.

The OP is contributing to her STBXH mental health issues. That will impact on his parenting = not in the best interests of the children.

This is why so many men are scared of marriage. Wife cheats and they end up paying for it.

OP - start thinking about your children. It doesn't sound like you did this when you embarked on the second affair.

How did you envisage things would be with them,? Do you honestly think the current arrangement is sustainable?

If your husband didn't love you, it wouldn't bother him. Imagine seeing the man you love coming and going. Knowing another woman has been in his arms that night and that he's going back to sleep with her.

Please have some compassion for the father of your children and the man you once loved enough to marry.

Every time you come and leave, a bit more of him is chipped away. His heart will be breaking and he'll be fighting away the tears.

Then it happens all over again the next day. There's only so much a human being can take.

He feels inadequate. Unable to satisfy you and most likely emasculated.

Do you want him to be a shell of his former self... Because you're going about it the right way.

If this is the best way you know to cope with a relationship where you're unhappy, you need to ask why you didn't pull the plug years ago.

Your new man knows you have children. Start a proper custody or visitation arrangement.

Do the children know you've left or moved out? Do they know your are in a new relationship?
Is your new man accepting of the children?

Think carefully, otherwise you could destroy the relationship you have with them.

Can you pick them up and take to a family members house for your time with them?

Basically, you husband doesn't want to see you. You need to figure out how to see the kids elsewhere.

Please don't feel as though you have to leave - your husband has no right to tell you what you can and can't do.

And besides, do you really want to leave your young children in the hands a mentally ill, possibly unstable (and by the sounds of it rather controlling) man? Goodness knows what might happen to them. Think of your children is my advice.

No, cheating isn't doing the best thing. But having cheated, the point is what is best for the children. And that isn't to make some weird punished pariah of the mother.

"f you have an affair, you're the one who broke up the family and you should go. Regardless of gender."

No, this is stupid. Having an affair or being a bearer of blame in any way within the marriage has nothing to do with who should spend time with the dcs and who shoudl live with them. they are separate. Betray your spouse, you deserve to lose your spouse. Betray your spouse - your children still do not deserve to lose you.

It's only about the children. Children aren't prizes who are awarded as gifts to virtuous adults. Children are people who need certain people to look after them, no matter what.