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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

428 replies

runningLou · 03/07/2017 21:06

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

OP posts:
Figaro2017 · 03/07/2017 22:14

Maybe not Karlos, however the defenders of this woman are noticeable in their absence in defending men.

DixieNormas · 03/07/2017 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

indigox · 03/07/2017 22:16

If you're the main carer why would you leave the kids?

Oakmaiden · 03/07/2017 22:16

How old are the children? Do you both work full time? (Understand that he is currently home sick, but otherwise?)

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 03/07/2017 22:16

It's very Old Testament round here this evening I must say. Really rather spooky.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 03/07/2017 22:17

Op, I think you need to move out to give your husband space. By your own admission his mental health is being damaged, do you think that this happened in a vacuum? You need to look at what you are doing to your family by contiuing your affair and yet wanting to play happy families

Starlight2345 · 03/07/2017 22:17

MN is a very funny place with regards to affairs.

Your DH has every right to be extremely angry with you.

This is actual a question of childcare.

Whether male or female..Removing who does the prime care in the house is not in the childs best interest.

I would seek legal advice not advice on MN.

Lucysky2017 · 03/07/2017 22:18

I'm a lawyer. Don't leave the house and take on decisions without paying for half an hour's meeting with a solicitor.
If necessary initiate divorec proceedings based on your husband's unreasonable behaviour but whilst you both remain in the house. We did that and it took 7 months. I could afford a massive remortgage to pay him off. He then left after the whole thing had gone through. We were both advised by solicitors not to leave the marital home as it would have made the legal position of each of us so much worse.

GoldenOrb · 03/07/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notknownatthisaddress · 03/07/2017 22:18

It is of course quite possible that the posters advocating here that the op should not leave are not the same posters who squeak LTB when a man gets off with a woman other than his wife.

I think there is a very strong probability that they ARE the same posters.

Double standards and sexism towards men are rife on mumsnet.

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/07/2017 22:19

Thing is, you have met someone else. You don't know your DH anymore. So living under the same roof isn't so bad for you. He didn't choose for this to happen. He has to see you every day feels no angry and hurt. Generally, when someone takes that power away, you need space and your own control. You need to give him that.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 03/07/2017 22:19

It is of course quite possible that the posters advocating here that the op should not leave are not the same posters who squeak LTB when a man gets off with a woman other than his wife.
Had this occurred to you, Music?

Er, yeah - that was kind of my point if you read what I posted.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 03/07/2017 22:19

You complain about being in a toxic atmosphere, how do you think your kids feel? It's not going to get better while you're there. It will likely get worse. I can't believe your DH has been able to put up with you hanging around all day acting as though you're a decent mother.

You say you don't want to leave your kids but you made that choice when you had an affair. You chose to destroy their family. Twice! What a horrible thing to do!

I love the way you say you're not ready to move in with the OM yet, as though if you'd been cheating longer you'd go ahead and do that. I think this is all bullshit and you just want to stay in the nice house.

You made the decision to do something awful. Your children shouldn't be primarily raised by an awful person. You get out, allow your poor husband to recover, and allow your kids to try to grow up in a positive home.

You have made life so, so much harder for your children. They will hate you for what you did. The best thing you can do is let them try to form a new family unit. Support your STBXH by doing everything he needs and for god's sake keep the OM away from all of them.

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/07/2017 22:19

Thing is, you have met someone else. You don't know your DH anymore. So living under the same roof isn't so bad for you. He didn't choose for this to happen. He has to see you every day feels no angry and hurt. Generally, when someone takes that power away, you need space and your own control. You need to give him that.

Inertia · 03/07/2017 22:20

Breaking up a marriage generally does mean that you spend less time with your children , yes.

You seem to want it all ways. You want the new man, the house, the children as and when you choose, and your husband to do as he's told.

You don't want to be the mummy that leaves, but you were not bothered about the impact that your affair would have on your children's lives. You only care now because it affects you, and things haven't worked out according to your plan. You should have thought about 'too soon' before you went down the road of having affairs.

You don't get to call the shots. You and your husband need to work out together what's best for the children.

Notknownatthisaddress · 03/07/2017 22:20

Nice bunch of excuses for an affair there @gutinstinct

OnionKnight · 03/07/2017 22:21

If necessary initiate divorec proceedings based on your husband's unreasonable behaviour

I'm sorry, what?

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/07/2017 22:21

*love, not know.

It must kill him that you're okay with the current setup. Every time you try to make things harmonious, it probably twists the knife even more.

Squashit · 03/07/2017 22:23

I don't think you should leave unless you think staying will mean you are unsafe. Is your soon to be XH mentally stable enough to be entrusted with the full time care of the children? Is he likely to be aggressive?

I don't think having an affair means you have to be punished and feel the 'sinner' in all this. There are far worse things people do in marriages- there is usually a lot more to a relationship breakdown before an affair happens.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 03/07/2017 22:24

Fucking bold fail Hmm

I said about double standards.

I then said if a man kissed another woman it would be 'kick him out' but when a woman has two affairs she's still advised to, effectively, kick him out even though he's the innocent party.

SoupDragon · 03/07/2017 22:25

If necessary initiate divorec proceedings based on your husband's unreasonable behaviour

WTF?? She had an affair plus "met someone else" and he is the unreasonable one?

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/07/2017 22:26

Why are we using this man's mental health difficulties to assume he's a danger?

If I was tolerating what he was being put through, I'd be bloody depressed and anxious too!

mummarichardson · 03/07/2017 22:26

As a child of divorce whose mum left because she was made to by her dad, please please please don't leave. It's easy for everyone to look at this from a way that you done the deed so therefore YOU must be punished perspective but honestly kids don't care. They love you unconditionally and it will break their hearts if it's seen as you 'leaving' them and seen to be choosing a man over them. You did something wrong and the right course of action is to put the kids first. What would they want? You at home or dad? What they really want is both and of they can't have that then the best you can give them is two parents who share their kids equally and who pour all their energy and love into them. Maybe further down the line it may turn out for you both to sell house and get two smaller but more comfortable homes but don't leave your kids right now.

DixieNormas · 03/07/2017 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/07/2017 22:30

Think about what is best for your children.

When you have children you have to put their needs before your own.

That includes your love life.

You will regret it if you go. Not now but later

Think carefully

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