Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

"ImNotDancing Mon 03-Jul-17 21:56:58
you say you dont want to be the mummy that left. you already lost that choice.
my mother had an affiar, she left us with my dad. my dad is my best friend and I will always hate my mother a small bit for leaving me.
This is the bed you have made, now you need to lie in it with your OM. Why should your husband suffer even more because you broke your vows"

The OP doesn't want to leave her children.

But you are saying she has to? Because your mother did, and you want the OP's children to "hate her a small bit" too?

This thread is really depressing.

OP, I hear you, and I hope a solicitor can help you. I can completely understand why you would want to continue caring for your chldren - your whole life has been set up to do that. Suggesting that you have to go out and become the breadwinner is unrealistic as your career has already taken the hit of having children.

I'm actually quite amazed at how victorian some of the attitudes on here are. So illogical.

mummarichardson Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's applicable to everyone. I was in a situation where both parents stayed and it certainly made it worse. When I found out I despised my mother for the years that followed and saw her as a coward for putting my dad through that suffering.

To clarify - when I said "your whole life has been set up to do that" I meant your entire current set-up - working part time, arranging pick-ups and drop-offs around work - is set up for being the main carer.

No, he can't make you leave.

But do the first decent thing you've done in 4 years and leave.

I don't think your plan is fair on your DH.

But you say that you don't intend to leave and take the DC with you (why not?), so I guess the only alternative is for him to leave, which doesn't seem very fair either.

Take the kids if you must. Split the childcare. But stop putting him through this.

Ok affair aside as that's between you and your ex husband.
You both need to do what's best for the dc.
You say you are primary carer, you do school drop off and pick up. So what does he propose would be the new arrangement if you moved out?
If you move in with the OM, does he realise that the children will be likely spending 50% of their time there?
How does he propose splitting the house/money etc. Can he buy you out?

I personally wouldn't leave without at least 50/50 care arrangement of my dc. But the idea of you coming and going is silly, you need to seperate properly.

Veressa - Right back at you.

I am not saying she shouldn't take responsibility and I am definitely not saying that her husband should try and make it work but I don't think as primary caregiver she should rip her kids world apart and 'leave them'. It's not about her or her husband, it's what's best for the kids and I believe stability is more important then someone being punished

I haven't read every post, but the people who are saying you should leave are thinking more about your dh's feelings than about the children's.

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD NOT LEAVE!! I am so sorry for using capitals. You cannot leave your dc with the emotional stress of what has happened, and I think you should be sleeping there every night especially if DH has MH issues.

I absolutely sympathise with your DH. He must feel dreadful. He agreed to something 2 weeks ago but can't hack it. It is really sad for him and for you.

But it is not the children's fault and their needs should come first.

I think you need to finish with OM until this is all sorted and tell your husband that you are doing that. Move back in fulltime. Come to an adult agreement with your DH about separation and the children and living arrangements based on children's needs. The agreement you just came to didn't work and it is not surprising. Then once you are free, think about another relationship.

I think it is better to have a time single to come to terms with things before moving on for most people, anyway.

Just because you are female doesn't mean you get to have an affair, ruin your family AND take the kids with you. Your affair; you leave

If a woman posted here saying her DH had an affair, has a new OW, but is refusing to move out, people would point out the fact that she can't make him leave and that he still has a right to stay in the family home and be with his children, at least until/unless a court decides otherwise.

The OP has behaved badly, and my sympathies are with her DH, but don't forget about the DCs in all of this. What would they want? I have an adult relative who is in counselling to this day because his mother who had been his primary carer left the family home. Has the OP been primary carer? It would be cruel to remove that from her DCs unnecessarily. I think they should start divorce proceedings and see what a judge decides.

Who said they were excuses? I specifically said that affairs are wrong, but six years on I'm not going to keep beating myself up over the fact that meeting someone else led me to leave an abusive relationship.

I didn't leave for the OM, I'm not proud of what I did and I can hand on heart say I would never do it again. But we don't live in a black and white universe. My husband would have taken me back at the time and I had family tell me that the only reasons to ever leave a relationship should be physical violence or an affair and that as he was prepared to forgive me I should be prepared to go back.

The OP should have left after the first affair not gone back for the sake of the children. But it is naive to think that when a marriage is unhappy it was only ever unhappy when the affair came to light. Affairs shouldn't happen. But society should be more accepting of someone's right to leave an unhappy relationship, and yes, I say that about men as well as women. How many threads do we see on here about a husband wanting to leave a relationship, and the posters just will not accept that there might not be anyone else in the picture.

Incidentally, We stayed in the house for a period while we sorted out the finances. Separate bedrooms etc though but ironically he was the one who had an ongoing relationship with an ex (who was also married) after we'd split, and then moved in the first woman he met on tinder and who he now gaslights in a similar way to me. In fact I have found out only today that he's lied to her about an event he's going to and told her that partners aren't included so he can go on his own.

So she's had an affair, all entitlement to live her dc is automatically forfeited.
Did I go to sleep and wake up in 1817?

This, exactly! And I speak of soneone whose ex had the ( 2+ year) affair. I left him in the house as I had somewhere to go (parents then a house they own) and he didn't. He was still DCs dad and it was a case of sorting something that could work longer term rather than trying to leave him with nothing to show he was in the wrong. If I had done that, I'm not sure DC would have forged the new relationship they have with him.

In your situation, OP, i would be getting legal advice before moving anywhere and probably deciding not to keep the family home. The best option is for you AND your ex to have a home (rented for you with 6 months paid upfront with your half of the sale proceeds/savings if need be). The most important thing is for your kids to have their normal situation (you taking and picking up from school) continue.

Affairs are never right but ultimately both parties need to put the kids first. I know how bloody hard that is having been through it but at every stage I held onto what was best for DC and that made every decision a no brainer.

Take the kids if you must. Split the childcare. But stop putting him through this.

Taking them means he'd continue to go through it. He's going to be going through it whatever happens. OP says she could afford to rent a room, that won't be good enough for her DCs.

I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
but does not care for dh to look like this
would love to read replies if dh had affair and wouldn't leave
too selfish for words

Why won't you take the dcs with you?

Sorry to post again, but I agree with the poster who says you should split up with your new man, at least for the time being. He's an unhelpful complication and a red rag to a bull where your ex is concerned. It won't hurt you to be single, it might be good for you. End your marriage cleanly and with a minimum of drama, you owe your kids that. If this new man is Mr Right he'll wait.

Perhaps the OP can clarify what she meant when she said To be clear, I'm not considering leaving with the DC because it does sound as if the OP already spends some nights away from the house with the OM.

OP, your ideas to turn up and do breakfast/bedtime are unrealistic. You wouldn't want your DH to do this if he was going to leave minutes later to see someone else! You need to split custody and not expect to have both parents in the same house at the same time. It comes across as you not wanting to look bad, rather than for the children's benefit.

Don't leave your kids, nobody can make you do that.

Put them first consistently.

The marriage needs to end though, for your and DH emotional well being.

OM should have no bearing on your decisions right now.

would love to read replies if dh had affair and wouldn't leave

Type "DH had affair, won't leave" into the search box. There are a lot of them.

"Believeitornot Mon 03-Jul-17 22:40:09
Why won't you take the dcs with you?"

Because moving the children wouldn't be in their interest.

Because the OP can't afford it.

Because her husband probably doesn't want that either.

"indigox Mon 03-Jul-17 22:16:01
If you're the main carer why would you leave the kids?"

The OP doesn't want to.

Her husband is asking her to.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on tonight?

I think your presence is hard for him to deal with, so yes I can understand why he wants you out.

I don't understand why you didn't face up to the fact that the marriage was over and end it before cheating on because this way it creates a lot of bitterness and hurt.

Honestly, I'd want my husband gone too. Your clothes and belongings are a constant reminder of you and it will be hindering his ability to try and recover from your second betrayal.

If something or someone hurt you, I'm sure you wouldn't want them near you.

Sort out the finances like him buying you out or whatever else gets you your equity. You coming and going is a bitter pill to swallow.

Think about it. You're still married and you go home to be with your lover every night.... It's tough for the betrayed spouse.

If a marriage is failing, sometimes people move on emotionally before it's "officially over". This does not mean you get the shitty end of the stick, it's about what is best for the children. You are the primary care giver, so you need to keep giving that primary care. Perhaps you need to sell the house and both have the equity available to plan new things and work out some good access. You need this agreement on paper before you leave. Affair or no affair they are still your kids x good luck op x

If the home is in joint names, neither partner can force the other to leave because of infidelity.
If your H becomes abusive or aggressive, he can be removed, though. No one gets to punish a partner for infidelity in any way apart from ending the relationship. And even then, division of assets and custody/contact etc need to be sorted out on the basis of what's best for DC.

Affairs (particularly when it;s the woman who meets someone else) are often a way out of a failed or toxic relationship that';s been dragging on miserably for years.

OP: try to keep things calm and civil with your H while you get legal advice and/or arrange mediation. Yes, he may be sad and hurt, but that doesn't mean he's allowed to become aggressive or behave in a way that upsets the children.