Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

beegee.. i cannot not be negative, as IMHO, this relationship is not a healthy one, based on what has been said on here

not about doing it my way, but ,as i have said, it is sad and frustrating and upsetting as an observer to see what QP is going through

so that does make me feel negative, yes, but i think that that is an ok way to feel, i have a feeling of doom about this whole relationship , i might be really far off the mark, but that is how i feel

do you think that things will work out well?

I think that is the kind of drama you need to discuss with your psychiatrist who may find it significant in his diagnosis

i think QP, you need to get some real therapy from trained people, as i said a bit earlier this evening, an internet forum is not equipped to deal with this level of trauma and upset

has no mother felt such a failure for a few moments that she suddenly thinks "DS?DD would be better off in care". I am guilty of being to open and honest - hardly a big drama to feel a crap mother

i have never felt that , no

being open and honest is really important ! and being able to take on board what is said too ..which i presume you are , to a point

just think that the last few months have been full of huge upsets and traumas, and massive emotional upheaval

and you need to get started on the road to recovery

the suggestion of the 'negative' remarks are more about - 'what a waste of farkigntime' type of posts.

I understand your negative projections of the future between QP and (D)H...I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I don't think he's treating her at all right and, yes, I do think it's pretty doomed TBH. But, I think if QP doesn't go through all this in her way, she'll never know/learn.

I don't think you're far off the mark at all...just think QP is dealing with a lot right now and doesn't need her thread to turn into a bitch-fest.

i agree that a bitchfest does not help anyone

i know QP has to do this her way BUT my main concern is , at what point does she stop trying again ?

when he leaves again?

when he strangles her again?

when he tells her he does not love her again?

just feel sad that this is her world, at 20

I know lulu - I do agree with you very much. It's really sad - and she's gorgeous too. She has to start putting her foot down...big style...she knows I think this, anyway. Always telling her these sorts of things.

She lacks a lot of confidence - depression hinders her actions 90% of the time, I'd say. It's hard to watch, but I understand how my confidence was knocked during my PTSD and PND - I became a different person.

good you are there for her beegee

QP, incase you ever feel that bad again; being in care is not a lovely happy bundle of laughs experience.

It is terrifying and alienating. Particuarly for a young child, to be taken away from all that is familiar and from those it has attachments too, to be placed with strangers in a home that is not and never will be theirs, no matter how 'nice' the people are to them. It is seriously damaging to most children who experience it.

and that, thank God is why SS (usually) do all that they can to keep children with their parents, unless/until it becomes totally necessary to take them away.

I have never been in care but have worked with many children who have been/or are.

You dismiss your calls to SS last week as 'fleeting momments of desparation', I say once again that I am shocked you can dismiss such an action so easily. I would have thought that such a shocking act would have been your wake up call for change.

I say these things to try to edge you closer to what seems to be a glaring truth to many on here, based on what you've told us, and not to bully you or make you feel bad.

I think you have many wonederful qualities, ypu come across as a genuinely good person, but I feel you will never shine until you move on from this realtionship.

I also think from what you've said your DH will not deal with his own issues until this realtionship is over either. I think it would probably be the best thing for him too.

I do really wish you all the best QP. I wish all of you the best, DS and even DH.

I hope you eventually get all the good things you deserve.

I completely agree with Lulumama's comment that "also, there is a point at which unconditional support is not good".
It would be doing QP a disservice to suggest that we support her decision to remain in an abusive relationship.
It would also be failing her child.

QP, no i never have for a second thought that dd would be better off in care. i have (as i said in an earlier post) done things of which i am ashamed as a parent but i know that DD is best off with me. regardless of whether i bathe her every night.

i wonder if all the business of house tidying, ds bathing etc is what's called displacement activity, whereby you focus on small things while the 'elephant' of you and DH's none-too-wonderful relationship remains in the room? also the house is something that you can control, i suppose, where everything else (including your meds) is under DH's jurisdiction.

you know i hold you in the highest regard, quoots, (and i think lulu does too, btw ). you're so bright and funny and cool, frankly (and no offence to other 20-year-olds on MN) i can't imagine liking another 20-year-old mother half as much. because she'd be near enough half my age, for a kick-off. [sigh]

i remember even when you turned up on here you were such a laugh, if a leeettle nervy about BLW . so it's hard for us to see someone of whom we are so fond get messed about and not be able to see it...

perhaps it is a function of age, perhaps you do just have to got through this shite, who knows? i wish you could see what we see...

Thanks - wish I could do more though She deserves so much better than all this crap.

I'm glad she's back on the meds to...I couldn't have got through all I had to deal with without them. (and I was lucky enough to have a very supportive dp - QP trying to recover without a supportive dh is unimaginable).

One day I know she'll have put all this behind her and she will be a stronger person for it

care's not something i know a lot about SP, and i haven't read the whole of this thread... but is it possible that MiL or DH would be given DS is QP said she was unable to cope?

i do care for QP, as much as you can for a complete stranger !
you used to pop into the bar, have a laugh , sing the potato waffle song...now you are consumed by this 'relationship', with reaching unreachable standards of perfection and domesticness , to keep a volatile, uncaring man happy

agree 110% with smiley's post...

Yes Aitch, MIL said she'd take him which did seem to make QP sit up and think and say 'no way' at that point.

DH apparently was on holiday and didn't think she'd really do it, or something when he heard, so stayed on holiday.How many more clues are needed??

she's only a kid, smiley...

This is a crazy thread which I've been reading and not commenting upon.

Because it's such a crazy thread, going all over the place, I've wondered about how genuine it is, which is why I've kept reading it because if it was fiction it would be a boody good read. I mean things like at one point QP thinking she should dismantle wardrobes ... Really hard to believe. Or to make sense of.

BUT I'm really bothered mostly by the way so many people want to tell quootiepie what to do and are almost set on 'punishing' her. If she is seriously mentally unwell she won't be thinking like a mentally stable person. Her logic will be squiffy. I've had a lifetime of dealing with mental illness - manic depressive father being the most traumatic so far - and I know that when people are mentally unwell you have to just quit foisting your logic upon them and enter their world / their language.

Although nobody else admits to it, QP, I can recognise a kind of desperation in which you think your child would be better with someone else. And it's not uncommon. I remember a very close friend of mine having her ds and being very depressed (this was years before I got pregnant) and she said she frequently thought about putting him on a train going to Edinburgh and letting someone just find him because she was sure anybody would do a better job than her. I've never actually felt it myself but I can understand it. I don't think QP was being flippant, she was just voicing her immediate emotions at a particular point.

Anyhow I hope this is a genuine thread and I haven't been sucked into some elaborate, surreal scam!

Good luck QP, trust yourself a bit, see what happens. But don't go dismantling any wardrobes!

punishing her

not sure what you mean

and why would this be a scam?

imaginaryfriend, the reason i've never for a second thought about putting dd into care is not because i'm a better mum, but because i'm not profoundly depressed and in an abusive relationship. QP's situation is abnormal, hence her doing abnormal things.
disagree strongly about punishing, also i do not think that she is telling lies.

I know Aitch, and a really good, kind, funny, insightful, bright and loving kid.

I do wish her (or you, waves to Quootie)all the best. I do really feel she deserves it.

But this realtionship is so disturbing, and more frightenly QP's normalising of it, needed to be aired.

I hope some of the commets will have made her think, and moved her a few degress, and I hope she does not find herself back where she was last friday.

Love to you Quootie xXxXxXxXxXxXx.

qp is desperate to keep dh

she is running mentally all over the place trying to get him to stay

it's leading her into real turmoil

how much of that is because she is mentally ill and how much she is mentally ill because of the relationship a mental health practitioner needs to unravel

BTW - I think it's good that we're all there for her, actually. She really needs some friends.

Just like to repeat - her actions are governed a lot by her depression...I'm afraid. It's a chicken and egg situation really...get fully recovered and then deal with life as it is - or deal with life first as a beginning to recovery.

It's hard, but I know when I was really ill with depression, I couldn't see anything very clearly at all and my confidence was on the floor. I could barely leave the house, like QP. I don't think I could have left my relationship easily then either...(not that I would have wanted to, you understand!)

I get angry with QP's (d)h because he aggrevates her recovery all the time with his leaving etc. She desrves better. But she needs to get stronger in herself first, I believe. It's not as black and white about leaving (d)h as it would seem on first glance. It's complicated by her depression which can't be underestimated.

smileyspeople

we're about two posts away from deletion anyway... love and strength and peace to you Quootie.

Aitch, I didn't say 'telling lies' as such. It's just such a weird thread it's hard to take it all in.

And I meant that feeling unable to care for your own child isn't such a horrible crime or so rare (referring to some responses to QP's original comments on that). As QP herself said she was doing it because she thought it would be better for her ds.

And there has been 'punishment' of QP, unkind words said, because she refuses to see things the way some of the posters who claim to be helping her would wish her to.