Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

right, pack up his stuff, take it to his mums and leave it on the doorstep. NOW!

Sorry he is still messing you about, QP. I'm afraid he sounds very selfish & very immature. Maybe he is doing you a favour in staying away, but I know it must be very hard for you.
Find out about your benefits ASAP. CAB is a good place to get lots of information.
Hope you are ok.x

oh dear, quoots. {hugs} you know what i think.

TBH he sounsd pretty fucked up himself and desparetly unhappy. He too needs help.

But what you should not tolerate any longer is the emotionally abusive beahviour he metes out to you, time and time again. His personal screwed up thinking for whatever reason cannot justify treating any other person in this way.

He needs to be away from you and get help.

You need to be awy from him and get help.

And become independent from this currently emotionally stunted man.

It's a fucked up relationship beyond salvaging.

do the right thing for everyone. how long can this misery go on for??

I just noticed right near the beginning of this thread LGJ said

'this is one of the most horrible relationships I've come across on MN'

It really is deeply, frighteningly unpleasant Quootie.

Does how warped this realtionship is, not register with you?

I was thinking the very same as you, smileyspeople. He doesn't sound mentally stable & would benefit from getting help himself.
Concentrate on yourself & your DS, QP. Stay strong & seek the help you need to help you throgh this.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

I walked away I was not gong to comment any more, but I looked , know I should not have done but did.......

QP this person IS NOT worth it.
So his dad died boo bloody hoo, there are people I know in real life and on here who have lost their parents (my dad died when I was 12 FFS but I did not grow up in to a wallowing in self pity child abandoning fuckwit), there have been people here who have lost their partners and far worse their children but they do not go running to mummy.

I have grown up with my mother suffering from depression and it is bloody hard, I can see how he would find it hard to cope, I also had PND when had DS1 so I have been both sides of the coin.

YOU are the only person who can help YOU.
He is not going to SAVE you he is not your mother, yes he should be supportive but he cant be and you can sit till the cows come home, or the sun burns out and it WILL NOT CHANGE
You have a shame marriage, the sooner you get it in to your head he does not want you he can not cope with your needs and he IS NOT going to be the person you want him to be EVER the sooner you are going to stop the pain.

I have thought about killing myself, I have self harmed, I have had days where getting out of bed has been the one and only thing I have managed, I have used drink as a crutch, and I have wanted to and waited to be "saved" and you know what the person who saved me was ME. Yes I am lucky have people who love me, but when I looked in the mirror and despised the weakness of the person looking back at me I knew I had to save myself.

Yes there are things in my life and in who I am that I am still not happy with but I am worknig on it.

QP I have seen you, you are not a pug, you will find someone else, BUT if you think you are in the gutter and you go to the gutter to find someone to love you then you are never going to have better.
You think you are weak and you do behave weakly, but love YOU are a mother and that makes YOU the most powerful thing in the world.

Wake up to the fact your Hubby wants you about as much as a bout of the clap.
Move on please.
If not for you and if not for your son then for the sake of us mumsnetters who are banging our heads on the wall to offer you advice and support.

Also, just to add, that I have never on here or in Rl, counseled anyone to leave their husband.

I am usually firmly in the 'you've made a commitment, you've got chilren, the grass won't be greener, you should stick with it' camp.

this is the first time I've suggested to someone to leave.

But this misery and torment for all concerned needs to be put a stop to.

I can see this thread still being here in 5, 10, 20, 30 years time.

Oh he has left again........ what did I do wrong.........why wont he come back.....I cleaned the oven and he's still not back.....

If you see me here again PLEASE PLEASE have mnhq block me.

hey qp, some of the comments on here may be hard to face right now, so could you just post a simple "im ok" if you arent up to answering yet, just so we know you are still about

sorry, yes, I am ok. Just absorbing it all at the moment really, alot of talking to myself in the mirror etc.

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QP he wants you to beg him to come back to make all manner of insane promises to get him back, as long as you keep doing that he's in control. Its classic bully behaviour.

What would happen if you called his bluff and just said "well ok then, thats that sorted, I'll get my solicitor to call you, nice knowing you and all that sort of stuff, see you around - maybe."

1. he'd wet himself
2. he'd be terrified
3. he;d find someone else to bully
4. you;d get your life back and find someone who is worth sharing your life with - a partner not an owner
5. I might learn where the apostrophe key is on this keyboard

Thank christ he's gone. Hang in there, be strong for DS. How great is it that he'll grow up knowing his mum was strong enough to come through a toxic relationship and build a better life for him.

omfg, he strangled you?!

and you are still wanting him in your life?

then he says he doesnt love you or ds and you are still dithering?

i'd be booting his fucking arse up and down the street and setting fire to his shit

get rid of that useless excuse for a man

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You ok QP?

How was DS, did you get him to the swings again?

Thinking of you.

Hope you're still ok quootie?
Don't let anyone stop you from taking your ADs now that you have them.
You so desperately need them.

Kimi you sound like someone who has been through lots of shit in your life and managed to come out the other side.
Hope you're ok?
And you're right what you said about only yourself can save you.
I've been there too!!

He is back. He has apologised, whats to sort things out (at the very least one way or the other) and I know he is genuine. I do not know if he will stay that way though. Obviously I am willing to give it another go, but he refuses bereavement couselling. He will do relate though, but the forms are taking forveer to come. He says he doesn't expect me to clean etc. and have the house clean (but I know he will be grumpy if it isn't). He liked the fact I was starting to go out... He was on his way home the other night, but his car broke down so his mums was nearest - then he was just upset because all his dads things have been put away/given away and it wasn't like his old home anymore, which he took out on me by saying he didn't want anyone anymore. Well, that's in all in a nutshell... I guess I'll keep you all posted on how it goes, thankyou all so so much x

All the best Quootie

Good luck with everything, quootie.x

Good Luck Quootie

Good Luck.

Good luck. I truly hope this works out for you and you can be happy xx

QP, I give up, you must LOVE the way you are treated, If fact I think you enjoy it.
No doubt you will be back here very soon with the same old same old.

I feel SO SO sorry for that poor little child the two of you brought in to this world and are screwing up no end.

IT WONT WORK, BUT YOU WONT LEARN.

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