Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

"Yes he can be controlling, immature and all the rest of it, but DS comes so far before me and DH that it's just out of my realms of thinking that he is abused himself".

QP/EG,

This comment of yours is really sad.

So many women who are abused in such a fashion put themselves so far down their own pecking order of importance. If you are affected then your child is too.

I would argue as well that your husband is one of a long line of people who have treated you so badly. Small wonder therefore you don't think you're worth anything.

You're only 20 and have your whole life in front of you?. Where do you see yourself in a year's time?. Still stuck in your own emotional hole and with him coming and going as he sees fit?.

i definitely think this thread should be deleted...or maybe not, and DH can see how he i s reflected back to people....

QP...6 months ago you where here, and nothing has changed...he has been bereaved and needs support, you say...well, you hvae had traumas and need support.. and yet he can up and leave

also, a few months ago you were asking for advice on divorce, then TTC, making a go of things ,not making a go of things

you are not even clear in your own mind where to go.. so how you can make a go of this damaged relationship is beyond me

your DS is one, you say you are going to wait and see and give DH time to get sorted...how long? 6 months, 12 months, 5 years?

you need to be clear in your own mind , or it is a just a meaningless point in the future

i don't think that her DH would take this thread on board at all, tbh. we don't know him in RL, so if we've formed a poor impression then it's Emerald's fault for having skewed the story. bollocks, but ykwim?

you also seem to be ignoring a very key piece of the plot here, Ems, the thing that kicked off your PTSD? his responsibility again.

agree on both points aitch

this is all a one way street, his way, no dialogue, no compromise, no mutual support...

for Ems and her DS

and just to counter his bereavement issues, you too have been bereaved Ems, in a terrible way. you lost something you didn't want to lose, and you were made 'culpable' in the process. i think that's s HUGE issue for you to deal with and for you to be left to handle that on your own is not fair of him at all. your stuff, frankly, IS bigger and harder than his stuff, imho.

QP/EG you are kidding yourself if you think this isn't effecting your DS.

You wanted him taken into care, you asked for it. Thank God it didn't happen, but it could have and the fact you asked for it shows it affects him and will do so again in the future, next time DH leaves. Which he will.

Your personal distress, your depression affects DS. Even if he does not witness/know/understand the cause yet.

In fact I find it very shocking that you have not shocked yourself more by asking to have DS taken away.

That was a pretty monumental thing to do, and I just hope it doesb't get used aginst you.

I can kind of understand why you are staying, as it fits with your non existent self esteem and reaction to a controlling relatuonship.

I can understand it, but it a decision which is guareented to bring more misery to all.

The bottom line is QP you are not putting DS first.

You don't feel strong enough to do so at the momemt, but I really hope for his sake this realtionship ends sooner rather than later.

Last Friday you asked for strangers to take your DS away. One week later you claim it doesv't affect him.

You eally need to find the strength to face up to some truths here QP.

Where are you, EG/QP? Not chatted for a few days and no new posts here from you. You ok? Hugs xx

FWIW - I've been around QPs DS a lot recently - and he's so not affected at the moment so please don't worry everyone. I'm not saying he won't be in the future, but for now - he's very happy, confident and gorgeous. Loves following around my 3 yo DS when we see each other. And looks contented and not in the least disturbed by the events.

He would have been very disturbed if he'd been taken into care last week, as requested by QP, as a direct consequence of this warped relationship.

I know QP is a great and loving Mum and I'm sure he's a happy and contented little boy on a day to day basis.

but let's not pretned that there are not huge potnetial repercussions for him from this continuing relationship.

Will he again soon be facing a potential situation of a suicidal mother and being taken away by strangers??

Let's not minimise this and pretend that because toady and tomorrow he's happily and is blissful ignorance playing with his toys, that there is not a potentially devasting impact of all this on him.

It very nearly was devasting for him just one week ago.

I understand why it's so hard for QP to leave, but for her sake let's not minimise the the potential and probable outcomes of that decision.

Agree with SP- If he'd been taken into care last week the repurcussions would have been serious.

As much as I wish QP all the best with her dh- they do need to sort things out so that QP doesn't end up in the same situation again in a few weeks/months

She will be off playing pretend happy familys.
Give it a week and she will be here again with the "he's gone, I can't cope take my child away" thing again!

Ok its hard for her but she needs to get a grip at some point before the two of them f*ck their child up as much as they are.

think QP is avoiding the thread, as it is getting a bit less unconditionally supportive than it was, and rightly so...need to face some home truths, which are probably too unpalatable to look at

Over 960 messages, lots of people taking time to try and be supportive and offer help and try to understand the weird dynamics of this very sad relationship so as to offer the best advice possible.

I know it may not be what she wanted to hear but I think we all tried to be supportive and above honest.

I hope she finds the help she needs to get the strength to remove herself and her son from the toxic environment they are living in at the moment.

QP if you see this .....I'm sorry we did not tell you what you wanted/needed to hear and I hope you find strength and happiness, because you seem a good person who is in a bad situation .
GOOD LUCK.

• all

Message withdrawn

The one place QP could go to was MN to get some support from fellow mums - doesn't mean she can't take some 'home truths'...and to suggest she doesn't want to 'hear' advice from all angles is naive.

She's doing the best she can right now - in very difficult circumstances.

She's not 'fucked up' (she's ill - suffering from PTSD) and she's not 'fucking' her DS up. You would need to meet them both before making such sweeping judgements.

I am with this hostility. As she has said in past posts she has been grateful to the time people have given up to help her through a difficult time....but, those who accuse her of wasting their time - YOU POSTED! YOUR CHOICE - DON'T POST ON HER THREADS AGAIN if you feel that strongly against her for the choices she's making. Her choices - her life.

No-one 'owns' the truth on what she should do. It's pure arrogance to suggest so. If you can't take it - go bully someone else please. Opinions gratefully received - but no-one has to follow the advice if they don't want to.

hopefully qp has realised that she can't use social services and mental health teams to sort out a relationship problem

life has its dramas but once the drama is over the same problems still have to be quietly dealt with, you can't keep recreating the drama

apologies if you see my post as bullying...based on the amount of posts i have made over the last 6 months, to be more than a little frustrated is reasonable, IMHO

i have been where QP is, with severe depression ...and i think someone who one week is looking to put her son into care, and tehn the next is looking to make up with a DH who has treated her appalingly, needs more help than this forum can give, IMHO

the 'bullying' i think is a side effect of people posting and feeling frustrated that in a thread of so many posts, not one bit of advice is really being heeded

Her DS, is a wonderful little boy i;m sure, but at one point does he suddenly become aware of the situation, at 14 months, 18 months , 24 months?? or now? who knows?

we can only go by what has been posted by QP, and some of the vile and hideous things that he has done to her leave a nasty taste..

and yet, she does not see that

i find it sad, really sad, that what should be a wonderful time in her life, as a young married woman, is being destroyed

her DH has abandoned her several times, stopped her taking ADs, said he does not love her, and she and DS are not his family, strangled her, emotionally abused her ...

so, if being a bully means being frustrated that all this is laid out in front of her, and is dismissed, then so be it

i am torn as to why i am posting, maybe some sort of vague hope that something i say , might, just might, help her see the light

also, there is a point at which unconditional support is not good

in therapy, you have to look long and hard at yourself, and the choices you make, and why you make them, and not just get told that you are fine and doing the right thing...

being helped to look at and reflect on your situation is part of the process of getting and staying well...

and sometimes , that is really hard....and it is uncomfortable and upsetting,but needs to be done

not saying we are counselling QP, but there does come a point where just agreeing that what someone is doing is fine, is not enough

IMHO

but playing out your most personal dramas on an forum does invite all comment, not just unconditional support and agreement

Firstly I want to say I am not dismissing this all, I am really really taking it in, taking it on board and thinking hard about every post. That is why I have not had this thread deleted even though I am being called fucked up and all the rest of it. Because I respect what people have to say, understand why they are saying it, and maybe not in a big way (ie. tossing DHs clothes out onto the street) but very much so I am acting upon it. I have to say, the taking DS into care thing was just a few fleeting moments of desperation and dispair at myself as a mother really. Not all to do with DH, I have issues going further back than him that have contributed to my PTSD and depression, and I just felt so sorry for DS. I guess I imagined "care" as being 2 loving people desperate for a lovely little boy like DS, doing the things with him that I have not been able to yet. In that respect, how could I be "selfish" (in my eyes) and keep him with me? To me I was being selfless wanting to put him in care, I just felt I had nothing left to offer him, and he deserved so so much better than me. Obviously, I know it wasn't the right thing, which is why even a few hours later/the next day it wasn't an option at all. Anyway, I am really listening to all this advice, and am sorry people think I am fucked up - I guess society still needs to broaden their minds a little to how mental illness can effect people. There has been alot of crossed wires with DH and I I guess, it's not all cut and dry as it seems. We are obviously going to relate where the advice is unbiased, because I know he is far far from perfect, he does have his side of it aswell. x

look, i know first hand about mental illness

i am glad you took the decision not to put DS in care

i am glad that you are back on ADs

but i cannot pretend i am glad you are back with DH, even with going to relate, because some of the things he has done to you are absolutely inexcusable, regardless of him being traumatised...my opinion, your life, so you need to do what you feel is right, but don;t be surprised if it seems at odds with what a lot of others things

and for the record, i have never said you are fucked up or anything offensive like that

Lulu - But no-one is patting her on the back and saying 'you're fine - you're doing the right thing'.

No-one is acquiescent and passively agreeing with QP about her actions and her choices, but it is inappropriate to become negative with someone just because they are not doing it 'your' way. We haven't the authority to blast out comments that I've seen on recent posts.

She's also mentally ill - that's why SS and the mental health team are supporting her. She's attempting to see relate to sort out her marital problems...don't really know what you mean, zippit.

It's funny because the social worker asked where I got emotional support from - I said I guessed a parenting forum I go on. Not ideal, but life isn't ideal. At times when the only outlet you have is somewhere like this, it's isn't your first choice. Openess and honestly have always been big in my book, but I think maybe reverting back to keeping it behind closed doors and hidden is the way forward, and use other means(couselling, PTSD therapy) as my outlet in future. I have posts of "tell us more, open up" etc. mixed in with "playing out your drama on a forum" intertwined, I hardly know whether I am coming or going

qp you did actually start this thread talking about putting ds in care

anyway hopefully you and dh are taking a breather from the volatile relationship and trying to be sensible

I know you didn't lulu x, someone else said it (or words to that effect)

Oh yes I did, but never went beyond a mear thought in that first post. And that, as beegee has said before is because I set expectations too high for myself with DS. I feel I am the worst mother in the world over the smallest things (eg. the one night he didn't get bathed)