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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

1000 replies

Quootiepie · 22/03/2007 19:18

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 17/04/2007 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkchampagne · 17/04/2007 16:37

You are sounding much stronger, QP, and that's good!

It is not easy to make the decision to end your relationship & I don't think you are anywhere near that stage right now, but please get all the help you can for yourself & gradually you will find yourself getting stronger & stronger.
Make him see that you don't need him & that you may just have enough of the way he treats you one of these days. Turn the tables!

I can really empathise with a lot of what you are feeling & I wish you all the luck in the world.

If ever you want to CAT me & talk offboard, feel free.

Take good care of yourself & DS won't you? xx

AlphaLolly · 17/04/2007 17:03

Still need those curtains I see QP. I haven't got CAT but I gave you my email address of MSN me.

AL x

AlphaLolly · 17/04/2007 17:03
Smile
October · 17/04/2007 17:18

Message withdrawn

Quootiepie · 17/04/2007 17:56

not a typo, big thread a few months ago - he flipped and strangled me. Still hunting a pole down, nothing on freecycle yet! x

OP posts:
October · 17/04/2007 18:35

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 17/04/2007 18:44

he should be there for you when you get upset about the past not call you a bad wife for it.

he's got hands hasn't he? he can make his own sandwiches!! my dad always did.

wanting too much love and affection? wtf - he's your husband!!

and if he he's not willing to do any housework then he can't expect you to make the house spotless for him and he can't say you are not a good wife cos you don't keep the house clean. what is he in the 1950s?!

lulumama · 17/04/2007 18:47

My DH supported me and my DS thorugh terrible depression, if he had left me because he had to make his own sandwiches, or look after his own child, i would have taken whatever shred of self respect i had, and left..

By SmileysPeoples on Tue 17-Apr-07 16:24:06
What do you imagine we would say to a man who came on here and said:

'I've left my wife again, I keep leaving her beacuse she's depreesed. She's had post natal depression and I've had enough of it. she doesn't keep the house clean, and sometimes I've even had to make my own dinner! She keeps threatening to kill herself and this time she even called SS to put our son in care! I've had enough of it so I've gone off with my cousin and I didn't answer her calls. Sometimes aswell she slags off my parents, who quite frankly i love more than her and that really winds me up. What should I do? Am I being unreasonable??'

What do you think we'd say QP?

he has had it on his terms, no compromise, not give and take, just his way too long

and he is leaving you yes, but he is also leaving DS..and any man who makes that distinction when leaving the family, marital home,is kidding himslef
he fancied a holiday, because he is a self indulgent pr*ck..

GreatGooglyMoogly · 17/04/2007 19:00

Hi Quootie!

Wow! You should be really proud of yourself for getting out of the house and getting your ADs - that is a mammoth achievement! You must be feeling so much better!

Without being too intrusive (I hope) can I ask what it is about your H that you love/ like?

Quootiepie · 18/04/2007 08:29

he's not coming home. He went to his mums last night, his dads cars engine blew up now, he doesnt love anyone, not even DS and isn't coming back.

OP posts:
October · 18/04/2007 08:32

Message withdrawn

Blu · 18/04/2007 08:33

Wel, we know who does love DS - you! And you're a good Mum to him

QP - I'm so sorry he has messed you about again - it must be so painful after you were cautiously edging forward. What are you going to do today?
I know it's gping to be hard to get through - can you make your timetable, go to the swings again - because it is a bautiful day...and you know you will get lots of MN support.

October · 18/04/2007 08:34

Message withdrawn

Quootiepie · 18/04/2007 08:36

yes he did. I asked if he even loved DS, he said he didn't love anyone. He has gone to his mums though and is willing to stay there. He would rather walk to work than come home and get the other car.

OP posts:
lulumama · 18/04/2007 08:53

well, you know what QP... i think that is actually a good thing

he is incapable of love, and you need love, so that makes the decision for you

he does not love his own son

he is in love only with himself

so it is good you know where you stand

however tidy the house

however clean the kitchen is

however much you do for him

it will never be enough

stay strong

FoghornLeghorn · 18/04/2007 09:07

I haven't posted on this thread Quootie as I felt you were getting some brilliant advice from Blu (as always), Lou, Lulumama etc.

Please take this last spineless, hurtfull outright bloody wankerish comment from your DH to be the final nail in the coffin.

I can relate to you - I am 22, I am married with 2 children (2 & 5 months) and yes my husband can sometimes be an arse but I can hand or heart say, if he ever ever upped and left me & DD's once, let alone on a regular occurance, he would not be a part of my life anymore.
I do not believe that your age is a factor in this, as some people do.

You need to be strong - you have gained strength, it shows in your last few posts. Read them back, read in your own words exactly what your DH is like.
You need to start believing in yourself & your DS

October · 18/04/2007 09:11

Message withdrawn

AlphaLolly · 18/04/2007 09:47

I'm off out again today but I still think of you QP. You are doing so well.

If it helps, dh said to me last night I am angry with you because the house isn't clean. This is while I was asking him if he thought the dress I was wearing needed taking in, as I have lost 22lb since I last wore it. His answer didn't make me happy.

So, I asked what was dirty. In my eyes there was only a bit of clothes on the washing bin and washing up to do. Our house is normally immaculate.

so I gently threw the iron at him, oops and slept in another room. It was off as well.

I just thought, my god this is what QP must feel like!

My DH is normally a laid back happy go lucky person and everyone enjoys his company. But last night he was just a PITA.

Anyway, curtains are ready for you. I am asking around for a curtain pole for you.

AL x

fussymummy · 18/04/2007 10:12

Quootie if he's not coming back you'll have a chance to get the ADs in your system and hopefully start to get better thoughts.
You might even realise that life is for living and start to enjoy yourself!

Which ADs did you get given?

Maybe someone else has also had them and can give you advice on any side effects that may go with them!

Hope you and your little boy are ok?

mummylin2495 · 18/04/2007 10:20

quootie this is such an upsetting time for you but lots of people on this thread have offered to help you out,please take any help you are offered,you have the perfect opportunity now to progress with your life and show this pathetic excuse for a man ,that you can rise above all his bullsh*t and turn your life into something so worthwhile.Yes it may be hard at times,but you have a child that you love and who loves you,You can do it .

littleducks · 18/04/2007 11:49

ok then put in benefit forms, take your medicine and rebuild your relationship while he stays at his mums if thats really what you want to do, then you have your 'last try' but still protect yourself and ds.

hope you feeling strong still, that must have been hard to hear.

Blu · 18/04/2007 12:25

QP - putting in the benefit forms seems a very good idea for today's job.
Hope you are ok .

colditz · 18/04/2007 12:29

Don't be sad Quootie. Get angry. The bloke is a cunt of the highest order and your beautiful ds deserves better.

custy · 18/04/2007 12:31

what colditz said - be is uber twat of the highest order. well done on being so strong and getting out.

been to CAB yet?

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