Serial Leaver - Left Again. What Do I Do???

[Quootiepie]

My (D)H has left AGAIN. Woke up this morning to find no sign of him and bankcard infront of PC. Wasn't until I went downstairs later on I saw he had posted his key through the letterbox. He left on Monday (I think) until Wednesday night, when I went in the middle of the night to beg for him back at his mums. He had just dumped shopping inside the door, and zoomed off again, me running barefoot in dressing gown trying to chase his car . Previous to that, about 2 weeks ago he left, and just dumped milk for DS through the catflap as he had left him with nothing, although by the time someone had to come and bring me milk. He promises over and over again he wont do it anymore, last night we were totally fine and yet this morning he left. I am not independant at all, and this constant kicking me back down is just too much. What on earth can I do? I dont know even what I mean by that. THe crisis team are coming sometime this evening, and I have thought about getting DS put into care because I really cannot cope another night jumping at every noise, checking the hall for notes or supplies, and just general whatsthefuckingpoint-ness. I do still love him, when he is OK he really is totally fine, realises his mistakes, but... I cant cope with this. I really cant.

QP - really pleased that you have started to go out - well done...keep that, and continuing on ADs as your one step forward to gaining strength. Strength to make choices - whatever they may be - and to be happier in yourself.

Hold on to the strength you have found - and, as far as I am concerned, do keep posting about this, if you want to.

I thnk it's good that you know he was taking it out on you - and maybe that is something you can discuss at Relate. I'm pleased he has agreed he will go to relate. PinkChampagne's story is a long one, but a strong one - be inspired by her!

Ginnedup, the whole point is she starts to get stronger, he comes back, she stop's the pills to make him happy, she depends on him for everything and he will go again and she will not be any stronger she will be worse each time.

She can't make him happy, He does not want to be with her, He has told her over and over he does not love her but still she goes back for more time and time again.

She is going to end up on her own, he is not going to stay with her and they are damaging their child with their silly games.

But Kimi - sometimes it takes people longer than they say to get the true motivation to let something go, and they don't manage it the first time, or even the second.....

Kimi on the subject:
Sun 15th April:
"KIMI has left the building!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WEd 18th April:
"I walked away I was not gong to comment any more, but I looked , know I should not have done but did......."
later
"If you see me here again PLEASE PLEASE have mnhq block me."
Thu 19th April:
"QP, I give up"

QT haven't posted before but have followed your plight...I feel I must write this to you; PLEASE think about what you are doing and consider very carefully about the way this is affecting your LO, possibly irreversably, in years to come.
Be strong
x

QP, this is from experience. What your husband is doing it will carry on. He will not stop, it will get worse much, much worse. If you let this carry on the consquences for you and your DS IS going to affect you for a very long, if not for life. PLEASE, PLEASE get out of it whilst you can. You may not get another chance. Like others have said a clean house will not fix things. Your husband needs serious help and I doubt it very much that he is going to go to Relate. Please do not be a doormat, you can survive without him and will be happier without him. This is not love!

Message withdrawn

You're right, I am loving it Love every second of it, infact I cannot wait until he goes again to feel that lovely pain over again. Doesn't matter the person who I made vows with may have his own problems, and as his wife I maybe do have a duty to help him also.

Good job I am strong enough to turn the other cheek now. That may have had me in tears any other day. I am grateful for everyones advice, even blunt advice but sometimes there is a line...

Oh, it's Quootiepie by the way

And I have major objections to the fact I am screwing up my child. I wanted SS to take him because for ONE day I felt I couldn't cope. You know the worst thing about that day? He didn't have a bath. He doesn't know if daddy is away on business or not. I have felt suicidal even being supported by DH. The social worker came today, and I was brutely honest and she was impressed with how well looked after DS was. I don't go round slitting my wrists infront of him because DH had left.

And I have major objections to the fact I am screwing up my child. I wanted SS to take him because for ONE day I felt I couldn't cope. You know the worst thing about that day? He didn't have a bath. He doesn't know if daddy is away on business or not. I have felt suicidal even being supported by DH. The social worker came today, and I was brutely honest and she was impressed with how well looked after DS was. I don't go round slitting my wrists infront of him because DH had left.

Emeraldgreen - I feel like hugging you! I love you being tht angry! You are spot on - you are a v good Mum and made sure DS was very well looked after even when you were in extreme distress. And yes, you can do it - manage on your won etc etc.

But that's why some people do get frustrated, because we all know you can, and hate seeing you being messed about.

Don't stop posting, and don't lose the strengths you gained this time he went. Who knows whether it will build into strength where you can get your needs met in your marriage, or to a self you have more confidence in and are therefore happier, or to deciding that this marriage is not, ultimately for you.

Who knows where your strength will lead - but just keep gathering it, ok? You sounded great, talking about going to the swings.

Glad your SW was impressed with you.

Emerald is a fantastic mother and her DS is the happiest boy I know...all smiles and very contented.

He's not being messed up. He's looked after by a wonderful mother who has set her standards way to high IMO.

He may not be now as he doesn't understand. I was with my x husband for six years and my eldest son didn't understand what happened around him or the abuse he witnessed and his stepfather leaving and then coming back as he was only 18 months old when it started. I didn't leave him until he was 8 and he fully understood his stepfather breaking my nose in front of him and the mental abuse in front of him and the fact that he would leave us with nothing for days on end. He fully understood then, 4 years later he is still dealing with what he witnessed. As for the care of the child I had a SW who also said that all 4 kids were always looked after physically well by myself even though I was seriously depressed. It will show it self sooner or later and it does effect the kids, you are just kidding yourself if you think it won't.

Breaking noses is different to DH going to work one day and not coming back for a few days. We don't argue (well, hardly ever), there is nothing for DS to witness. All he knows daddy was away, now come back. Yes, if this kept going for years with no good reason, but it isn't.

But he did strangle you, abit worse than a broken nose.

and the SW knows that. That really was out of character. Yes he can be controlling, immature and all the rest of it, but DS comes so far before me and DH that it's just out of my realms of thinking that he is abused himself. Yes I know when he is older, DH cant just up and leave, but, I will not let it carry on that long. I am giving it a little time, not years.

You have made your decision to stay with him. I was just saying from experience that it does effect the kids. Are you just going to say to your child that Daddy has gone to work when he buggers off again when he's old enough to understand. The guy is a complete control freak. Sorry to be blunt, but I've been with a person who was exactly the same as your husband and yes they say they will get help, mine was very good at the waterworks and you believe them and take them back. He pretends for awhile and then he's off again. My x husband was an drug user and a drunk, he promised that he would get help, he was abusive to me and made me feel like I wasn't a good mother or wife because I was depressed. I'm telling you this because it will happen to you and you will put up with it, but I don't want this to happen to you or your son. You will be back to this thread the next time he does it. You mark my words.

Aufish - can I ask why you didn't up and leave sooner - much sooner - than you did? Genuine, open q.

Glad you have the SW for support, QP, and also pleased to hear your husband has agreed to try Relate. You are taking postitive steps & that's good. Make sure you show him that he is dealing with a stronger woman now, who won't take any nonsense!
I do hope things work out for you one way or another, QP. You are young & have your whole life ahead of you, so make the changes now, not when you're an old bag like me!

Blu - your comment set me off crying again!

I didn't leave because I was and still am in fear of my life. I now live miles away from my home town, my whereabouts are now protected by a court order. My dc have to see their father in a contact centre as he is considered a risk to them. I really want to help Emerald as I can see the exactly the same pattern with her as with me and I seriously don't want her go through what I did. I was clincly (sp) depressed from the birth of my 2nd child until last year and was on medication for all that time. I put up with all the stuff from him. Lots of people could see what was going on with the relationship and knew it wasn't normal. Relationships like this are not normal. They are soul destroying. He broke me completely and I wish that I had had something like this when I was going through it as I may have escaped sooner. I know how frightening it is to be alone, I know how she feels when she says she can't or won't be able to cope with her DS, I said that and felt that. That was 4 years ago and with support I left. I am now stronger than I was then.

The reason why I posted was that I was in that position and I know what it is like. I'm just saying to Emerald that these relationships are not normal, I bet she walks around on eggshells in case she says something or does something that will make him go again. I know I did. I remember one particular occasion that he had left and I literally waited for him to return and cleaned everything, even behind and underneath the oven and the washing machine so then he could see that I had done the housework and the kids were all clean and tidy, I honestly believed that that time he would stay and of course he didn't. I had no friends, my best friend stayed away for the whole of the time that I was with him as she could see what was happening and wanted to smack him in the chops for what he had done to me. This relationship isn't about love and trust. Its about control and that isn't healthy, no matter how you look at it.

Emerald can you say hand on heart that this relationship is not affecting your DS? my LO is 5 months and looks at me fearfully when I am angry or upset at trivial things. I am not judging you at all and life must be really tough, I have not walked in your shoes so you must do what you feel you can, but please don't think that because DS is young that he is not being affected by what's going on around him.

QP/EG I have never said you were not a good mother, but you can not hide from the fact this is NOT a healthy environment for you or your child.
Every time he does it you are going to feel worse, and the fact that the man (male person as men don''t hit) tryed to strangle you is in my opinion is when you should have chucked him out and changed the locks, even if it was out of character.

He is messed up, he is bringing you down and if you are depressed he is going to make you worse, you will forever have that worry inside you "is he coming home tonight or not" "will he kick off when he gets in" "have I done enough to make him happy"

I am sorry you think I am being mean, I don't mean to be, but from where I sit at my PC I see a young woman being abused and hurt by a man (male person) not fit to be a husband let alone a father. I am angry for you, I am sorry if you think it is at you.

You take him back if thats what you think is right for you, but I will give good odds he is gone again by the end of the month and you are back here, And you know what we will ALL still be here to help and advise you even though we know you are not yet ready to listen.

i'm glad things are hopefully back on track for you qp/eg.

one thing that worries me is the fact he gets annoyed when you are depressed and thinks you need too much love and affection. this is a part of who you are for the time being and if he can't accept that and give you what you need is he still going to get annoyed by it when you are feeling down and go off again?

emerald, sweetheart, i think you should get this thread deleted and start again. cos if you don't your silly arse of a husband is going to come on here, discover what you've posted and use your constant defending of his appalling behaviour as an excuse to leave all over again.
tis aitch, by the way. and you know all about what i think of your situation. it was nice to see you getting cross i must say, and of course you are a wonderful parent but i've got to say that i personally think you are kidding yourself a bit if you think ds hasn't noticed what's going on.
to my eternal shame i had a shouting match with my (immensely irritating) sister the other day when my dd was around. she was clingier and more easily upset for the rest of the day, no question. i felt awful, absolutely awful. i actually formally apologised to a 16-month-old! (felt like a tit but i kind of needed to, iykwim?).
regardless of whether you and DH fight as such (strangulation aside) i do think your DS will be picking up on the tension. he's young, but he's not daft. good luck with everything.

Where did it all go wrong for you QP, what events started all this off?. Something happened to you of that I have no doubt at all. You were happy once weren;t you, what happened to that happy person you undoubtedly once were?. It seems that you've gone from one previously abusive relationship when you were still in your teenage years into yet another abusive one in which you now have a child.

Cognitive behavioural therapy for your own self may be helpful to "unlearn" destructive relationship patterns, patterns that you are living out daily. The effect on your child is incalculable if you do not do anything but if you do decide to move your own self forward (and you need to take that leap of faith yourself to do it) it will help your son as much as your own self.

You have many issues of your own to work on and I sincerely hope you get help for those. His issues are his own to deal with. I hope that for your sake as well as that of your child you will eventually start to make a real difference to your own life.

I would also add that being overtly defensive with other people on here is not going to help anyone, least of all you because it just gives the impression that you're not open to any sort of reasoned argument.

I don't know what the hell happened to you to get you to this pitiful stage of existance but all those who let you down and treated you badly are still winning. You need to take the power back for your own self.